Luke's Diary: An unlucky man in a zombie apocalypse. Days 601 - 756

Day 689: Monday 16th July 2018

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Day 689
Monday 16th July 2018

We're all still at the motorway service station but there's been a dramatic turn of events!

The morning started with me being in a ratty mood. I didn't get a wink of sleep thanks to being stuck in the bl**dy tiny cleaning cupboard with frigging Mike, getting on my b*stard nerves.

Before we officially tried to get some sleep we discussed how it was going to work. "Well," said Mike, "I usually close my eyes and think of nice things like fluffy sheep, or flowery fields, or kittens in a basket, or me taking a cheese grater to Janine's face and pulverising her mug like there's no tomorrow. That sort of thing." "Lovely," I said, "I wasn't asking about the mechanics of how we get to sleep but more HOW are we going to do it given our current situation. There's not enough room for us to lie down." "Yeah but we can sit and cross our legs," said Mike. Mike suddenly started taking his clothes off in a casual manner. "What are you doing?" I asked. "Getting ready to go to sleep," said Mike, "I always sleep in the buff. Let's the air get to my balls." "Mike you are not taking your clothes off in here," I firmly said. "It's OK," said Mike, "I think there's enough room. We both just need to breathe in a bit." "I don't mean because of the tight space," I firmly said, "I mean because it's f*cking weird." "It's not weird," said Mike, "It's natural. You should strip off too. You'll sleep better." Mike continued taking his clothes off. "Mike," I bluntly said, "I never thought I'd have to say this, but I am NOT, getting naked with you in a tiny cleaning cupboard whilst there's a sh*t load of infected outside trying to get in and eat us." "Ah, don't worry about them," said Mike, "They'll probably be gone by morning." Mike pulled down his trousers and pants and stood right in front at me, looking me in the eye with a smile on his face. "Well this is weird," I said. "Don't be silly," said Mike, "Oh, I need to take my socks off." I tried to take a step back but there wasn't much room. "Be careful," said Mike, "You don't want my chopper to hit you in the face." Mike bent down to take off his socks and dye to the awkward angle we were both at, his arsehole was right in my face. "Ugh! Mike!" I loudly said. I immediately jumped back but as there was next to no room, I banged my head on a shelf causing a large bottle of Jiff cream cleaner to fall over resulting in me being covered from head to toe in creamy cleaning liquid. I stood still with a stern look in my face, as the creamy white cleaning liquid dripped off the end of my nose, dribbled down my face and ran all the at down my torso. I was covered in it. Mike finished taking his socks off and turned round and looked at me. "Oh what's happened?" He asked. Mike sniffed me. "It smells nice," he said, "What is It?" "It's f*cking creamy Jiff!" I loudly and angrily said. "Creamy jizz?" said Mike. "No, not f*cking creamy jizz!" I loudly exclaimed, "Creamy JIFF. JIFF. JIFF." "Oh I could do with some of that to get some of these stained off my chopper." "Here," I snapped, throwing the Jiff bottle at him, "Have your jizz. I mean Jiff! JIFF!" I was in a foul mood at this point and Mike's consistent cheeriness and constant attempts at trying to help me cheer up, along with the noisy infected banging on the door outside wasn't helping. 

So what with Mike's shenanigans, me being covered in creamy jiff, squashed up against a naked man snoring like a rhino with laryngitis and the hordes of infected aggressively banging against the cupboard door all night, getting any sleep in such a confined space was impossible.

When morning came I had a throbbing headache and was just staring into space like a brain dead loser. Mike woke up, yawned, strewed, rubbed his eyes and then looked at me and smiled. "Morning babes," he said, "How did you sleep?" I gave Mike a stern stare. "How the f*ck do you think I slept!?"  I loudly exclaimed, "I didn't get any sleep at all!" I suddenly realised that the infected weren't making any noise or banging against the door. "Hang on," I said, "It's all gone quiet outside. Maybe the infected have gone." "Well wait a minute," said Mike, "Let me get dressed." At this point I had absolutely no idea that Naomi and Janine were stood right outside the cupboard door and could hear everything that Mike and I were saying. It did NOT sound good. "Why did you have time take your clothes off?" I asked. "Well o can't do what I need to do with my clothes on, can I?" said Mike, "Just get into a different position and I'll get this over and done." Lots of tensing and stretching noises followed. "For God's sake," I said, "Will you just get on with it?" "Hang on I'm trying to get it in the hole," said Mike (referring to a button hole). "Mike, just hurry up," I said. "Hang on," said Mike, "Oooh God, it really is tight is tight isn't it?" "Mike, please," I said, "It's too hot in here and face feels all stiff." "That'll be all my dried jizz on your face from last night," said Mike. "Right now I'm more bothered about the damage that big chopper of yours could do to me," I said. "It's OK," said Mike, "I'm nearly finished. Ah. There we go. All done. Come on. Let's get out of here." We opened the cupboard door to see Janine and Naomi stood before us with looks of utter shock on their faces. It didn't help that Mike was doing up his belt and I was covered in dried on Jiff." "Oh God," I said, suddenly realising what Janine and Naomi must have just overheard. "Was Mike just f*cking you up the arse?" asked Janine. "NO!!!" Mike and I loudly simultaneously said. "It's too small in there to do anything like that," said Mike. "Err . . . For the record, that's not WHY he wasn't f*cking me up the arse," I quickly explained. "Luke, what the Hell is that all over your face?" asked Naomi. "It's my jizz," said Mike, "I covered him in a load of it last night." "JIFF!" I loudly yelled, "JIFF! It's Jiff! Stop saying you covered me I your jizz. Look, we've got more important things to worry about. Where are the infected?" "Looks like they just wandered off," said Naomi, "But I don't think they're too far away so we all need to keep our voices down." "Yeah, Luke," said Janine. "What the f*ck is she doing out of her little hole?" asked Mike. "I let her out," said Naomi, "You can't go around locking people in cupboards just like that. Who do you think you are?" "Christ you're so delusional," I said, "Naomi, Janine is nothing but trouble." "You locked me in a cupboard," said a firm Janine, "So you two are hardly girl guides." "I'm delusional?" said Naomi, "Come with me. I'm going to show you something. Then we'll see who's delusional." "Wait a minute," I said, "Where's Rocky." "That's what I'm going to show you," said Naomi.