Thomas Sangster x Reader

Chapter 37

"Sit down," Luna said, her voice was really calming. You sat down next to Thomas, on the other side of the table sat Luna.
I sat down and bit my lip. What now?
'So, (y/n). I didn't speak with you on the phone but Thomas explained everything a bit. Can you tell me why you're here?"
You nodded and coughed. You could feel Thomas' leg brush against yours, telling you it was okay. "My parents and aunt were in a car accident. They died. It was spring, last year. My aunt was about to deliver her baby and she had to go to the hospital in a hurry... I wanted her to...' My eyes filled themselves with tears.'I'm sorry.' You apologized and glared at your feed.
'That's okay, darling.' Luna said kindly and handed me a tissue.
I dried my eyes and Thomas held my hand under the table, softly stroking it with his thumb.
'You wanted her to deliver the baby in the hospital so you blame yourself?' Luna said softly.
You nodded.

'What did you do with that guilt? Did you talk to anyone? I hear Thomas and you haven't known each other for such a long time, but was there anyone else you could rely on?'
I shook my head. 'I didn't speak about it. I acted out, getting myself wasted or high, trowing myself at random boys...' You glared at Thomas, ashamed of yourself. You knew he knew but still... 'It's okay.' Thomas said.
'Did you do anything else?'
You knew what she was after. Maybe Thomas already told her you had hurt yourself. You slowly rolled up your sleeve and let your arm rest on the table. 'I did this.' You said.
Luna glared at the wounds and nodded once. 'When was the last time?'
I sighed. 'The night before I met Thomas.' You answered. 'That's about 6 weeks ago.'

I bit my lip and waited for Luna, she was writing stuff down.
'Do you still sometimes want to hurt yourself?' She looked up from her notebook.
I thought about it, then nodded once. 'And what keeps you from doing it?' I glanced at Thomas, his eyes meeting mine. He looked serious, his jaw clenched. 'Him.' His lips curled a bit and I looked at Luna.
She glanced at me, then looked down at her notes.
'I'd like to try something, that could work for people with PTSD. It's a therapy that'll replace the bad memories for happy ones. If you're up for it, I have a place for you tomorrow morning.'
'Can Thomas come?' I asked.
Luna smiled. 'Of course. Now, I'd like you to tell me about the guilt feelings you have.'
I swallowed. 'It's my fault...'
'It was a car accident, there was nothing you could do.'
'I know... But they wouldn't even be in that car if it wasn't for me.' I said, my voice shaky. Thomas was still stroking my hand under the table.
'Why is that?' Luna asked, her voice soft and caring.
'I... I wanted her to deliver at the hospital.' I glared at Thomas. I'd never told him this. 'When I was born, I should have had an twin sister. But she didn't survive. The doctors could have known... But they didn't warn my mom. If she had delivered us at the hospital my sister would still be alive. That's why I wanted them to go to the hospital. My mom told me that it was perfectly save for Ella, my aunt, to deliver at home because her daughter was tested for the same disease. But I insisted on them to go.' I bit on my lip. 'So that's why it's my fault. If I wasn't so... Pushy. They would all be alive. Including my baby niece.'
Luna nodded understanding and Thomas squeezed my hand.
'So you wanted to protect them. That's a good intention.' Luna said softly when I finished talking.
'Yes, my intentions were good but I killed them all.'