Luke's Diary: An unlucky man in a zombie apocalypse. Days 601 - 756

Day 681: Sunday 7th July 2018

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Day 681
Sunday 7th July 2018

I feel much better today.

The second I got up out of bed Trudy collared me and told him it's about time I learnt how to change my son's nappy. As much as I hated to admit it, she had a point. She took me over to where the baby table had been set up, placed Leo on the surface and started showing me what to do. She unfastened Leo's nappy to reveal a horrible mess of sloppy sh*te. I started heaving as if I was going to be sick. "Look Nanna, you need to man up," said Trudy, "It's baby sh*t. This is going to be your life for the next few months. If TJ can change a sh*tty nappy so can you." "Oh God, it's disgusting," I said, trying not to be sick. "Of course it's disgusting," said Trudy, "It's just come out of s baby's arse. It's not going to smell like lavender is it? We all poo Luke, even you." "Yeah but I don't lay on my back with it all caked across my arse," I said, "Anyway my sh*t doesn't smell as bad as that." "Well you just need to get over it," said Trudy, "I've changed loads of nappies. Primark and Aldi, well they . . ." Trudy stopped talking and looked angry and upset. "You OK?" I gently asked. "Fine," She said assertively. "You sure?" I asked. "Yes," Trudy sharply replied. "Do you want to talk about it?" I calmly asked. "Talk about what?" snapped Trudy, "How your girlfriend ate my son. No thanks." "Well . . . She wasn't my girlfriend," I tentatively said, "She was Leo's Mum. I know you're upset but. . ." "Upset!?" exclaimed Trudy, "I'm not upset. I'm f*cking livid. I had to pick up bitten off parts of Aldi's and try to assemble them all properly in a box so he looked like a person and not a piece of meat. I had to fold his flesh back into place and put his innards back on so he resembled something human. No mother should ever have to see their child like that. No mother, ever." "There's no point being upset at Esther though," I gently said, "It's not her fault. If anyone's to blame it's ACROBAT." "I know that, I'm not stupid!" snapped Trudy, "I know this is ACROBAT's fault! . . . That's why I'm going to back to The Base, find that Goyle bloke and kill him." Trudy proceeded to change Leo's nappy as we continued to talk. "You're going to leave?" I said. "Yeah," said Trudy, "There's enough weapons here so you won't miss a couple." "But you can't drive," I said. "I'll walk," said Trudy. "What!? All the way to The Base," I said, "It's miles away." "Well I'd better make a start then," said Trudy. "On foot!?" I exclaimed. "I'm not afraid of walking," said Trudy. "But you don't know where it is?" I exclaimed. "It's on the other side of Brickford," said Trudy. "Yeah, but you don't know where," I said, "You don't have a map, and it'll take you ages to walk to Brickford, and even if you do get to The Base, Goyle might not even be there.  Do you really think you can take on a load of ACROBAT soldiers on your own?" "The way I'm feeling right now o could take on the world," said Trudy. "Look what happened went you went off on your own before. When you went after Janine. Who is STILL here by the way," I said, "You got locked underground and treated like a slave by the evil cow. Take your anger out on her." "She's the least of my problems right now," said Trudy. "So hang on let me get this right," I said, "You're going to walk from here to Brickford, on your own, find The Base, find Goyle, kill him, and then walk back here." "Yep," said Trudy. "And you don't see any flaws in this plan?" I said. "Luke, when I had no idea where the twins were I sat back and did nothing. I did NOTHJNG!" she cried, "And Aldi died. I can't sit back and do nothing again." "But you don't need to do anything," I said, "You've got Primark, he's here; you know he's OK. Focus on what you've got, not on revenge." "Goyle needs to pay," said Trudy, "And I'm going to make sure he does." There was clearly no talking to her. I spoke to TJ and Mike and the three of us agreed that we needed to do whatever it took to keep her here so she's safe and with Primark. Trudy says she'd set off tomorrow. I hope she changes her mind overnight. If age doesn't, Mike, TJ and I are going to do something that she won't enjoy. . . 

I now know how to change a nappy. Something I can add to my CV! I was holding Leo and telling Rocky and Parrissa how much baby poo stinks but that I was chuffed I could change a nappy. "It must be weird," Rocky says to me, "Not being a Dad one minute and then being a Dad the next." "Yeah I suppose it is a bit weird," I said, "I'm still getting used it it. Trudy and Auntie Meryl have been great. I'd be useless without them." "Did you ever want kids?" asked Rocky. "Not really," I said, "Me and my ex-wife had different ideas about that." "Did your parents want grand-kids?" asked Rocky. "It never came up," I said, "Mum was a man loving sex mad slapper and Dad wasn't really interested. He died a few years ago." "What about your Mum?" asked Rocky. "Well I suppose she's probably dead," I said, "Just like everyone else. Anyway, I haven't seen her in years. In the unlikely event that the selfish cow is still alive she's probably trying to work her way through the remaining men on planet Earth." Naomi then appeared after overhearing Rocky. "Why are you asking so many questions," she assertively asked him. "I'm just making conversation," said Rocky. "B*llocks," said Naomi, "That's not how you make conversation, you make conversation about things like the weather." "The weather!?" I exclaimed, "We're underground. What's the point in talking about the weather?" "I don't trust this guy," said a suspicious Naomi, pointing at Rocky, "His behaviour really concerns me." "Well your behaviour hardly fills me with confidence," I exclaimed, "You know I was really happy when you turned up. I'd missed you so much and I was really looking forward to you being part of the group again." "Do you want me to be grateful or something?" asked a blunt Naomi. "I want you to stop being such a b*tch," I said, "It's bad enough we've got Janine, we don't need two b*tches." Naomi walked off. "I really don't know what I've done to offend her," said Rocky. "Ignore her," I said, "She can't say she's suspicious of you when she's stuck to that nasty cow, Janine, like glue." "God you lot always have some sort of drama don't you?" said Rocky with a smile. "Hmm. I suppose we do," I said. "I was very good at drama in school," said Parrissa, "In fact I was quite good at all the arts and creative subjects. One of my teachers said I was the most artistic people he ever knew. He was even going to arrange for me to be sent to a special school because he thought I was so artistic. He said he was going to arrange for me to get a special certificate . . . No . . . Not a certificate. CERTIFIED." "What?" I said, "Certifying someone who's artistic. What are you on about?"  "No!" said Parrissa, "Not artistic. Autistic. Silly me."

I was sat with Auntie Meryl later on when all of a sudden out of nowhere a ginger car just appeared out of nowhere and jumped on my lap. "AAAAAGH!"I loudly shrieked. The cat jumped on the floor and ran off into the facility. "What is it? What's going on? What was that?" exclaimed Auntie Meryl, "Was it a rat?" "It was a cat!" I loudly said, "A bl**dy ginger cat. Where the Hell did that come from? 'Scared the bl**dy sh*t out of me." Mia and Parrissa spent ages looking for the cat, but they couldn't find him. God knows where that thing's been hiding. I'll have to keep my wits about me. I don't want that ginger f*cker jumping out of nowhere and scaring me half to death.

Bed time soon. I'm feeling a bit anxious about what might happen with Trudy tomorrow. The second Mike, TJ and I get a whiff that she might be leaving we're going to try and stop her. I'm not sure how that's going to go down. Let's hope she changes her mind overnight.