Luke's Diary: An unlucky man in a zombie apocalypse. Days 601 - 756

Day 699: Thursday 26th July 2018

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Day 699
Thursday 26th July 2018

What an interesting day it's been. We arrived at the zoo and we're STILL at the zoo. There's been some interesting developments and a few surprises. 

The second I opened my eyes this morning I was on my feet and ushering the others to wake and get ready. "Come on," I said, "Up and at 'em. We've got a zoo to get to." After sleeping on a sh*tty toilet floor the other night and a bale of hay in a rickety old barn last night I was keen to get to the zoo, get Tara and Mike and get back to the power station. We gathered our things, left the barn, got in the car and set off for the zoo.

Before I started the engine, I turned round to everyone and assertively laid down the law. "Right," I firmly said, "I don't want any dramas, OK? No one making stupid comments. No one asking annoying questions. No one violently vomiting on anyone. Just a nice car ride to the zoo. OK?" There was a short pause. "I need a wee," said Parrissa. "Me too," said Mia. "Actually I could do with a slash," said TJ. "For f*cks sake," I complained, "It's like having a load of kids in the back." "Chill out Nanna," said TJ, "When you gotta go you gotta go. Very big TJ needs to let big TJ get some air. Come on Nanna. We all gotta siphon the python. Mind you, you probably squirm the worm don't you? Tinkle the winkle? Faggot the maggot?" "Faggot the maggot?" I confusingly exclaimed, "What does that even mean?" "It means you've got a tiny c*ck, Nanna," said TJ, "Whereas I have a mighty meaty mass." The three idiots got out of the car, had a wee and then we were off. I was pleasantly surprised that TJ's tyre change didn't cause any problems or f*cks ups. He seemed to have done a good job changing the tyre. However, the annoying thing was that we drove for just under ten minutes and then came to the entrance to the zoo.

As I drove up to the entrance I looked up at the sign; 'Welcome to Parkside Zoo.' The big iron gates were firmly locked with thick iron chains and a large padlock. I gave the others a blunt look. "Eight minutes," I firmly says, "We were eight minutes away! We didn't have to stay in that sh*tty barn. We were eight f*cking minutes away!"'

The four of us got out of the car and walked up to the big imposing gates. "Well how do we get in?" asked Mia. "Is there a door bell?" Parrissa asked. "How can there be a door bell when there isn't a frigging door?" I snapped. "They've got the walkie talkie," said Parrissa. "Yes but we don't, so that's no good is it?" I said. "It's a shame we don't have the internet," said Parrissa, "We could ask Google." "What are you on about?" I asked. "Ask Google," said Parrissa, "Whenever you need help or whenever you have a question; you ask Google and it gives you the answer." "What the f*ck are you talking about?" I said, quickly starting to feel annoyed.  "Google," said Parrissa. "You do know that Google's not actually a person don't you, you strange little weirdo?" said TJ. "I know," said Parrissa, "I'm not stupid. It's part of the internet, but you ask it questions and it gives you answers." "Yes," I said in frustration, "But they're questions like, what's the capital of China and how many centimetres are in a foot? Not, how do we break into a zoo to get our friends back who have accidentally been kidnapped?" "Well it would depend on how big your foot is wouldn't it?" said Mia, "I mean everyone's foots are different sizes, and do you take into account the toes?" "Oh my God," I said, rubbing my eyes in annoyance, "Mia, first of all it's feet, not foots and second, I'm talking about a unit of measurement not an actual foot on the end of someone's leg." "Well where else would a foot be?" giggled TJ. "In a shoe?" said Mia. "I thought we were talking about Google?" said Parrissa. "Will you all just shut up?" I snapped, "We need to figure out a way to get in there." "Hang on," said TJ, looking through the gates, "Looks like someone might be coming to let us in right now." "We don't have to pay to get in do we?" asked Parrissa. "Oh shut up," I said. 

