Luke's Diary: An unlucky man in a zombie apocalypse. Days 601 - 756

Day 720: Thursday 16th August 2018

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Day 720
Thursday 16th August 2018

It's been a rather quiet day, which after yesterday's drama and upset has been a pleasant change; however, Alison once again said something to me that has left me pondering.

When I woke up TJ, predictably took the p*ss out of me big time. "Oh here he is," said TJ, "Now where do I start. I've been thinking about what I'm going to say all night. I've got some great material. It's bad enough when a wife leaves her husband because of his hideous personality, terrible ability to go from disaster to another, repulsive appearance, receding hair line and miniscule c*ck, but to leave him and turn lesbian and shack up with a woman who actually looks like more of a bloke then he does. I mean that's just adding lesbian fuel to a very dykey fire." "TJ, I have no interest in anything you have to say," I said, sounding tired. "Well then you won't mind if I go on then will you?" he said, "So when you and Caroline used to watch movies together. What films did you watch? Stuff with Dick Van DYKE in?" "Yep, very funny," I dryly said, "Got any more?" "LOADS!" said TJ, "When you decided to be friends? Did you say 'lezby friends'? Oh I could do this all day. Poor Nanna. You must be feeling pretty sh*t. I mean if a bird I was shagging decided to close her beef curtains and only open them up for a fellow f*nny holder, I think I'd have to kill myself. Don't get me wrong. If she became bi-sexual and I could join in or watch that would be OK, but, if after sex with me, she abandoned the guys to jump on the g*sh, I'd call it a day and do my self in." "TJ, will you shut up?" snapped Tara, "Just ignore him Luke. You know what he's like." "Are you OK babes?" Mike asked me, rubbing my shoulder, "Do you want to talk? Fancy a cuddle? How about a back rub?" "I'm going to take Leo for a stroll," I said.

I went out with Leo and Auntie Meryl, who, I think, had managed to grasp what had gone on yesterday with me, Roz and Caroline. "So she's a lesbian?" said Auntie Meryl. "That's right," I said. "So being a lesbian is someone who likes acting?" "That's a thespian," I said. "Someone who likes books," said Auntie Meryl. "That's a librarian," I said. "Someone who doesn't eat meat?" said Auntie Meryl. "A vegetarian?" I said with a more blunt tone. "Someone who doesn't eat anything from animals?" said Auntie Meryl. "God, that's a vegan," I snapped. "Well what's a lesbivarian?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Jesus Christ!" I loudly said, "That's a word you made up ages ago that means bugger all. A lesbian is someone who has sex with women." "So are you a lesbian?" asked Auntie Meryl, "Mind you, you don't have sex with anyone. Is there a word for that?" "A lesbian is a WOMAN who has sex with women," I said feeling annoyed. "And she's getting married to that other one?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Correct," I said. "But that other one's a boy called Rob," said Auntie Meryl. "No, it's a girl called Roz," I said. "Well it looks like a boy," said Auntie Meryl. "Trust me," I said, "Roz is a girl." "Well two girls can't get married can they?" said Auntie Meryl. "Yes they can," I said. "Well it doesn't make any sense," said Auntie Meryl, "Whose finger does the big ring go on? Who gets to be Mr and who gets to be Mrs? Who throws the bouquet?" "Don't worry about it," I said, "All you need to know is that Caroline is a lesbian and her girlfriend is Roz." "But I don't get it?" said Auntie Meryl, "Did Caroline think you was a girl when she married you?" "No," I exclaimed, starting to get impatient, "She knew I was a man when she married me." "So she's not a lesbian?" said Auntie Meryl. "No," I exclaimed, "She IS a lesbian." Auntie Meryl looked very confused. "So are you a girl?" asked Auntie Meryl. "What are you talking about?" I impatiently asked, "I'm a man. You know I'm a man. I'm your nephew." "So did you used to be a girl?" asked Auntie Meryl. "What the Hell are you talking about?" I exclaimed. "Why would a lesbian marry a man, knowing he's a man?" asked Auntie Meryl, "You can't be a man AND a lesbian at the same time can you?" "Auntie Meryl," I said, "Caroline was not a lesbian when she married me." "Oh," said Auntie Meryl, sounding like she was starting to understand, "She wasn't one then, but she is one now. I see. So who did she get it off then?" "Get it off?" I asked. "Well yes," said Auntie Meryl, "I'm assuming she didn't just fancy a change and toss a coin one day. Or did she?" "Look," I said, "You don't catch being a lesbian and it's not something you just decide to have a go at." "Maybe you should have a go at it," said Auntie Meryl, "You might have more look with women. Your ex-wife is having better luck with the ladies than you are."