Luke's Diary: An unlucky man in a zombie apocalypse. Days 601 - 756

Day 703: Monday 30th July 2018

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Day 703
Monday 30th July 2018

I haven't seen or spoken to Roz today but Naomi did tell me that she managed to convince her that I was talking about the parrot LuLu, yesterday and not her. Phew. However, I'm not totally out of the woods yet. Roz wants an apology but for now she's told Naomi she wants to avoid me and she wants me to avoid her. I did however have an interesting interaction with Kyle today.

I was sat with some of the others outside the old ice-cream kiosk, enjoying the hot weather. I was eating a tin of warmed up hot dogs and Trudy was eating a tin of warmed up beans. "It's been nice to eat something else," said Trudy, "If I keep eating beans like this my farts are going to blow a hole in the mattress." "Jesus Christ," I said, "You have to lower the tone don't you," I said. "Ah, shut up," said Trudy, "We all fart you know. Even you Nanna." "Yes but we don't all feel the need to share such graphic details about our downstairs habits," I said. "Downstairs?" said Mia, "Aren't you allowed to fart upstairs." "He's saying I'm sharing too much information about me farting out of my arsehole," said Trudy. "That's exactly what I'm saying," I said. "It's a bit rich coming from a guy who chucked his spunk in the local lezza's face," said Trudy, "You said sorry to her yet?" Trudy picked a bean out of the can and threw it at my head. "She's told Naomi she wants me to avoid her for now," I said. "Yeah I bet," said Trudy, "If you chucked a load of your spaff all over my face you wouldn't exactly be at the top of my Christmas card list," said Trudy. "Oh are we still doing Christmas cards?" asked Mia. At that point Thomas appeared. "I'm just going to go and clean out the elephant house," he said, "Does anyone want to come and join me?" Silence lingered. None of us were keen. "Did you know that Rotterdam Zoo is in charge of the EEP for the Asian Elephant?" said Thomas, "That stands for The European Endangered Species Programme. Around the world zoos have a network which is called The World Association of Zoos and Aqauaria. They're known as WAZA." "After all that water I had last night I'm going to need a waza soon," said Trudy. "Beneath WAZA you have EAZA," said Thomas, "The European Association, and within EAZA each zoo has a TAG. A Taxonomic advisory Group, and they denote which zoos are best suited to managing the EEPS for specific endangered animals. The EEP zoos handle all the STUD Books from each zoo in Europe that handles their specific animal and they get final say who breeds with who." "My Mum's manager used to tell her who she could and couldn't shag," said Trudy. "Her boss told her who she could have sex with?" I asked. "He was her pimp," said Trudy. "Did you also know the Asian Elephant, known as Elephas Maximus, are the ones who have small ears?" said Thomas, "Females have no tusks, the head sits higher than the African Elephant, known as Loxadonta Africanus, and the back is different shapes and the forehead is naturally dented." "Couldn't give a toss mate," said Trudy. "And the African elephant is the one with large Africa shaped ears," said Thomas, "It's Latin name is Loxodonta Africana and it has two 'finger' like digits on the trunk. The Asian Elephant, known as Elephas Maximus has smaller ears and one digit on the trunk. Going off topic slightly, the lion's Latin name is Panthera Leo, and the Tigers name is Panthera Tigris and did you know . . ." "Oh f*cking shut up!" Trudy loudly said, "No one gives a sh*t about all this animal cr*p. Just p*ss off will you?" Tomas looked a bit upset and slightly told off. He scuttled off towards the elephant enclosure. "Will you stop being nasty with him?" I said to Trudy. "He gets on my t*ts," said Trudy, "I wish he'd stop going on. One of these days we might need to eat those f*cking elephants if the food runs out." Trudy picked a bean out of her tin and threw it at my head. "Trudy, knock it off," I said. "Chill out Nanna," said Trudy, "I'm only having a laugh." "I thought that after all the stuff that's gone on they might have chucked us all out by now," said Mia. "We've got kids with us," I said, "I don't think they'd chuck us out when we've got kids. Maybe they're just giving us the benefit of the doubt." "Oh my Mum had that," said Trudy, "The Social investigated her." "For the benefit of the doubt?" I said, sounding confused. "That's right," said Trudy. "Oh . . . Hang on. No, wait a minute. They investigated her because they doubted that she needed to be on benefits." I rolled my eyes. "Another eye opening insight into Trudy's family life," I sarcastically said. Trudy picked another bean out of her can and threw it at my head. "Ere Mia," she giggled, as she threw yet another at my head, "Look. I'm flicking my bean." Trudy gave a loud laugh. "Yeah, I know," said Mia, sounding confused, "I can see you." "No," giggled Trudy, "You know. Flicking your bean." Mia's confusion increased. "Oh forget it," said Trudy. I could smell something a bit whiffy. "What IS that smell?" I said. "I think it's my clunge," said Mia, "It needs cleaning." "Well get it out and clean it now," I said, "How come it smells that bad. What have you been doing with it?" Mia produced her weapon and started cleaning it. It stank! I know I've made the situation between me and Roz rather uncomfortable but I hope Trudy doesn't make the overall situation worse by constantly having a go at Thomas – even though I do agree that all of these bl**dy animal facts are starting to get annoying."

