Luke's Diary: An unlucky man in a zombie apocalypse. Days 601 - 756

Day 668: Monday 25th June 2018

https://www.facebook.com/150585268715788/posts/456046861502959/

Day 668
Monday 25th June 2018

Mia and the clones have been driving me mad. Me feeling all happy and positive didn't last long. One Mia is enough to drive a nun to murder but twenty of them is too much to take. I was really glad when Mia returned, and I still am, but I underestimated how infuriating it would be being with her and nineteen of her clones here; then throw in that imbecile Parrissa into the mix and the place becomes a mad house.

I'm not sure if any of the clones are the ones who I met previously and to be honest I don't know if I want to know but all I do know is that they're driving me crazy. They are all a bit different; one is a really fast runner, one is really good at climbing trees and swinging around, one is really good at making weapons out of things and one seems quite good at acrobatics. The one thing they all have in common is that they don't shut up and that they say the most stupid things. It really is like having nineteen replicas of Mia all over the place. The annoying thing is that there's no escape. Parrissa, Mia and nineteen of her clones have completely filled the house.

I did try to make an effort . . . well, with the original Mia anywhere. I was sat with her, Parrissa and Auntie Meryl (a combination of people destined to contribute towards something annoying) and I was talking about the situation with the kids. "I hope Mike comes back soon," I said. "Who's Mike?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Oh Auntie Meryl, don't start," I said, "You know who Mike is. He's gone out looking for the kids." "I was under the illusion that Michael had not fathered offspring," said Parrissa. "No," I said, rolling my eyes, "He's not gone looking for HIS kids." "Well whose bl**dy kids has he gone looking for?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Mine and Trudy's," I said, starting to get annoyed. "You and Trudy don't have kids together," said Auntie Meryl. "I'm confused," said Parrissa, "Whose children belong to who?" "God," I said, quickly feeling impatient, "Leo is mine and Esther's son, and Primark and Aldi are TJ's and Trudy's sons." Aldi?" said Parrissa, "That's a supermarket is it not?" "Is offspring when you have icky bits of leftover meat?" asked Mia. "That's offcut," I bluntly said. "No that's another word for a haircut," said Mia. "An offcut is not a haircut you silly cow," I annoyingly snapped, "A hair cut is a hair cut, an off cut is an off cut. God, you make my teeth itch." "Teeth can't itch can they?" asked Mia. "No, of course they can't bl**dy itch!" I loudly said, "Jesus. This is like being in a house of horrors." "Ooooh I love that show," said Parrissa as she burst into song, "SUUUUUUDDENLY SEYMOUR . . . . IS STANDING BESIDE YOU . . . ." "What the Hell are you talking about!?" I loudly exclaimed." "What's 'Suddenly Seymour'?" asked Mia. "It's a song," I said, "Not from the House of Horrors, but from The 'Little Shop of Horrors'." "What's that?" asked Mia. "Oh come on," I said, "I'm not that old. Everyone knows what 'The Little Shop of Horrors' is; Rick Moranis." "Who?" asked Mia. "From 'Honey I Shrunk the Kids'," I said. "From what?" asked a confused Mia. "Oh just f*ck off," I snapped, "It's bad enough I'm sat here wanting to gouge my eyes out with a spoon but I'm not going to sit here and feel old." "Honey I Shrunk the Kids?" queried Parrissa, "Is it a breakfast cereal?" "It's a film!" I yelled. "So you can't eat it?" asked Parrissa. I stood up and walked off. The lot of them were driving me insane.

Later in the day I was sat out on the back porch when Mia came up to me. "Luke," she said, as she sat opposite me, "Can I ask you something." I immediately started to feel myself getting annoyed. "If it's anything to do with off cuts, hair cuts or 'The Little Shop of f*cking Horrors' you can just p*ss off," I said. "No," said Mia, "It's a serious question. I wasn't sure what Mia was going to say but she had a contemplative look on her face. I took a deep breath and then leaned forward. "OK," I said, "Go on. What do you want to know?" "Are mermaids real?" Mia asked. A short silence lingered as I maintained a blunt yet emotionless stare at Mia. "Are you taking the p*ss?" I asked. "I'm being silly aren't I?" said Mia, "The answer's obvious isn't it?" "Yes," I bluntly said, "Of course the answer is obvious. I can't believe you had to ask." "Of course they're real," aid Mia, "I should have known. Walt Disney made that film didn't he?" "Mermaids aren't f*cking real!" I loudly said, "Jesus Christ, what is wrong with you? Why would you think mermaids are real? Why would you even ask that!?" "Well why did Walt Disney make that film?" asked Mia. "Walt Disney made a film about talking Dalmatians!" I loudly exclaimed, "Do you think Dalmatians can talk?" Mia paused for a moment as she considered the question. "Well," she said . . . "Dalmatians can't f*cking talk!" I shouted. "Yes but they are real," said Mia. "That doesn't mean mermaids are real!" I loudly said, "Not just because Walt Disney made a film about them." "Yes but just because you haven't heard a Dalmatian talk doesn't mean they can't," said Mia. I buried my hands in my head. "Oh God, help me," I said, "My son and Trudy's twins are out there and I'm sat here with you talking about mermaids and talking dogs." "Well," said Mia, "I just thought that people are real and that fish are real, so it makes sense to think a mermaid could be real because they're half people and half fish." "Well horses AND people are real too," I said, "But you don't believe in Centaurs do you?" "Cen-tors?" said Mia, "Like city cen-tors? I think it's OK for people to be in city cen-tors but not horses." In absolute silence I stood up and walked away from Mia. If I'd have listened to her for much longer I'd have I'd have found a way of deliberately bursting my eardrums to take my mind off the pain of listening to her constant stupidity.

I wish I could say that it's quiet without Tara and Mike but the house has never been noisier. I hope Tara ad Mike are both OK. I know Mike gets on my nerves and he's a bit weird and unboundaried sometimes but I guess I am fond of him. I feel safe when he's about – even though he annoys the sh*t out of me sometimes. I just hope he's looking after himself. Tara might be at The Base now. I hope that wherever she is that she's OK too.

Trudy has spent most of the day in the kitchen on her own staring into space. We all feel so sorry for her. I know my son is out there somewhere but we are strangers to each other. Trudy has brought up her kids since the day they were born. It must be killing her not knowing where they are. Poor cow. We've all tried speaking to her and offering her words of comfort but I don't think that there's anything any of us can say to make things better.