Luke's Diary: An unlucky man in a zombie apocalypse. Days 601 - 756

Day 676: Tuesday 3rd July 2018

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Day 676
Tuesday 3rd July 2018

The only thing any of us ever have waiting for us in the end is death. It's the one thing we can all rely on. I know that was the case even before the apocalypse but it's something we're all even more aware of now. One minute you could be here, the next you could be dead. The unexpected arrival of death could be just around the corner . . . For any of us. That's what happened today; the return of familiar faces, some welcome, some not so much, tense confrontations, chaos and then death.

When I woke up I had a chat with Mike and thanked him for bringing Leo and the twins back. He said as far as he was concerned Leo was his nephew and that he wanted to be Uncle Mike. He also produced his Awesome Amazing Action Alex doll and asked me to record something. Rolling my eyes and thinking it was all a bit silly, I did this to please Mike. I recorded "I'm a tough guy and I'm going to kick your arse," "Come and take me on if you feel lucky punk," and when Mike wouldn't stop going on I recorded "I don't care what you say I'm not going to play with your chopper," and "OK, you're getting annoying now. Knock it off."

After I'd spoken to Mike, Esther and I were looking at Leo. He was laid on the bed wriggling around. "I still can't believe he's our son," I said. "I know," said Esther, "It's something I'm still getting my head around myself." I see suddenly got a whiff of something not very nice. "I think his nappy might need changing," I said, "Mike brought some spares. I'll get you one." "Hang on," said a firm Esther, "What do you mean you'll get me one?" "Well you're his Mum," I said. "Yes and you're his Dad," said Esther, "I hope you're not suggesting that changing nappies is women's work." "No!" I loudly snapped. "Well what are you saying?" asked Esther with an arsed tone. "I've never changed a nappy before!" I loudly exclaimed. "Neither have I!" Esther loudly exclaimed. Mike, who was stood in the bedroom doorway was listening and waving an empty nappy around in his hand. "What are you both like?" he said, rolling his eyes, "It's easy. I'll show you." Mike stood between Esther and I and proceeded to change Leo's nappy. When he opened up the nappy the stench was awful and it looked disgusting; like lots of sloppy dark green mud. "Oh God Mike, that's disgusting," I said. "He's right," said Esther, holding her nose, "That's just not right. Should it smell that bad? Should it be that colour?" "Jesus, Mike," I said, "Get on with it will you. It's melting my eyes." "Oh what's wrong with you?" said Mike with a cheery grin, "It's just a bit of poo." Mike scooped up a bit of the dark green matter with his index finger and shoved it under my nose. "UGH!!!!" I loudly said. I jumped back, lost my footing on something and fell over. The problem is that during the fall I fell face first into Leo's poo filled nappy and I also accidentally knocked Esther over who sprained her ankle. "Oh my God!" I yelled, "It stinks. It f*cking stinks! Oh it's disgusting. I'm think I'm going to be sick." I ran over to the little mirror and saw my face caked in smelly thick baby poo. "UGH!!!!"I loudly cried, "It's awful. Get it off, get it off, get it off." "Luke it's only a bit of poo," said Mike with a big smile, "It won't hurt you. Actually it looks like one of those posh face masks celebrities wear." Oh does it?" I flippantly said, "Does it really? Well I'm sorry Mike but I can't share your enthusiasm because I'm not actually wearing a face mask, I'm covered in baby sh*t." "Well it's your son's poo," said Mike. "So!?" I loudly said, "My Auntie Meryl poos but it doesn't mean I want to smother it all over my face. What did I stumble on?" I looked down and saw Mike's chopper and his Awesome Amazing Action Alex doll. Ignoring the chopper I picked up the figure and with angry expression, shoved the figure in Mike's face. "You and this f*cking Awesome Amazing Action Alex doll," I snapped, "Why do you have to leave your toys lying around everywhere. I've got one kid, I don't want two. And move your bl**dy chopper too. I could have really hurt myself." "Excuse me," said Esther, "Who sat on the floor rubbing her ankle, "When you two have finished can you help me up please? I think I've hurt myself." Mike and I helped Esther to her feet. She'd sprained her ankle and was in some pain. "Well thanks for that," she bluntly said, "You two act like a pair of clowns and I sprain my ankle." All of a sudden a loud voice was heard shouting from downstairs. It was Dom. "PEOPLE!" He yelled, "PEOPLE ARE COMING!!!"