Luke's Diary: An unlucky man in a zombie apocalypse. Days 601 - 756

Day 672: Friday 29th June 2018

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Day 672
Friday 29th June 2018

Esther got right on my nerves today but the day ended on a positive when Parrissa said something completely out of the blue which annoyed me at first but then put a smile on my face.

It was early in the morning when we were all woken by the loud and horrible sound of a wooden spoon being bashed against a saucepan. We all quickly exited our bedrooms and gathered on the landing feeling rather anxious and thinking that there could be some infected in the house. Rubbing our eyes, forcing ourselves to wake up and remaining alert we looked towards the top of the stairs to see Esther with a pan in one hand and a wooden spoon in the other. "What is it?" I said in panic, "Is it the infected?" "No, it's not the infected," said Esther. "Well what the Hell is going on?" I exclaimed. "Yeah, what you playing at d*ckhead?" snapped TJ. "What the bl**dy Hell's all that noise?" said a shocked Auntie Meryl, "It's a good job my friend Betty Crack isn't here. Her p*ss bag would have exploded." "Come on," said Esther, "Chop chop, we're having a team meeting?" "A team meeting?" I said in confusion, "We don't work at HMV. What are you playing at?" Esther loudly banged the wooden spoon against the saucepan. "Team meeting in the living room in ten minutes," she said. "I swear to God I'm going to shove that wooden spoon up your f*cking arse and shove you down those b*stard stairs," snapped Trudy. "I'll see you all in the living room shortly," said a firm Esther, "Ten minutes. Chop, chop." I had no idea, at this point, what Esther thought she was playing at, but feeling ratty and annoyed we all got changed and for some reason, followed Esther's instructions.

When we all entered the living room we looked at our surroundings with confusion. Name cards were placed on the chairs and the sofa, chairs from the kitchen were placed round the coffee table and there was a flip chart stand with markers pens and large sheets of paper in the corner of the room. "What's this? Office World?" asked TJ. "Imagine that," said Parrissa, "A world full of offices. I think that would be rather humorous." "Where's the bl**dy flip chart paper come from?" I exclaimed. "I found I in the pantry," said Esther, "Now everyone sit next to your name and we'll begin." "Begin what?" I asked. "Our meeting," said Esther. We all took our seats and exchanged further confusing looks. Esther stood next to the flip chart stand, picked up one of the marker pens and started pointing around with it. "Right then," she said, "I have called this team meeting to address our current problematic situation." "What you on about?" snapped Trudy. "Are we classed as a team?" asked Mia. Auntie Meryl tapped me on the shoulder. "What's she saying?" she asked me. "I am saying that we are running dangerously low on food and water and that we need to do something," said Esther, "And as no one else has decided to address the matter I have taken it on myself to chair this meeting with the aim of coming up with a plan to tackle the problem." "I'm confused," said Mia. "What's the problem? Why can't we just go to the supermarket?" asked Auntie Meryl. "What a funny saying," said Parrissa, "CHAIR a meeting. You CHAIR a meeting. It's like saying you SOFA a party; you TABLE  a gathering; you BOOKCASE a get-together; you WARDROBE a conference; you . . ." "Oh shut up!" I loudly said to Parrissa and then turning my attention to Esther, "I was going to speak to people about the food and water situation. I'd planned to do something about it." "Well you didn't did you?" said Esther, "Anyway I'm the one with the management experience." "I was an accounts manager," I said. "Of a stationery company," Esther said bluntly. "So!? I can still take charge," I protested. "Luke, we're trying to come up with a strategic plan to get us food and water, not count pencil sharpeners. Let me deal with it." "Don't patronise me," I firmly said, "I've taken charge before." "Yeah and it's usually ended in disaster," said Esther, "Look, it's time we all addressed the elephant in the room." "We can hardly miss you, you're stood right in front of us you fat cow," said TJ. "We don't have time for your childish TJ," said Esther, "Contribute or shut up." Auntie Meryl taped me on the shoulder again. "What's she on about?" she asked, "She needs pencil sharpeners?" "I think we need to brain storm ideas about how we can get food and water," said Esther, "So after we've introduced ourselves, I want us to al go round one by one, contributing ideas and I'll write them all down." "Introduce ourselves!?" exclaimed Trudy, "We all know each other you dumb b*tch." "What's a brain storm?" asked Mia. "I think it's where it ends up raining people's brains," said Parrissa. "Oh my God, is that a thing?" asked Mia. "I'm just saying we need to write down ideas," said Esther. "About what?" asked Auntie Meryl. "About food and water," said Esther. "Well if it's a shopping list you're on about I'd like some hobnob," said Auntie Meryl. "I'm quite partial to angel delight," said Parrissa. "Can I get some Haribo Star mix?" asked Mia. "What are you all on about?" I exclaimed, "We're not writing down a shopping list. It's not like we can go to Tesco's is it?" "No that would be silly," said Parrissa. "Exactly," I said. "I don't think there's a Tesco round here," said Parrissa, "But there could be a Waitrose." "Look, before we start talking about ideas we need to do things properly and introduce ourselves." "We all know who we are!" I loudly said. "Yeah and the clones don't have names do they?" said TJ. "So what are we doing then?" asked Auntie Meryl, "Is it a quiz?" "Oh I love a good quiz," said Mia, "Meryl, can I be in your team?" "I was in a quiz once," said Parrissa, "Well there were five of us being asked questions by the police." "That's not a quiz you thick cow," said Trudy. "Look!" Esther loudly and annoyingly said, "I think we need to go out and look for food and water." "So you've already made the decision for us," I said, "So why are we all sat around here?" "You'll go out looking for food but you won't go out looking for you own kid," muttered Trudy. "What did you just say?" Esther assertively asked Trudy. "Let's not started arguing," said Nicola, "Esther's got a point, we do need food. Look I'll go out and look for some if someone comes with me." "You can't go out, love," Auntie Meryl said to Nicola, "Not with your disease." "It's not a disease," Nicola firmly said. "If you go out there, you'll lose your balance, bang your knees and fall down dead," said Auntie Meryl, "And we don't want that do we? I lost my balance and banged my knees once when I was bending down to get some clean underwear out of my bottom drawer. It hurt for days. That's what you get for trying to wear clean knickers." "Look, can we get back to the introductions please," said Esther, "I have an agenda to get through." "Esther, we all know each other," said TJ. "Where's this agenda then?" asked Trudy. "A gender?" said Mia, "That's when you're a girl or a boy isn't it?" "No that's sex," said Nicola. "My favourite subject," said TJ. "You can't have any hanky panky with your horrible disease," Auntie Meryl said to Nicola, "You'll pass on your germs. Think of the poor kids you'll produce. They'll have hairy hands and webbed meet." "My Uncle Herbert had webbed feet," said Parrissa. "My Auntie Mary had hairy hands," said Mia. "Oh God, will you all sh*t up!?" Esther yelled, "This meeting is going to take forever at this rate and I've got trust exercises and team building activities to complete." "Trust exercises!" exclaimed Trudy. "Team building activities!" TJ loudly said. "Esther we don't need to have a bl**dy meeting," I said, "We know what we need to do. We need to get in the car and go out looking for food." "Luke, please," said Esther, "Let's stick to the agenda. Now can we all please introduce ourselves?"

