Luke's Diary: An unlucky man in a zombie apocalypse. Days 601 - 756

Day 722: Saturday 18th August 2018

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Day 722
Saturday 18th August 2018

What a day! I didn't sleep very well. I kept playing over and over in my mind what I might say to Kyle when we eventually manage to talk. I've felt tired all day, so breaking up another argument with Caroline and Auntie Meryl and being part of a beige meeting was the last thing I needed.

As soon as I woke up and walked into the main room silence fell. It was obvious everyone was talking about me. TJ started taking the p*ss out of me. "Well Nanna," he said, "What can I say? Two secret children? I mean come on, let's be honest. Esther and Caroline must have thought you'd be a pretty sh*t Dad if they both didn't tell you that you were the father of their kids." "Whereas you're father of the year are you?" I bluntly said. "No one ever hid from me that I was a Dad," said TJ. "Yeah right," I said, "I bet there's loads of women out there who've got your child and spent their entire lives avoiding you and making sure that no one finds out you're the Dad." "I probably have got kids scattered about out there," said TJ, "But the birds won't have been avoiding me cos they think I'll be a cr*p Dad. They'll have been avoiding me because they won't have been able to resist another rampant ride on my c*ck. Caroline thought sex with you was so bad she decided to start drinking from the furry cup." "I suppose it does look bad when two different women don't want you to know you're the father of their children," said Trudy. "I wonder if there's any more women out there who have had your children in secret?" said Mia. "Oh, will the lot of you shut up," said a firm Tara, "Luke just ignore them. Everything'll sort itself out. Your Auntie Meryl still doesn't know. I think you need to tell her." "She does know," said TJ, "I told her this morning." This p*ssed me off. "Well you had no right to tell her," I snapped, "No right at all." "Oh chill out Nanna," said TJ, "You were never going to do it. She wasn't very happy. In fact she hit the roof. God help Caroline when she gets hold of her." I frowned at TJ and pointed in his face. "You're a tw*t," I snapped. I stormed off and Mike came with me.

