Subject; LOVE

Subject;95

Araw-araw, palagi akong sumusubok na kausapin ito pero talagang mailap ito pagdating sa akin. Naiintindihan ko naman kung bakit sya ganyan.

Wala sya ngayong araw dahil nakipag-meeting sya kay Tito Renzo. I ask tito to talk to her about the partnership to have a more strong bond.

"Ramirez, clean the Chief Executive Officer's office." Utos sa akin ng superior ko. I only nod and immediately go to her office. I started mopping the floor. It took me ten or fifteen minutes mopping the floor. Sunod kong ginawa ay nilinis ang mga shelves na nandito.

Panghuli kong ginalaw ay ang kanyang table. Nang akmang lilinisin ko na ang ibabaw ng mesa nito ay napatigil ako dahil sa isang litrato na umagaw sa aking atensyon. Kinuha ko ito at pinakatitigan. It was a ultrasound picture of a two fetus. Kambal... My eyes landed on the date at the lower left part of the frame. June 3, 2016.

"Ano ba?! Are you planning to kill yourself?!" She angrily ask. After realizing everything that happened before she went missing, mula sa pagbigay nya sa akin ng isang buwan, hanggang noong nagkaayos kami ay napagtagpi-tagpi ko ang lahat. She's already carrying our child that time. Fuck!

"Let's talk." Mahinahon kong sabi. Nagdadalawang isip pa ang kanyang sekretarya kung aalis ba ito o mananatili pero sa huli ay umalis din naman.

"What do you want?" She asked.

"I want to explain." I said making her chuckle.

"Diba sinabi ko na sayo? You don't have to explain it, kasi alam ko na. And if you're thinking that I came back here to be with you again, sorry to say that you're wrong." Sabi nito. I look at her and let her see how tired I am.

"Kahit ayaw mo, just let me explain my side. Please? Listen to me. Kahit makinig ka na lang... kahit wag mo na akong bigyan ng pangalawang pagkakataon. Pakinggan mo na lang ako. Please, Pan. I regret everything I have done." Mahaba kong sabi. I saw how her fist clenched.

"Ngayon pa? Ngayong pang ilang taon na ang nakalipas? Ngayon mo pa naisipang magpaliwanag? Nagpapatawa ka ba? Kasi oo! Natatawa ako! Tangina! Maraming... m-marami kang pagkakataon na sabihin yon sakin! Kung kailan ako nawala sayo saka ka nagsisi... Saka mo naisip lahat! Kung sinabi mo sakin ng mas maaga, baka sakaling... napatawad pa kita." I bit my lower lip after hearing what she said. But I didn't cut our stares. "P-pinag-lauran mo ako eh... a-ako naman si tanga, sinabi mo lang na gusto mo ako naniwala naman agad. Hindi ko nga alam kung g-gusto mo nga talaga ako noon." Pain crossed my eyes.

"A-alam mo ba yung sakit na naramdaman ko nung nalaman kong ginamit mo lang ako laban kay kuya para sa walang kwentang putanginang rason? M-maghiganti... sa kanya? May kasalanan ba talaga si kuya? Inalam mo man lang ba yung totoo? Hindi diba?! Kasi kinain ka ng galit mo! Pinakinggan mo lang yung isa at hindi nakinig sa kabila! Unfair ka!" She pointed her finger on me while talking. I tried to hold her hand but she move away.

"I'm sorry... P-please... Let me correct my mistakes. I'm sorry... I'm sorry, baby." Paulit ulit kong paghingi ng tawad rito. Halos lumuhod na ako sa harap nya. If I need to kneel in front of her I would. Pinunasan nito ang kanyang pisngi na basang-basa na dahil sa luha.

"Wag mo nang subukan." She said firmly.

"H-how about our child?" I don't know why I ask about our child but I made her stop from leaving. "W-we have twins, d-diba? I-i saw them... kanina. J-june 3, 2016. You're carrying our twins for four months in that ultrasound. K-kamusta sila? A-are they looking for me? T-tell them that I'm sorry if I'm not besides them in the passed years." I force a smile. In just a seconds, her eyes became sharp as they glare at me.

"Wala ka nang anak!" Sigaw nito. My smile vanished. Magsasalita na sana ako ng magpatuloy ito. "Your child died because of you! You are the reason why your child died! Ikaw ang dahilan! Ikaw... ang sakit na dinulot mo sa akin kaya nawala ang anak mo! Putangina!" Seeing her cry in front of me makes me weak. Oh, God, I'm hurting her again.

"P-Pan..." Sinubukan ko itong lapitan ngunit isang malakas na sampal ang nakuha ko.

"A-ang kapal ng muka mong humarap sakin na parang ayos lang ang lahat ngayon samantalang hindi mo alam ang pinagdaanan ko sa mga nakalipas na taon!" Sigaw nya sa akin. "The memory of losing my child still haunts me every night!"

"I'm s-sorry..." I only say. I didn't know...

"Y-you want me to forgive you right? Bakit hindi ka na lang mamatay baka mapatawad pa kita!" She said before crossing the road, leaving me unspoken.

Our child died because of me. And I'm hurting her again. I should die. If dying means healing her, I would gladly kill myself just to heal her.

For the last time, I prayed for her.

I close my eyes as I talk to Him.

God, please, remove all the pain in her heart. Don't make it hard for her, let her sleep peacefully every night, I love her so—

Hindi ko natapos ang pagdadasal ko dahil bigla na lang akong tumilapon sa kung saan matapos ang isang malakas na pagtama sa akin ng kung ano.

Everyone in the place became chaos. I can feel my head spinning because of the strong impact. Ramdam ko rin ang mainit na kung ano na kumakalat sa aking kinalalagyan. Everything was blurred in my eyes until a familiar face flashed in front of me with her worried expression.

"L-Lix..." She call me with her shaking voice. Pinilit kong imulat ang aking mga mata upang makita ito.

"Pan... I'm sorry for everything, hm? I'm sorry for... being an asshole to you. O-our child, h-hindi naman magagalit ang anak natin sa akin, d-diba?" Hirap man magsalita dahil sa pagkahilo ay pinilit ko pa rin. "If... If I meet our child... I will tell that you missed them... D-don't worry, hm? I will take care of them."

"Wag ka nang magsalita!" Sigaw nito na may kasamang hikbi. "Ano ba?! Call a fucking ambulance!"

"Ma'am, parating na po." Dinig kong sagot ng isa.

"L-Lix, hold still. Please? Hear them? Parating na daw ang tulong. Hmm? Hold on..." I heard her say. I close my eyes so the spinning would stop. "Ano ba! Lix! Please, hold on. Please, baby! Mas lalong hindi kita mapapatawad kapag namatay ka!" She sob. I can feel my body was about to give up. Unti-unti na ring dumidilim ang paningin ko.

Why are you crying again, baby?

"D-don't cry..." I said before everything went black.