What followed was hours of pointless discussions; introductions, charts, graphs, SMART aims and objectives, pros and cons lists, trust exercises and team building games. What a load of useless old sh*t. When it got to late afternoon I snapped. "OK," I firmly said, "This is f*cking stupid. What are we doing here going through all this b*llocks? We know what we need to do. We need to get in the car and go look for food and water. All this sh*t is a waste of time." "Yeah," said Trudy, "It's a load of sh*te. Let's just get in the car and get out there. What are we bothering doing all this trust games cr*p for?" "Yes, but if we get in the car where are we going to go?" asked an assertive Esther, "We need more meetings to discuss where exactly we're going to drive to?" "Christ not another f*cking boring meeting," said TJ. "I don't think it's a good idea to get in the car and just drive around aimlessly to look for food," said Esther, "We need to have some clue where we're going." "Well we could go to mine," said Parrissa. Silence fell as we all gave Parrissa blunt yet confusing look. "Sorry. What?" I asked. "Well there's lots of food and water and home where my Mum and Dad are. I'm sure they won't mind giving you some." There was another lingering pause. Some of us exchanged looks of dismay. "Parrissa," I bluntly said, "Are you telling me that we've just spent the last eight and a half hours listening to this bossy b*tch bore us to death, playing sh*tty trust games and taking part in pointless team building exercises so we can come up with some plan to get us much needed supplies, when all along you had food and water back at your place?" Parrissa looked contemplative. "Well yes," said Parrissa, "When you put it like that, I suppose that IS in fact the case. Funny how things turn out." I started picturing strangling Parrissa to death. I was going to start having a go at her but Nicola interrupted me. "Parrissa," she said, "If you have a Mum and Dad out there somewhere, why are you here?" "Well you're all so lovely," said Parrissa, "And anyway, I only left the house because I was worried about my little Muff." Nicola's eyes widened as she looked rather shocked. "She means her dog," I explained. "How much food and water is at your house?" Esther asked Parrissa. "Well there's certainly enough for everyone here to last for . . . Well . . . About a month." "Well that's great," I said, sounding excited, "What are we waiting for? Let's go now." "It's getting too dark," said Esther, "It's safer to go in the morning when it's light." "I don't get it," said Nicola, "Parrissa, why are you here when you could be at home with your Mum and Dad." "Don't worry," said Parrissa, "My Mum and Dad will be fine. They can look after themselves. I'm more worried about my Muff." "OK," I said, "So just to clarify; we'll get up in the morning, go to Parrissa's and get food and water. Yeah? Is that right?" "That is indeed right," said Parrissa, "You can come and meet Mr and Mrs King." "What' she saying?" Auntie Meryl asked me, "Does she think her Dad's a king or something?" "Oh I'd love to meet your Mum and Dad," said Mia. "Well we can all go together," I said, "We'll get up early in the morning when it's light and be back before dark." Great stuff! Esther didn't seem happy that the 'team meeting' hadn't gone her way but I didn't care. She can f*ck off. A load of old pointless tripe. She just wanted to flex her muscles and let us know she's boss and that she's better than us. Narcissistic Nazi.

So tomorrow it looks like we'll be getting in the car, driving to Parrissa's, meeting her parents and bringing back food and water. God knows why bl**dy Parrissa didn't tell us all this before? Stupid cow. We could have all starved to death and she'd have still kept her mouth shut. Brain dead pillock. Anyway on a more positive note we've got a plan to get much needed supplies. I'm looking forward to tomorrow.