Luke's Diary: An unlucky man in a zombie apocalypse. Days 601 - 756

Day 702: Sunday 29th July 2018

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Day 702
Sunday 29th July 2018

Well I made a complete tw*t of myself again today didn't I!? It wasn't as bad as being covered in Kevin's spunk or me throwing my jizz in Roz's face but it was pretty annoying and it hasn't helped me and Roz build a good relationship.

The unfortunate chain of events started in the morning when a few of us were in the staff area talking about what work needed doing around the zoo. Roz was sat with Richard at the back of the room, clearly avoiding me and giving me dirty looks. I was sat with TJ who, as usual, was getting on my nerves. "Bl**dy Hell, Nanna," he said, "If looks could kill you'd be six feet under." "What do you mean?" I asked. "Zoe Tate, over there," said TJ, "She's got daggers for you." "Yeah well I can kind of understand her not being very happy with me after yesterday," I said. "Yeah I suppose," said TJ, "If I chucked my load all over someone's unsuspecting face I think I'd expect more than a raised eyebrow." "Yeah well I'll wait for the right time and then I'll apologise to her," I said, "It's not like I chucked it all over her on purpose is it?" "I don't know," said a sarcastic TJ, "I reckon you went into the showers to knock one out so you could just come out here and fling in Roz's face." "Get lost," I firmly said, "You know that's not true and hopefully Roz knows it too." "I wouldn't bet in it," said TJ, "Molly the muff muncher probably thinks it's what you had planned all along. You know I shot my load over Lucy Lui, Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz on the set of the first Charlie's Angel's film." "You're full of it," I said. "No, THEY were full of it," said TJ, "It wasn't just me jizzing all over the place. There was Michael Parkinson and Mark Walberg. Those two used to be great mates you know." "TJ, why do you insist on telling such bullsh*t lies?" I asked. "It's not a lie," said TJ, "Parky was really sarcastic about it all and Wahlberg was really weird and moody about it. We called it the Sarky Parky, Narky Marky Bukkake Party," said TJ. "Now I know you're definitely making it up," I said. Before we had chance to continue the pointless and annoying conversation, I suddenly heard a violent obstructing sound. I turned round to see Roz at the other end of the room struggling to breathe and choking on something. "What's up?" I asked Richard. "I don't know," said a dull but slightly panicked Richard, "I think she might be choking to death." "What!?" I loudly exclaimed. TJ and I ran over to the scene feeling eager to do something – well I was eager to do something; TJ was useless. Roz was struggling to breathe and her face was turning red. "My face used to go that colour when Olivia Coleman used her thighs to asphyxiate me as she bounced up and down on my *ck." "I think she's choking on a boiled sweet," said Richard, "I said they were bad for you." "We have to DO something!" I exclaimed. "I don't know what to do," said Richard, "I've never been very good in an emergency. The pressure gets too much." "I know!" I loudly exclaimed, suddenly realising, "The Heimlich Manoeuver."  "That's a film isn't it?" said TJ. "Oh shut up you d*ckhead," I snapped. I walked over to Roz, picked her up out of the chair, stood behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist. I vigorously started to implement the Heimlich Manoeuver and squashing Roz's stomach with my arms in a desperate attempt to get her to cough up something hard. "Ugh it looks like you're trying to bum her," said TJ. Ignoring TJ, I proceeded with the Heimlich Manoeuver and after a few more moments and one final hard compression, Roz spat out the hard boiled sweet and it went flying through the air and across the room. There was a short silence, Roz composed herself and I gave a deep breath as I felt a huge sense of relief. It was still awkward between Roz and I, but she patted me on the arm and said thanks. I nodded in acknowledgement. "Ere Roz," giggled TJ, "I bet that's the first time you've chocked on something hard in your mouth isn't it?" Roz walked off in annoyance. "I chocked on a boiled sweet once," said Richard. Ignoring Richard I told TJ he was a great big stupid man child. "Whatever Nanna," said TJ, "You probably just wanted to play the hero and try a get a good grope grab of her growler." Idiot!