Luke's Diary: An unlucky man in a zombie apocalypse. Days 601 - 756

Day 698: Wednesday 25th July 2018

https://www.facebook.com/150585268715788/posts/483714418736203/

Day 698
Wednesday 25th July 2018

We're finally out of that bl**dy horrible smelly toilet but now we're all stuck in the car inside an abandoned barn in the middle of nowhere.

We got out of the grotty disables loo late in the morning. I pressed my ear to the toilet door and carefully listened to see if I could hear any infected. "Can you hear anything?" asked Mia, "Are they still outside? What's going on? What can you hear?" "Some annoying bint moaning in my ear, asking me what can I hear," I bluntly said. "That's weird," said Mia, "Who's that?" "YOU! You daft cow," I exclaimed.

I slowly opened the toilet door and looked outside. The car was exactly where we left it and there were no infected about. I closed the door and returned my attention to the others. "Right," I said, "They've gone but they're probably not far. The car's still there so let's get out of here quickly and quietly and get to this bl**dy zoo." "Shouldn't we check out the truck stop?" said TJ, "There could some supplies there." "There could be infected in there too," I said, "Now let's just get out of here and go get Mike. After three, I'll open the door." "The car door or the toilet door?" asked Mia. "The toilet door," I said. "So do we run on three or open the door on three?" asked Mia. "I'll open the door on three," I said. "So do we run on four?" asked Parrissa. "What?" I exclaimed. "We can't open the door on three AND run on three can we?" said Parrissa. "So do we run on four?" asked TJ. "Oh God it doesn't matter," I annoyingly said. "Well it does," said TJ, "We don't all want to be running around at different times." "Look," I firmly said, "On three I'll open this door and we can run out to the car." "ON three or AFTER three?" asked Mia. "What?" I said. "I'm getting confused," said Mia, "Is it three or four and is it ON three or four?" Jesus Christ," I said as I filled my eyes. "We could open the door on three," said Parrissa, "Leave on three and a half and then run to the car on three and two quarters." "Three and two quarters?" I exclaimed, "What the f*ck are you talking about?" "It's maths Luke," said Parrissa. "It's madness," I said. "If I had a pen I could write this down," said Mia. "F*cking Hell," I snapped, "We don't need to write anything down." "Why don't we use letters instead of numbers," said Parrissa. "F*cks sake," said TJ. He stepped forward, pushed the door open and quickly walked towards the car. The rest of swiftly followed.

We jumped in the car, closed the doors, wound up the windows and fastened our seat belts. There were no infected about so without further ado I started the engine and drove off. "Right then," I said on the journey, "I don't care what happens; I am not leaving this car." "What? Forever?" asked Parrissa. "No, not forever," I snapped, "Just until we get to this zoo." "What zoo?" asked Parrissa. "The zoo that you're directing us to," I exclaimed. "Oh yeah," giggled Parrissa. "What if you need a wee?" asked Mia. "Then I'll sit here and f*cking p*ss myself," I snapped. "What if you need a poo?" asked Parrissa. "Then I'll f*cking sh*t myself," I snapped. "We're used to Nanna's sh*t coming out of his mouth so it might make a nice change to see it coming out of his arse," said TJ. "Can we just get to this zoo without any more dramas," I said.

About two hours later we hadn't arrived at the zoo and we were still driving around. We were now in the middle of nowhere surrounded by moorlands. "Well I'm not a map expert," said TJ, "But it doesn't look like there's a zoo anywhere around here." "For f*cks sake Parrissa," I snapped, "I thought you said you knew where you were going." "I think I might have got a bit lost," said Parrissa. "A BIT lost?" exclaimed TJ, "That's like saying the Titanic was a bit wet. We're miles away from anything." "Do you think we should have turned left where there was that sign for a zoo?" asked Mia. My face dropped, I closed my eyes, bit my tongue and gritted my teeth. I wasn't happy. I gave Mia a stern stare. "You saw a sign for a zoo?" I bluntly said. "Yeah, about an hour and a half ago," said Mia. "Why the f*ck didn't you say anything?" I firmly said. "Well I thought we were following Parrissa," said Mia. "Oh you dozy b*tch," I snapped, "We've been driving around aimlessly like a bunch of pr*cks for ages. Didn't it cross your mind for even a second, that it might be a good idea to say you've seen a sign for a zoo?" "I thought we were following directions from Parrissa!" Mia loudly said. "Well she's f*cking useless isn't she?" I snapped, "I might as well follow directions from my arse hole. Mind you, you're not much better. All the times you open your mouth and such pointless sh*t falls out. The one time we need you to actually say something that's going to be useful, you keep your mouth shut. Christ that Dad of yours has a lot to answer for." "Well I'm sorry," snapped Mia, "But I'm not a navigation expert." "You don't need to be a f*cking navigation expert," I exclaimed, "You need to be able to open your mouth and talk. Right! That's it. I'm not listening to anyone of you pr*cks. I'm driving back to the zoo sign and figuring it out myself you lot are f*cking useless. Mia, give me directions back to the sign." "I thought you said you weren't going to listen to any of us," said Mia. "Just f*cking do it!" I snapped.