The One Where The Lines Get Kinda Blurry

The One With The Padlock

"You broke up with Mili because of me?" Jen gasped, her heart feeling a sudden jolt at his revelation.

"I broke up with Mili because my heart is still too filled with feelings for you to leave enough space for her and that's totally unfair because she deserves so much better." David looked down at his feet again, obviously struggling to contain his emotions right now. "I really thought she was the one who would finally break the spell you have over me..... but it seems I was wrong again and I hate myself for that. I hate that I hurt her, and I really I hate that I can't just move on like you have....."

"Honey, I haven't completely moved on" Jen breathed, wanting to throw herself into his arms but knowing that was the worst possible thing she could do for him right now, ".... in fact, I haven't moved on at all. To be honest, I'm not sure I have even tried to. And I know that sounds incredibly disrespectful and disloyal to Brad, but what I have with him is a totally different kind of love and relationship to what I have and feel with you."

David looked up at her incredulously, "Then how the hell do you manage to act so calm and carefree all the time if you are trying to juggle all these conflicting feelings? You have to teach me because honestly right now, I don't think I can take any more of this."

Jen felt a little angered by his tone and accusation. "I am certainly not carefree; I can tell you that for nothing. There are days when I dread coming to work because I can't be with you like I want to be with you and it tears me apart from the inside. And there are days, like Friday, when you look at me in a certain way, or you catch me off guard with a little touch or an innocent kiss and all I want to do is take off into the sunset with you and forget Brad ever existed. And I can't even talk about any of it to anybody because nobody except you knows and you were happy and moving on with Mili, or at least I thought you were. But then, when I get home and I'm with Brad it's just so easy and uncomplicated and relaxed, and well then, I figure, this is why I married him because this is how love is supposed to be right? But please don't ever think I don't care because that couldn't be further from the truth. I am in this damned mess because I care too much for both of you and it seems the one likely to get hurt the most in all this is actually me because one of these days, I fear that am going to get caught in the middle and could end up losing both of you and I don't think I could survive that, in fact I'm pretty sure I couldn't."

"Well maybe you do need to lose me for both our sakes" David replied, his tone getting harder and with a little more edge. "Maybe if we both tried harder to stop this thing between us then we could actually move on properly."

"I don't know how to even begin to stop my feelings for you" Jen's eyes were brimming with tears as she looked at the broken shell of the man who she had been in love with for the past nine years.

"I don't know either" he replied, turning to look at her, the anguish in his eyes so obvious that it made the tears start to spill from Jen's, "but I think we need to try harder because this is going to destroy us both if we're not careful. I need to find a way to move on from you so that I can have a chance of a future with somebody else. I have already let Mili go because of the hold you have over me. I need to break this cycle and I need to break it now..... and I need you to let me go so I can be free."

"What exactly does that mean?" Jen whispered, her heart feeling like it might jump out of her chest and run away down the hillside at any moment, "I married Brad, was that not letting you go enough? I did what you told me I had to do. I walked away even though I wasn't in any way sure it was the right thing. I made a choice that I wasn't emotionally equipped to make. I let go of all our hopes and dreams and promises. I did all that for you so that you could live your life and I could try and live mine. I never wanted it to be like this. I never wanted to hurt you or trap you or damage you emotionally. I just wanted to love you and be loved by you, openly, honestly and freely. And I know we made our rules and our agreements, but I wish so hard that we had just stood up for ourselves right from the start and been honest and upfront about our feelings for each other, because I'm pretty sure that it wouldn't have been the big deal to them that we thought it was going to be. Oh God, I so wish we didn't end up in this giant mess where we neither of us gets what we really want and we are both completely trapped in our past."

Silent tears were streaming down Jen's face now and she made no attempt to stop them or wipe them away, just allowing them to freefall off her chin or roll down her neck and onto her chest where they sparkled in the early evening sunlight. Suddenly without warning, David's fingers were on her cheeks, pushing her tears aside as he desperately tried to stop the ones threatening his eyes from falling alongside hers. He pulled her into his chest as her sobs got louder and his tears finally broke free. "I know, you're right, we messed it up so badly.  I wish it was different too.  I wish we could turn back time and just make it work. I'm sorry..... I'm sorry...... I'm sorry" he repeated over and over and over and over again as they held onto each other as if their entire lives depended on it.

They sat like that for over half an hour, no words, just raw, honest emotions flowing between them, clinging to each other in a vain attempt to ride out the storm, neither wanting to let go, but both realising that in order to survive, that was exactly what they needed to do.

A short time later, after their tears had finally dried and their arms had reluctantly released each other, they agreed to once again take a large step back and try to be just simple, uncomplicated, purely platonic friends. No more morning coffee routine, no more frequent visits to each other's dressing rooms, no more enjoying their Ross and Rachel interactions far more than they should. David needed to heal his heart and heal it properly this time, mending all of it so that when the right time and the right girl came along, he would have enough space in there to fit her in completely. And Jen accepted that she owed it to Brad to give him her all too, and not keep a significant portion of her heart locked away with a padlock to which only David held the key.

A few weeks later and their new work routine felt odd and cold and completely the opposite of everything they had always strived for, and neither of them liked it in the slightest. That combined with the whole Rachel and Joey storyline didn't make for the best of working environments for any of them and they were actually quite glad when the season was finally getting a little closer to the end, even though it would mean the end of nine blissful years together as a wonderful team. Except that maybe it wasn't the very end after all, as suddenly loud whispers of a tenth and final season started to circulate, whispers that became shouts very quickly. There was enormous pressure on the writers and producers not to let their universally popular characters bow out with a whimper, but rather with a huge and happy bang, and in the few short episodes they had left to write, that didn't seem at all possible. So, the pressure was on, and the six Friends agreed, some more reluctantly than others but nevertheless unanimously, that they would all sign up for one, and it really would be just one, very last season. A shortened one, because Jen had back-to-back movies lined up that she had already committed to assuming that season nine was to be the last, but regardless, eighteen more episodes in which the whole show would be tied up neatly, nicely, and, most importantly of all in the eyes of David and Jen, with high hopes of Ross and Rachel finally getting their own very special happy ending.