I don't remember much of what happened once I got taken to hospital, I feel like I've been in a bubble for the last week and I can't get out. I haven't been to school for the whole week so it must have been something serious. My dad keeps sitting down and trying to talk to me about it but I can't remember, I don't want to remember. Apparently Brad has come round a lot but I've shut up him out. It's been a week and I haven't spoken to him, I didn't want to.
'Darling, me and your dad are just popping to another check up. Do you want to come with us?' My mum broke me away from my thoughts.
'No thank you, I'd rather be alone' I could talk to my parents easily now, it took a while but I got there.
'Ok, are you sure? We can always move the appointment to another day so you're not alone today?'
'Mum, I'm fine. Honestly. Now go, I just want dad to get better' I smiled.
They both kissed me goodbye and left. I was wrapped up in a blanket on the sofa and turned the TV on. Not long after my parents left, the doorbell went. I tried to look out of the window to see who it was but I couldn't tell. I went to answer the door. In front of me was stood a soaked Brad, who had his hood up which is why I didn't recognise him. I quickly turned to shut the door but his foot stopped it from closing. I ran to the sofa and wrapped my blanket around me. I heard Brad come in and close the door behind him.
'Jasmine? Jas, it's me. It-It's Brad. Jas?' He came to sit down next to me but I remained silent. 'Oh god look at you, I can't believe I did this to you' he whispered.
I turned to him. 'I can't believe you did this either. I don't even recognise you' I whispered.
His eyes looked empty, like mine probably did. Once I turned to him, I couldn't take my eyes off him. Things felt weird between us, as if we were two strangers meeting for the first time. He moved a bit closer to me and reached out to me, I flinched.
'Baby, please don't be scared. It's only me'
I slowly removed my blanket and began rolling up my sleeves. I didn't say anything but showed him my wrists, I made him look at what he did to me. I then showed him the bruise on my left hip and neck. I got his hand and led it to my collar bone. 'Feel it' I said. He poked it and it was solid. 'I don't know what you did or how you did it but it was so badly bruised that the hospital had to do something, I don't even understand what'
'I-I am so so so sorry. You have to believe me. I'm being stupid, why would you' he sat staring at my wrists. 'I'm a monster.' Tears began forming in his eyes.
'Why?'
'Why??'
'Yes. Why? It's not a hard question' I simply said.
'Why did I do it?'
I nodded.
'Truth is, I will never be able to answer that. I don't know. But you know that person wasn't me, you know it was all that horrid alcohol inside of me. You know how unlikely that is of me'
'But why did you turn to alcohol that night?'
'I had nowhere else to turn'
'What about me?'
'Jas. I know how upset you were about your dad and I was just as upset. Truth is, it ripped me apart.. A lot more than it should have. Your dad's always been like a dad to me, I'll never forget everything he's done for me and you know that. I don't know, I guess when you told me I felt your pain as well as mine and it tore me up. I didn't want you going through all of this by yourself so I thought that if I could take the pain away from you then it'll be easier'
'It will never get easier. How will it? How will any of this become easier? My parents are splitting up, my dad's ill, my family are tearing apart right in front of my eyes and I've lost the one person I trusted my life with'
'At first the drink just helped me forget about it but I got carried away. I took advantage. Then when I heard you downstairs talking to my mum that morning, I remembered how lost you looked the night before and I started again but more and more this time. I didn't want either of us to feel that pain again'
'That explains nothing. You turned violent and I hate whoever that was' I began to tear up.
'I know. I hate myself. I can't believe I would do that to you, you don't understand how much I love you. Seeing all this seriously breaks me. I haven't been myself since hearing what happened. I've lost a lot already, I can't lose you too'
I sat there wiping my tears from my face not knowing what to say. I looked to Brad and I felt emptiness. I know his mum hasn't been talking to him because of this and I know Joe hasn't really been talking to him, neither have the boys. They've been leaving him out of rehearsals. James has been trying to work on Brad's solos too. But I didn't feel sorry for him, how could I? I have to live with this pain for the rest of my life, as if that time with James wasn't bad enough. At least then he didn't actually do anything to me so it wasn't as bad.
'I can't do this Brad' I began viciously bawling again, my head in my heads. I felt Brad's arm reach around me as I fell onto his chest sobbing.
'I promise I won't ever hurt you like that again and just like I promised your dad, I won't ever leave you. I won't let anyone hurt you'
I pulled back and wiped my face. I felt so much anger towards Brad, I started hitting him to get away from me. He reached out to hold my arms to stop them flying everywhere. I broke down again, what was I doing.
'I'm sorry' I said between the cries. 'That isn't going to help anything, I just hate you so much, I can't breathe' I screamed.
'I know baby, I know. It's ok' he hugged me tight. It seemed like that was the only thing that could calm me down these days.
'What am I meant to do?' I whispered, clinging onto his shirt as I lay against him.
'I don't think anyone knows that apart from you. Look at me. I want you to get better and even if that means you don't want to see me for however long you feel like then I-I'll be ok with that'
'But I can't do this without you' I looked down.
'I swear to you now that this won't ever happen again. I promise you that monster, that person, that idiot from last week won't ever return. I love you'
'I'm not about to let you worm your way back in so easily. I can't do this Brad'
'I know it'll take time and like I said, I'll wait'
'What? No. I mean, I can't do this now or ever.. I can't be with you after-after this'
'Wha-No. N-N-No you don't mean that baby. Come on, we can work this out. You know how disgusted I feel about it all, you know how sorry I am'
'Sorry's not good enough this time Brad' I turned away from him.
'B-B-But Jas. I. Everything we've been through, everything we talked about in the future.. Y-You're what? You're giving it all up? Throwing it away? I know you're not thinking straight right now, I know you don't mean this'
'Brad please just leave' I tried to act strong, I wasn't going to break down in front of him again.
'Please I-' he whispered.
'Go'
We both know things won't go back to how they were before, probably not for a long time. Brad accepted that. I'm just glad no one else knew the extent of what happened that night, all anyone knows is that Brad got a bit too drunk and 'scared' me as dad puts it. I know he's not a bad person and I know that whoever or whatever that person was last week wasn't him. It's normal to feel scared though, right?
