Luke's Diary: An unlucky man in a zombie apocalypse. Days 601 - 756

Day 705: Wednesday 1st August 2018

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Day 705
Wednesday 1st August 2018

That's it! I've decided I'm never going to speak again! I'm going to live the rest of my life with my lips sealed and my mouth shut. Why do I never EVER think before I open my mouth!?

In the morning Auntie Meryl and I were walking around the zoo with Leo. "I still can't believe you've got a son," said Auntie Meryl, "I was convinced you were gay. I used to tell you Mum; that boy is as gay as the day is long." Roz then approached us. . . . Well, she actually tried to avoid us but we ended up bumping into her. "Oh look," said Auntie Meryl, looking at Roz, who realised she couldn't avoid us, "Here's another. The gays are everywhere these days aren't they. I don't know if I like this one or not." An angry looking Roz approached us and Auntie Meryl went all two faced. "Morning sweetheart," she said with a big fake smile, "How are you? Are you alright? Did you sleep well?" "Hmmm," said Roz. "Roz, can we have a chat?" I asked. "I've got nothing to say to you," said a blunt Roz. "Do you know," said Auntie Meryl, "I actually used to know a lesbian called Maureen. She lived in Heckmondwike and had a tattoo of a Harley Davidson on her forehead. Was she one of your friends Roz?" "No," Roz bluntly said. "Are you sure?" asked Auntie Meryl. "I think I'd remember someone with a tattoo of a bike on their head," said Roz. "She had red hair," said Auntie Meryl, "Ring any bells now?" "Meryl," said Roz, "Not all lesbians know each other." "Don't they?" said a confused and surprised Auntie Meryl, "Well how do you all keep in touch?" "Not ALL lesbians wants to keep in touch with ALL lesbians," said Roz. "Really?" said a surprised Auntie Meryl, "Well why would you want to be a lesbian?" "I haven't CHOSEN to be a lesbian," said Roz, "I just AM a lesbian." "Well you weren't born a lesbian," said Auntie Meryl, "No one is born a lesbian. It's a job that you have to apply for like anything else. Maureen had been working as a lesbian for fifteen years." "Working as a lesbian?" I said, "What ARE you talking about." "Not lesbian. LIBRARIAN!" exclaimed Auntie Meryl, "Is that something different?" "That's something very different," I bluntly said. I tried to start a conversation with Roz but she wasn't interested.

In the afternoon I tried to apologise to Roz again. The atmosphere was unbearable so I decided to try and do something about it. This time I was determined to get her to listen to me. I saw her sat in the restaurant area with her fellow zoo people. I was doing some errands with Mia so decided enough was enough and to try and sort this out once and for all. "Right I'm going to sort this," I said. I confidently started walking over to the others as a confused Mia followed me.

