The Self-conscious Submissive

Alone

I tallied the votes on subs vs dom and a winner has been decided. I'll post the result on Friday...

Until then....Back to our Regularly Scheduled Program

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-Monica

I'm Standing in the mirror in my hotel room wondering where it all went wrong. As soon as I was sure Trinity was asleep I left leaving my collar and a piece of my heart on Dylan's desk. I drove away from my only home and checked myself into a hotel. But now that I'm here I don't know what to do with myself. What's my next move? I guess I need to find somewhere to live. An apartment maybe by then Trinity will come to her senses and move in with me. I want need to find a safe place for both of us to stay. Sooner or later she's going to see what I saw in Dylan and she's going to need somewhere to go and I'll be ready. 

That is if she ever forgives me for the way I treated her, my friend, my best friend. The fact that I set her up by tricking her into playing my little game. Knowing her and Dylan's past there relationship and how it almost ended because Trinity was being selfish in their relationship. I knew how it almost ended their relationship and that these rules were set in place to help Dylan feel secure in what they had. Out of all the things I could do I had to make her do that break the one rule that could ruin them Dylan's Hard Limits. I'm a horrible friend I don't deserve her. But hopefully, she'll forgive me I have to keep my faith and prepare to be there for her. 

So I'll get us an apartment I know I can afford it because I saved all this money since Dylan had been taking care of me. I move to my computer to begin my search but I stall as thoughts of Dylan swarm my mind. The look in her eyes when she saw us in the playroom, the pain in her voice when I said what I said, the way she broke right in front of me and became a person I no longer recognize. I had destroyed. But was it really my fault? Yes, I pushed but the signs were already there how she treated me at the hotel. How she was so angry at me for what happened at the bar. No, it wasn't just me she was already on edge and I just helped Trinity see who she really was.

I pushed myself forward logging on to Zelle the site I was using to find a place before I moved in with Dylan. But then more thoughts of her came in. How patient and kind she's always been to me. Ever since the first day we met she took me in and saved me from myself when I was black out drunk on the ground. She could have chosen then to leave me there but she didn't. I wasn't appreciative then when I cursed her out in my drunken haze and never apologized. Still, she was there for me no matter how many times I trashed her name or disrespected her.

She found out about my financial struggles and hired me. She saved me from myself when my car got repoed when I was on the verge of being homeless when I was too afraid to ask for what I wanted. She fixed it all she took me in protected me and became the Dom I wanted and needed. She supported me through my financial struggles helping me rebuild myself. Helped me rebuild myself, and my confidence, to become the submissive, not the woman I wanted to be. She took care of me not expecting anything but my obedience in return. I was happy to comply feeling like I was getting more out of the deal than she ever would.

I've grown so attached to her in such a short time. So I started to feel hurt when she started acting differently. Suddenly everything felt different between us it was like she was treating me the same and completely different at the same time. Her touch didn't feel the same, the way she looked at me was like she was no longer looking at me. The way her eyes used to pierce my soul but now they were so distant. I couldn't tell why but everything was just off and I didn't like it. So I did what I always do I did something stupid, and reckless, I let my mouth get ahead of me saying things I didn't want to say because I needed her to see me. I hated myself for disobeying her and hurting her like I did. I broke her and that's why all of this happened. She looked so hurt by our actions. How could I let this happen?

Even when Dylan was being Dominant and punishing me for disobeying her before like when I lied to her she had never pushed me past my limits. She always knew how much I could handle and gave me just what I needed. I wasn't Trinity though I had no hard limits so there was never a line to cross. Trinity does and she should have respected it. But I guess everybody has that breaking point and obviously she hit it. I hated the person that she became, it scared me. It scared me for my best friend and it scared me for me.

It's my fault Dylan did this I ruined, her I ruined everything. I'm the worst submissive to her. I deliberately disobeyed her, disrespected her, and hurt her over and over for my own selfish gain. I don't deserve for her to be my Dom and I don't deserve Trinity's friendship. Not after I interfered with their relationship. It's just better if I disappear and let them be. Maybe then Dylan will go back to the person she was before I broke her. I hurt her, I hurt Trinity, and I hurt myself.  

I deserve to be alone.