The Self-conscious Submissive

Realization

-Monica

I lay in bed after Kaylan and I talked after we left the club and I pretended like the information that he told me didn't phase me. I lay in bed and stared at my ceiling willing sleep to take over my body and take me from my overthinking brain. The Sandman didn't visit me that night though he had no interest in my desperate need to sleep. He didn't care about how badly I needed to escape myself, my reality, and my need to be anything or anybody but me for just a little while. I didn't need the full 8 I would have settled for 4, hell 2 would have sufficed but sleep was not had.

During my sleeplessness, I thought about everything Kaylan told me. For starters, there was Scott Pierson. The Dom that I unknowingly flirted with. Kaylan didn't know much about his story aside from that he's been training here for a month. So he started before we met. He was still new which explained why was still ignorant about submissives. It just made me cringe thinking about him having one of his own if he assumed he knew how we functioned already. I hope he takes his training seriously.

I also learned that Dylan spoke to Sir Meyer's on mine and his behalf to ensure we could remain friends. If it were up to Sir Meyer's the two of us wouldn't have talked again after I left the club. He didn't trust Dylan and he wasn't comfortable having Kaylan around her. But she reached out to him and explained her and Trinity's relationship as well as ours so that he knew that she wasn't taking being a Dom lightly.

Then she trained at Sir Meyer's club to have professional Dom training, training that she used on me. She put her ego and her pride aside to train under him because she knew I had an interest in him as a Dom. She wanted to be able to give me everything I wanted and needed from a Dom even if she had to admit that she needed help from her previous competition to do so. I could have never done something like that. Go to someone who thought so little of me to be better for someone I stole away from them. Yet she did that for me.

After her training was complete she actually started helping out at the club to train future Dom's and subs. That only proved even more how good she was that Sir Meyers trusted her to do so.

My eyes had been opened to how much time and effort Dylan has been putting into being the perfect Dom for me. And time and time again I have done everything to prove to her that I don't appreciate it or her. I read over the letter she wrote me last night a million times letting it fill me and give me power while also draining me of all the resistance I had left. She cared for me so much and she treated me so well and I walked all over her. 

As Kaylan and I talked I came to an earth-shattering conclusion. One that broke me more than I thought it would. I realized that Dylan didn't want me anymore. I knew it then and I know it even more so now. All the signs were there but I was so busy avoiding her that I didn't realize that she wasn't there to avoid. 

Dylan had cut off all ties with me, my bank card, car, and phone were now officially in my name. I was given all my money back, when this took place I have no idea but it's all back. She had relinquished all possession over me. 

I knew I didn't deserve her but she was still my Master. I thought that she accepted me for all my flaws and I was the one pushing myself on her. But now I know I finally pushed too far. She doesn't want me anymore. I knew it because she didn't fight to keep me after I left.

Dylan has always come after me. Even before we were a thing she was fighting with me and for me. Anytime I caused trouble anytime I got myself into trouble. She was always there to lecture me, fuss at me, and tell me to do better because I am better. When I started working for her when I was drowning in myself she helped me find a way to dig myself out of a hole. She saved me from crashing and burning. When I was ready to grow as her submissive she saw it before I did and she adjusted my training. She helped me become better for both of us and I appreciated nothing.

Which is why she's cut me off, why she hasn't come for me. It's so obvious to me now she knows where I'm at. Of course, she does she's Dylan. She knows everything I do and what I think and feel. She knows me better than I do. So why did she give up on me on us? It's not fair it's not right she knows I'd come home if she would have told me to. She could have shown up when I met up with Trinity, she could have shown up at the BnB, she could have shown up at Sir Meyers. Why doesn't she want me? 

Kaylan sat in my room the next morning while I washed up keeping me company while I felt my feelings. The tears I cried in the shower ran down the drain washing away the last of my hope. I guess this is it, this is me now. I'll live at Sir Meyer's and start a new life. I'll rebuild myself and get an apartment with the money I have. I'll work at the club and eventually a long road from now. Ugh, I can't even think about it, there will never be another Dom like Dylan. Why doesn't she want me?

"Why don't you stop asking the mirror and go ask her? You haven't even spoken to her since all of this went down Monica. You didn't even apologize for hurting her. Whether Dylan is really done with you or not you owe her that much," Kaylan said as he watched me stare in the mirror at a reflection I didn't recognize.

"I can't see her, It'll hurt too much. If she confirms what I already know right to my face it'll break me. I can't, I can't feel that."

"Well then you're selfish, and you really don't deserve her anyway," he replied harshly.

Kaylan shook his head at me and told me that he was tired of me and my dramatics. I guess he's mad at me again. I understand though cause I'm mad at myself too.

Ugh, selfish. Yeah, I guess I am. But I don't want to be. Sooooo....

I drove to the Dynasty and sat in my old parking spot trying to motivate my legs to move. I needed to do this Kaylan was right I had to apologize. I needed to see her and beg for another chance or accept that she really didn't want me and take the closure. I can't keep running away from this. I have to.

I walk through the Dynasty I feel eyes on me. The random employees who still recognize me, Liam and Hazel who saw me as I passed by. Both looked shocked and yet pleased to see me. They didn't speak though they kept it moving leaving me to face her alone.

I walk towards Dylan's door and memories of me working here flash through my mind. Me kneeling beside her desk, Bent over her desk as she takes me, or under the desk as I pleasure her. I miss it, I miss her, I want it all back. I want Dylan and I want her to want me. All of me.

I raise my hand to the door to apologize to her. To right my wrongs. 

But then hurt and fear built inside me. What if I come in here and ask for her back and she rejects me? Then it will really be over not just me walking away from her because I'm scared. Her actually saying she's done with me. I can't handle it.  I can't let that happen I refused to let her do this to me. My fist balled up and I kicked the door open like I'm the police and this is a drug bust.