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This is gonna be a two-part, it will have the following

-Karlnapity angst and mostly fluff

-Karl is ftm without bottom surgery and one day while he was alone he started getting some serious dysphoria, and normally Alex and Nick would be there to help him through things like this but they were both busy at the moment

-fluff for the most part in the second part

-THE FIRST PART HAS MUCH MORE ANGST

-Strong body image hating and depiction, graphic descriptions, and emotions

-depression and slight trauma flashbacks

-panic attack

-suicidal thoughts

-sh scars and cutting

-Emotionless

-four pov's

Anyways, I hope you all enjoy and remember:

You. Are. Loved. <3

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Karl POV

I woke up and realized that I was cold, which wasn't normal, normally I woke up to my two boyfriends next to me. I got up groggily and turned off my phone alarm noticing some messages on my phone, I decided not to look at them for now and instead get up to start my day and be productful. I walked to the bathroom and brushed my teeth, then I went to the closet to get some clothes for a shower.

Before getting in the shower I did grab my phone and take it to the bathroom with me. I set down the clothes and turned on the water, then while the water heated up I read the messages from Nick and Alex.

Nick-

I needed to go help Dream with a few things today, I won't be long though and should be back around lunch call me if you need anything, love you baby

Alex-

Hey bubs I hope your morning is going well, I needed to go clear some things up for your surprise that's coming around your birthday, I'll give you a hint, it's something you've needed for a long time, anyway Love you bubs and I'll be back around lunch

(NOTICE THAT ALEX CALLS HIM BUBS AND NICK CALLS HIM KARL/BABY)

I smiled at the two messages and just decided to go ahead and shower, maybe I could have lunch ready for all of us when they got back. I set my phone on the counter and started to strip down to take my shower. I glanced in the mirror at my flat chest, smiling when I saw that the scars were nearly healed, Alex and Nick had been ecstatic when I came home after the procedure, they babied me for the entire next week. The memory made me smile.

Though, when I went to take off my pants and bottoms the smile quickly faded. I had been waiting to get bottom surgery for a long time now. I grew up in a supportive family but we simply couldn't afford the procedure, I never blamed them for that. Then I started dating my two boyfriends and came out to them only a year ago. It was a big deal of course but they made sure that it was in a good way, not in embarrassment or anything of that sort, only supportive ways.

Though as time went on I realized that I might not be able to ever get that surgery, I tried to accept it for the longest time but I now just felt like I was in the wrong body, ugly and unwanted. Alex and Nick loved me as a male, but that wasn't what I was, I could never be all the way like them, I had slowly started to accept my thought that I was just never gonna get that surgery. So once I was fully naked and staring at myself in the mirror, I realized that I had just pushed myself into a rabbit hole.