Mike and I walked around the zoo and we ended up bumping into Auntie Meryl. "What's this I'm hearing about that weird looking kid being your son?" she firmly asked me. "Just calm down," I said, "We can talk about this." "Why didn't you tell me?" snapped Auntie Meryl. "I was going to tell you today," I said, "It's been a bit of a shock." "You can say that again," said an angry Auntie Meryl, "It was bad enough when that filthy trollop left you to be with a woman who looks like a man but now she's had your son and didn't even tell you. I mean it beats me how she was able to give birth to a full grown teenager in the first place." "Auntie Meryl," I said, "Caroline didn't give birth to Kyle as he is now. She gave birth to him when he was a baby." Auntie Meryl looked confused. "Caroline put him into care when he was a baby and then she went back for him after we got divorced." "The selfish cow," said Auntie Meryl, "I mean, it's bad enough she didn't tell you she was having your child, but to chuck him into care and then go back and pick him up when she felt like it – it's a disgrace. He's not a bag of shopping. That's probably why he's turned out a bit funny." "He hasn't turned out a bit funny," I said. "Are you telling me that having hair like that and wearing those dark, depressing clothes is normal?" exchanged Auntie Meryl, "He looks like he's been to an Addam's Family funeral. Oh I am furious. I'm beside myself. That little strumpet has gone too far. I'm going to tell exactly what I think of her." "Please Auntie Meryl," I said, "We've got bigger problems to worry about. Don't cause any trouble." "Trouble?" said Auntie Meryl, "I'll give her trouble. I'll kick her arse from here to John O'Groats." Caroline was in the distance with Roz and Alison. "Oh God," I said, dreading what was inevitably about to happen. "OI, YOU DIRTY COW!" Auntie Meryl yelled. Roz and Caroline, turned round and looked at Auntie Meryl. "GET YOUR ARSE OVER HERE RIGHT NOW YOU OLD SLUT!" yelled Auntie Meryl. Caroline stormed over to Auntie Meryl with Roz close behind. "You are REALLY starting to get on my nerves old woman," snapped Caroline. "Well I'd rather be getting on someone's nerves all the time than getting on someone's bare crotch all the time," snapped Auntie Meryl, "Just how many men have you been with? Actually, how many men AND women have you been with? No one on the planet is safe from you, you harlot. I mean, what sort of a woman gets pregnant and keeps it a secret from the father? I'll tell you what sort of a woman. A floozy. A floozy like you." "I don't have to listen to this rubbish," said Caroline. She started to walk off but Auntie Meryl grabbed her and spun her back round. "Get your hands off me!" Caroline loudly snapped. "Don't you walk away from me when I'm talking to you, you two faced, sailor shagging, baby hoarding, slut," snapped Auntie Meryl, "That poor boy has only just found out that Leo is his son and now you throw another secret son at him. Are you trying to put him in an early grave?" "I'll put you in an early grave," snapped Caroline. "Oh, threatening me now are you?" exclaimed Auntie Meryl, "Did you hear that? She's threatening me? Threatening an old lady in broad day light. Disgusting behaviour. Luke, I'd get a DNA test if I were you. That kid could be anyone's; Marilyn Manson's by the look of him." Caroline looked over at me and raised her eyebrows. "Luke, will you please tell her," she said. "Oi, you're talking to the organ grinder, not the monkey," snapped Auntie Meryl. "Meryl, me and Luke talked about this yesterday," said Caroline. "Oh yes I bet you tried to twist him round your little finger didn't you?" said Auntie Meryl, "Well he's not interested; in you or that grim reaper misfit you call a son." "Meryl, I'm not going to stand here and listen to you insult me and my son," said Caroline. "Well you can sit down if you like" said Auntie Meryl, "But let me tell you something madam, I'm just getting started." "Why don't you just mind your own business?" Roz snapped at Auntie Meryl, "It's between Luke and Caroline." "Who's this?" Auntie Meryl asked Caroline, pointing at Roz, "Another secret son you've had stashed away." "This is my partner, Roz," exclaimed Caroline, "How many times do I have to keep repeating myself? Look, Roz is right, this IS between me and Luke. All this has got absolutely nothing to do with you!" "Nothing to do with me?" exclaimed Auntie Meryl, "He's my nephew." "And he's my ex-husband," Caroline exclaimed, "Kyle is OUR son, so mind your own business and let us deal with it." "Well you haven't dealt with it very well up to now have you?" snapped Auntie Meryl, "Hiding a pregnancy, giving birth to a baby in secret and putting him into care. If that's you dealing with it, I'd hate to see you making a mess of things." "Luke," said a firm Caroline, looking over at me, "Will you sort this?" I took a step forward and put my hand on Auntie Meryl's shoulder. "Come on Auntie Meryl," I said, "Just leave it now." "I will NOT leave it," snapped Auntie Meryl, "I've only just got started on this whore." "Please," I said, "Me and Caroline have had a chat. We've come to an agreement." "I've told you," Auntie Meryl said to me, "Don't let her twist you round her little finger." "She hasn't," I said, "We've talked it through. It's going to be OK." "Going to be OK?" exclaimed Auntie Meryl, "She gave birth to your son and didn't tell you. I wonder how many other kids she's got to different fellas? Mind you, have you seen the start of the offspring she produced? It looks like something's that's been dragged through a hedge backwards." "Meryl, if you keep insulting me and my son and I won't be held responsible for my actions," said Caroline. "Is that what you said when you put him into care?" said Auntie Meryl, "Were you not responsible for your actions then? You disgust me. You're nothing but a lying, cheating, selfish, two-faced scrubber." I positioned myself in front of Caroline and Auntie Meryl in an attempt to defuse the situation but as I did, Caroline, aiming to slap Auntie Meryl, ended up slapping me. Her right hand violently made contact with the left die of my face, knocking me to the ground. Mike quickly picked me and tended to the red mark on my face. "Well, now look what you've done!?" Auntie Meryl exclaimed to Caroline. "I was aiming for you," snapped Caroline. "Well your aim is just as good as your parenting," said Auntie Meryl, "Useless." "You know nothing about my parenting," snapped Caroline. "I know you had a baby in secret, lied about it and put him into care and then ended up making him dress like an undertaker," snapped Auntie Meryl. "Will you both shut up!?" I loudly said, "And while you're at it can you both stop slapping me?" "Well she's a slapper isn't she?" said Auntie Meryl, "That's what slappers do; slap. A leopard never changes its spots and a trollop like her never changes her knickers." "Luke, get her out of my sight or I swear to God, I'll go for her again!" Caroline shouted. "Come on then you old bike," snapped Auntie Meryl, "Let's see what you've got?" Mike and I ushered Auntie Meryl away from the scene as Roz and Caroline walked away. My face was once again red raw and really stinging.