Luke's Diary: An unlucky man in a zombie apocalypse. Days 601 - 756

Day 704: Tuesday 31st July 2018

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Day 704
Tuesday 31st July 2018

I made myself look like a tw*t in front of Roz again today.

Naomi told me she'd spoken to Roz but apparently she was too angry to listen. "She thinks you called her an annoying bird that needs locking up in a cage," said Naomi. "I was talking about that f*cking parrot," I firmly said, "Surely she can see that now." "I did try to tell her," said Naomi, "But she was too angry. She wasn't having any of it. I suppose when someone's thrown their cum in your face and then they think you want them locked up in a cage it's, going to make you feel a bit cross. It doesn't help that she's a radical feminist." "Has she said anything about chucking me out?" I asked. "She won't chuck you out when you've got Leo," Naomi said, "Anyway, it's not just her decision. Give her some space. I'm sure she'll realise you were talking about that stupid bird.  Mind you it did sound bad." I hope Roz does come round to realising that I was talking about LuLu and not her. I don't like living in a tense atmosphere. I'm pleasantly surprised by Naomi. She seems to be returning back to her old self. "Why are you so keen to help me sort things out with Roz?" I asked. "Well someone's got to look after you, you big useless lump?" said Naomi with warm smile. I reciprocated. "Thanks," I said with an affection expression.

Later in the day I saw Kyle looking at the large lion that was roaming around the enclosure. "What you up to?" I asked. "Riding a bike," Kyle sarcastically said, "What does it look like I'm doing?" "You look bored," I said. "So?" said Kyle, "You look old but I'm not going on about it." "Why do you have to be mean?" I asked. "Why do you have to be so annoying?" said Kyle. "I'm trying to be nice to you," I firmly said. "Didn't ask you to, did I?" snapped Kyle. "Do you know," I firmly said, "I sometimes think it's not that you don't want to be around people, it's that people don't want to be around you." "Am I bovvered?" said Kyle. "Alright," I said, "Calm down Catherine Tate." "Who?" said Kyle. "Catherine Tate," I said, "She was in The Catherine Show." "Well I didn't think she was in the Kevin Bishop show," said Kyle. "She was in Doctor Who with David Tennant," I said. "David who?" said Kyle. "David Tennant," I exclaimed, "He was the Doctor after Christopher Eccleston." "who?" "Christopher Eccleston," I exclaimed, "He came back as the Doctor in 2005 with Billie Piper." "who?" "Billie Piper!" I loudly said, getting annoyed, "Honey to the Bee. Because we want to." "I have no idea what you're talking about," said Kyle. "Billie Piper!" I loudly said, "She married Chris Evans." "The guy who was in The Avengers?" asked Kyle. "No, the guy who presented The Big Breakfast on channel four." "The Big Breakfast?" said a confused Kyle. "Yes!" I loudly exclaimed, "With Gabby Rosalind." "Gabby who?" asked Kyle. "Oh Jesus Christ," I snapped, getting annoyed, "Everyone remembers the Big Breakfast. It stopped in March 2002." "I wasn't born until 2004," said Kyle. "Oh p*ss off," I snapped. "Don't have a go at me just cos I'm young and you're old." "I'm not old," I firmly said, "I'm classed as a young man." "Yeah right," said Kyle, "Whatever. Look, do you want something?" "Well I was hoping for a civil conversation," I said, "But I can see I'm wasting my time." "Looks like it," said Kyle. "You should be nice to me," I said, "I've got on dirt on you." "What you on about?" asked Kyle. "It's a saying," I said. "Something else that comes from the 1900s?" asked Kyle. "It means don't bite the hand that feeds," I said. "You what?" said Kyle. "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth," I said. "Eh?" said Kyle. "I'm saying that I know stuff about you," I said, "Leaving the zoo, looking at porn, smoking. If you keep being horrible to me I can tell everyone what you've really been up to and then the sh*t will hit the fan won't it?" "Whatever Nanna, said Kyle, "I'm not scared of you. You're a wuss. You were scared of your own wife." "What you bringing her into this for?" I snapped. "It's just obvious you were scared of her," said Kyle. "I was NOT scared of her," I firmly said. "I think you're scared of Roz too," said Kyle. "I am definitely NOT scared of Roz," I firmly said. "Yeah you are," giggled Kyle, "I've seen you. You sh*t your pants every time she walks past you." "No I don't," I said. "You do," said Kyle. "I don't," I firmly said, starting to get angry. "You do," said Kyle with a smug grin. "I f*cking don't!" I loudly snapped, "I wasn't scared of my wife and I'm not scared of Roz. For all you know she's scared of me; maybe that's why she's trying to avoid me. What would you say if I chucked my spunk in her face on purpose to show her what a tough guy I really am? Maybe I was really talking about locking her up in a cage. Maybe I wasn't talking about that stupid parrot. That shows you I'm not scared. What do you think about that?" I noticed Kyle was trying to stop himself from laughing. I frowned with confusion, turned round and who was stood behind me . . .  ROZ! Of course she f*cking was! This did not look good. She stormed off and I tried to call after her and explain things but it was obvious that there was no point. I returned to Kyle and gave him a vicious stare as he looked at me and laughed. "You little f*cker," I snapped, "You set me up didn't you?" Kyle smiled and nodded. "Yep," he said, "God you're such a loser." "You're getting on my f*cking nerves," I snapped, "What's to stop me from telling Roz about all of your little secrets?" "Like she's going to believe anything you've got to say now," giggled Kyle. "You just make sure you stay out of my way," I snapped, "Or I might do something you won't like." "What?" giggled Kyle, "Breathe on me with your bad breath?" I started to walk off but then I returned and pointed at Kyle. "Oh, and for the record," I firmly said, "I am NOT scared of Roz and I was NEVER scared of my wife, and considering she was such a bossy, fire breathing, control freak of a dragon, I think that's something to be proud about." I then stormed off. The little sod is really starting to get on my nerves. Maybe I just need to stay out of his way.

The others quickly heard about what happened with Roz overhearing me mouth off. TJ took the p*ss and Naomi was very disappointed. "It's like you're purposefully going out of your way to make things difficult," she said, "I can't convince her that you were talking about that parrot when you're telling Kyle you might have been talking about her." "It's not my fault," I exclaimed, "It's that Kyle. He winds me up." "He's fourteen Luke," said Naomi, "You're a grown man." I know Naomi's got a point but the little sh*t just knows how to press my buttons. So now I've got even more making up to do with Roz. Can things get any worse?