I approached Roz and the others who were all sat round a table. "Right then?" I firmly said, "Roz can I have a word please?" "I'm busy," she bluntly said. "Look I know you're not happy with me," I said, "But we have to sort this out." "OK, go on," said Roz, bluntly. "Well can we go somewhere and have a chat?" I said. "We can chat right here," said Roz, "Anything you have to say to me you can say in front of the others." Everyone looked at me with an expectant expression on their faces. There was a slight tense pause. It was obvious Roz wasn't going to make this easy for me. "I just want to say that all the awkward stuff that's happened in the last few days has all been a big misunderstanding." "Really?" said a sarcastic Roz. "Yes," I exclaimed, "Just a massive set of unfortunate circumstances." "He's telling the truth," said Mia, interjecting, "He's always getting involved in stuff like this. A few months ago he chucked his poo in someone's face, then jumped on her whilst she was in bed, naked and asleep." I gave a nervous smile as the others looked at me with horror. I grabbed hold of Mia and took her to one side. "What are you doing?" I bluntly and quietly said. "I'm helping," said Mia. "Helping?" I quietly exclaimed, "Helping? You think this is helping? This isn't helping. This is the opposite of helping." "Oh, what do you call the opposite of helping?" asked Mia. "Just stand there and shut up," I bluntly said. I returned my attention to the others. "Roz," I said, "This whole chain of events has been horrible for everyone. I've been trying to think of a way to say sorry for ages now." "I don't believe you," said a firm Roz. "It's true," said Mia, "He was talking to us about it the other day when Trudy was flicking her bean in front of him." "What!?" exclaimed Roz. "No," I said with a nervous smile, "That's not exactly what happened. Mia, shut up!" "You made Trudy flick her bean in front of you?" said a confused and angry Roz, "Mia, were you there?" "Yeah but I wasn't really paying attention," said Mia, "I was thinking about my grubby clunge and how badly it needs a good going over with a wet wipe." I again grabbed Mia and quickly took her to one side. "Everything you're saying is making this worse," I firmly said, "Just shut up." I once again returned my attention to the others. "This is getting out of hand," I said. "You made Trudy pleasure herself in front of you?" exclaimed Roz. "No!" I loudly said. "Well she did seem to be getting a lot of pleasure out of it," said Mia. "Will you f*cking shut up?" I snapped, "Roz, Trudy wasn't flicking her bean. She was flicking multiple beans." "Oh my God you forced her into pleasuring other people in front of you," said a very offended Roz, "What sort of sicko are you?" "No!" I loudly said, starting to get very annoyed, "Will you just listen. No one MADE anyone to do anything." "Oh, so Trudy started pleasuring herself and others in front of you of her own free will did she?" asked Roz. "Yes!" I loudly exclaimed, "I mean no! No, that's not what I mean." "Mia did he make you touch yourself?" asked Roz. "What do you mean?" asked Mia. "Just say no!" I loudly yelled at Mia, "You don't need any more information. Just tell her I didn't make you do anything for f*cks sake!" "Let her speak," Roz firmly said to me, "Mia. Did he make you do anything?" "Well he just made me get my clunge out and give it a bit of a clean," said Mia. "What?" exclaimed Roz, "He made you clean your clunge in front of him!? Mia that's not OK." "Oh it's fine," said Mia, "I'm always whipping out my clunge and giving it a good rub. Luke's seen it all before." "She's on about her weapon!" I loudly exclaimed, "Tell them you're on about your weapon!" "Oh Luke, this doesn't look very good," said Alison, "Maybe if you said sorry it might make everything all better." "I've been TRYING to say sorry," I exclaimed, "This is me trying to say sorry right now." "Well it's not a very good attempt," said Thomas. "That's because I'm being made out to be some sort of sexist cave man," I exclaimed. "I think you are a sexist cave man," said Roz, "You've spied on me in the shower, thrown your cum in my face, called me an annoying bird that needs locking in a cage and then I overhear you saying all that sh*t to Kyle yesterday. What next? You going to throw your sh*t at me." "He's done that before," said Mia. I closed my eyes and gave a deep, frustrated breath. "Mia. Shut up," I bluntly said, "Look Roz, all of that was a misunderstanding. I did stop you from choking remember?" "Yes," said Roz, "And then you said you wish you hadn't have saved me and that next time you'll stand by and watch me choke to death." "I was talking about the f*cking parrot," I exclaimed, "Look, no one was pleasuring themselves or anyone else and no one was MADE to do anything. This is just getting silly now. I can understand that someone like you would get upset." Roz frowned. "Someone like me?" she said, "What do you mean someone like me?" "You know," I said, "A feminist lesbian." "What's that got to do with anything?" asked Roz. "Well you know. . ." I said, starting to feel nervous. "No," said Roz, bluntly, "Explain." "Well I suppose I'm saying it's really horrible for a lesbian to get spunk thrown in her face," I said. "It's horrible for anyone to get spunk thrown in their face," said Thomas. "Exactly," said Roz, "Are you saying it's bad for me because I'm a lesbian?" "I'm just saying I don't usually mix with people like you so I sometimes say the wrong thing," I said. "People like me?" exclaimed Roz. "I don't mean that in a bad way," I said. "What way do you mean it?" asked a firm Roz. "Oh I don't know," I said, "I'm tripping over my words." "Look," said an assertive Roz, "I've heard enough. If this is meant to be an apology I think it's the worst one in the world. I still haven't heard the word 'sorry'. Your treatment of me has been appalling and I think it's time you and your people left." This really worried me. "No!" I said with urgency, "Please. You can't do that. We've got three kids with us. We need this place. Look I am sorry. I'm REALLY sorry. I've behaved like an absolute idiot. I swear on my son's life that everything that's happened over the last few days has been a big mistake. It's all my fault. I'm totally sorry but you have to believe me; I never intended to cause any harm, upset or embarrassment. These things just seem to keep happening to me. Please. Don't punish the others because of me. Don't punish the kids because of me. Don't punish my son because of me. Let us stay." My speech had managed to work. Roz looked at the others with an uncertain but defeated sympathetic expression. "We'll think about it," she said.