A tall, stocky man with short dark/grey-ish hair walked up to the gates. He had a short dark but scruffy beard and was in his late forties. I can honestly say this is the most negative man I have ever met in my life. He looked terribly unhappy; miserable in fact, and he had the most boring sounding voice ever. "Hello," He glumly and slowly said, "You must be the people we've been waiting for." "Who are you?" I asked. "Richard Brown," the man said, "I've never liked my name. I wanted to be called Joe." "Brown's an OK name," said Mia. "It's the colour of poo." Richard looked up. "'Might rain," he said in a depressing tone. "Well that would be good," said Mia, "We could collect the rain and boil it." "We don't do that," said Richard, "We've got this automatic filtering system. It purifies rain water and wee wee." "You've got power in there?" I said. "Hmm," said Richard, "Generators, but they're really complicated to work and they smell funny." "Look," I said, "Are you going to let us in or what?" "I've got the keys," said Richard, holding up a large bunch of keys. There was a short pause. Richard just stared at us holding the keys, not moving. I gave the others confusing looks, indicating that I had no idea what he was doing. "Soooo, can we come in please?" I asked. "I can't remember which key opens the gates," said Richard. "Oi! Chuckles!" TJ, loudly said, "Don't stand there like a t*t, pull your finger out and starting seeing which key opens the lock you big bell end." With a dull expression in his face, Richard started checking all of the keys and trying them in the lock, one by one, as slowly as he could. This was getting annoying. "'Ere mate," said TJ, "Do you want to go a bit slower? I mean there's no rush. Take your time. We're only open to the infected out here." "I was infected once," said Richard. "What with?" asked Mia. "Oh, everything," said Richard, "You name it; I've had it. And don't even get me started on allergies. I've got them all; nuts, cats, pollen, shellfish, dust. I sometimes think I'm allergic to people. I don't really like people." "Do you like animals?" asked Mia. "Not really," Richard said glumly. "Yeah, well I'm allergic to lanky tw*ts that p*ss about opening gates for us," said TJ, "They bring me out in a rash and I get this uncontrollable urge to kick the sh*t out of them." "I bruise really easily too," said Richard, "And sometimes it's hard for me to give blood and other times I bleed too much." "He'll be bleeding too much in a minute if he doesn't get these gates open," I said to TJ. "Look, laughing boy," snapped TJ, "We don't need your CV and a list of your medical history. Just open the f*cking gates." Eventually Richard managed to open the gates, we got back in the car and drove inside. I wound the window down and looked at Richard. "Drive to the end of the road and you'll see the pay booth," He said, "Go to the left and you'll see the visitors centre. Most of us are in there." "It must be nice living in a zoo," Mia said to Richard. "Not really," said Richard, "It smells funny and some of the animals make weird noises." "Yeah but I bet some of them are cute," said Mia. "They bite," said Richard, "And they give you funny looks." "Richard," I said, "I think you need to put a sticker or something on the key that opens the main gates." "I can't," said Richard, "The sticky adhesive brings my skin out in a rash." "OK," I said, "Well maybe keep that key separate from the others." "I might lose it then," said Richard. "I'm going to lose it in a minute," TJ said under his breath. "Richard," I said, "There may come a time when you all need to get out of here pretty quick and if that time comes you don't want to be faffing about with keys. Can't you just put a rubber band around it or something?" "I don't like rubber bands," said Richard, "The boys at school used to flick them at me." "Well can you write on the actual key in permanent marker or something?" I asked. "Permanent marker gives me a headache," said Richard. "I'm getting a f*cking headache," said TJ under his breath. "Look, we'll leave you to sort it out," I said to Richard, "We'll see you shortly." "Let's hope so," said Richard. He walked back to the gates and started to lock them. I turned and looked at everyone with a dismayed expression on my face.  "Well he's a f*cking barrel of laughs," said TJ "Can you actually purchase a barrel of laughs?" asked Parrissa.