Later in the day I was taking at walk whilst Auntie Meryl was looking after Leo. I was once again walking past the old ice-cream kiosk when I noticed some smoke emanating from the back of the small hut. I frowned with intrigue and walked over to inspect. I peered round the corner to discover Kyle sat smoking a cigarette. "This again!" I loudly said. Kyle gasped and jumped back. "Sh*t man, you scared me to death, d*ckhead." he said. "Don't use language like that," I said. "What English?" said a sarcastic Kyle. "You know what I mean," I said, "I don't think your Mum would be happy if she saw you smoking." "Well DER, she's not here is she?" said Kyle. "Hang on," I said, "Where did you get a pack of cigarettes?" There was a short silence as Kyle looked a bit guilty. "Oh God, you've been outside again haven't you?" I said, "Jesus Kyle, don't you know how dangerous it is out there?" "I can look after myself," said Kyle." You're fourteen," I said, "You shouldn't have to." "Why do you care Grandad?" snapped Kyle, "Haven't you go your own kid to worry about?" "Why are you so insistent on pushing people away?" I asked. "God," said Kyle, rolling his eyes, "Reverse psychology. That's not going to work." "I don't think you're very happy," I said. Again, Kyle rolled his eyes. "I didn't know you were a trained counsellor," said Kyle. "I'm not a trained counsellor," I said, "But I've spent a lot of time on my own not feeling happy." "Well if you want to be happy it's not usually a good idea to chuck spunk in someone's face," said Kyle. "That was a misunderstanding," I said, "It's all being sorted out." "Whatever Nanna," said Kyle. "Nanna?" I said, "Why are you calling me Nanna, I thought you called me Grandad?" "TJ told me your nickname was Nanna, because you act like an old woman," said Kyle. "Don't listen to anything he says," I firmly said, "He's a bad influence. He tells lots of lies." "He said you'd say that," said Kyle. "It's true," I exclaimed, "You can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He once told me that he was Tom Cruse's stunt double on Mission Impossible and that he had sex with Milla Jovovich on the set of every Resident Evil film. He's full of it." "Is this conversation over now?" asked Kyle. "I'm trying to be nice," I said, "I know what it's like to be surrounded by people but still feel lonely." "What do you mean?" asked Kyle. "I was married you know?" "To a man?" asked Kyle. "No, to a woman," I bluntly said. "Who used to be a man?" asked Kyle. "Look," I firmly said, "I once had a good job – well, an OK job – well, an average job . . . Actually it was a pretty cr*p job, but it was a job and I was a manager. I was surrounded by people and then I'd go home. I'd see my wife, my Auntie Meryl and on the odd occasion when my Mum wasn't having lots of sex with a variety of men I'd see her." "Not exactly the Waltons," said Kyle. "I felt lonely," I said, "I had all these people around me and I still felt lonely. I spent time on my own not talking to anyone and bottling all my feelings up. If I had my time again I wish I'd have talked to people. I wish I'd have talked to my wife. We might still be together." "Well why didn't you talk to her?" asked Kyle. "It's hard for guys to talk about their feelings," I said, "Especially when you're married to cantankerous old dragon who breaths fire rather than oxygen." "You didn't get on?" asked Kyle. "We did in the early days," I said, "But she wanted kids. I didn't. She wanted us to get a bigger and nicer house. I wasn't bothered. She wanted me to get a better paid job. I wasn't bothered. God she used to nag and nag and nag. Sometimes I just wanted to grab her by the neck and violently shake her and tell her to stop bossing me about." "But you've got a kid now?" said a confused Kyle. "Yeah," I said, "It wasn't planned. Funny how things turn out." "Where's your wife now?" asked Kyle. I shrugged. "No idea," I said, "I haven't seen her in years. She's probably dead. The point I'm trying to make is that even though she got on my nerves and even though it often felt like her nagging me and seeing me suffer fed her life force, we were still married and I suppose we still cared about her and I should have told her how I was feeling. You've got people here that care about you. Talk to them." "You didn't talk to your wife so why should I talk to this lot?" asked Kyle. "Learn from my mistakes," I said. "No offence but I'm not taking advice from you," said Kyle, "You're a walking disaster." I'm just trying to help," I said, "If you want to take my advice, then take it. If you don't want to, then that's up to you." I walked off and left Kyle to it. He's only fourteen. He's a cocky little sod but it's not right that he spends so much time on his own, just like it wasn't right when I spent so much time on my own when I was feeling down.

Bed time soon. I'm keen to get this apology to Roz over and done with. The longer I wait the more it's playing on my mind. .  .