Luke's Diary: An unlucky man in a zombie apocalypse. Days 601 - 756

Day 755: Thursday 20th September 2018

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Day 755
Thursday 20th September 2018

What a day! I'm sat in bed now feeling absolutely exhausted. After what TJ got up to this morning, I have no idea how I've stopped myself from strangling him to death, and what with Mia and Trudy getting on my nerves this morning. Mike's behaviour really starting to worry and my p*ss me off and all of us worried with ACROBAT hanging over our heads, I'm surprised I'm not in a worse mood.

The day started on a rather positive note. I woke up in my comfortable bed after a lovely night's sleep, picked Leo up out of his cot, give him a cuddle and got him ready for the day. It was like a nice, normal morning without any need of thinking of the death and destruction going on in the world above.

With Leo in my arms I exited my bedroom, walked down my corridor and entered the large communal kitchen. A few of the others were sat around the table drinking tea and eating cereal. "Morning," I said, with a smile on my face, "Well this is nice isn't it?" "Yeah," said Mia, "Look. Milk. Actual cold milk." "Mia, we all had cold milk in Feemh Oak." "Yeah but this is different," said Mia, "It's like real milk." "Mia, the milk you had in Feemh Oak was real," said Ash, "Remember what you've been told. We've been preparing for the outbreak." "What do you mean?" asked Mia. "Well we weren't just busy collecting you lot," said Ash, "We were gathering other resources too; pigs for bacon and pork, trees for various types of fruit, a wide range of seeds so we can grow cotton and other essential materials and cows for fresh milk and cheese." "Yeah but those cows aren't going to live forever are they?" said Mia, "Or are they!? Have you done something to make them live forever? Oh, wouldn't it be lovely if cows could live forever?" "We clone the cows," said Ash, "They're not a hundred percent cow, just like the clones of you aren't a hundred percent Mia, but they're near enough." I sat down next to Naomi and we exchanged warm smiles. "Did you sleep OK?" Naomi asked me with a slightly flirty smile. "I did," I cheerfully said, reciprocating Naomi's smile with a beaming grin, "I went to bed happy and woke up happy." "I think that means he had a w*nk before he went to sleep and just now when he got up," said Trudy. "Oh shut up," I bluntly said. I frowned with confusion as I suddenly got a whiff of something quite disgusting. "Bl**dy Hell," I said, "What's that smell?" "Oh that'll be my p*ss," said a blunt Trudy. A short silence lingered where I stared at Trudy, feeling confused and with no idea what she was talking about. "Sorry. What?" I bluntly asked. "My p*ss," said Trudy. She stood up and produced a bucket from under the table containing her smelly urine and plonked it on the table. "UGH!!!!" I loudly exclaimed, "Get your p*ss off the table you dirty cow! Some of us are eating!" "Oi," said Trudy, "I'm immune to the virus, remember? My p*ss could save the world." "Your p*ss could save the contents of my stomach from being thrown up on the table if you move that bucket out of the way," I bluntly said, "There's a fully functioning toilet through there. What you doing p*ssing in a bucket you dirty b*tch?" "Well I'm sorry," said a blunt Trudy, "But old habits die hard. I'm so used to p*ssing in a bucket because there's been so many places we've ended up in don't have working bogs." "Just get it off the table," I bluntly said. Trudy picked up the bucket and slammed it down in a strop next to the sink behind us. The strained atmosphere lingered silently for a moment. "I p*ssed myself once," Richard said in a glum tone. "Oh God, will you shut up?" I bluntly snapped. "Oh shut up Nanna," snapped Trudy, "We've all p*ssed ourselves at some point. Even you must have felt a warm trickle rub down your leg every now and then." "I don't bring my f*cking p*ss to the breakfast table when we're all eating our Kellogg's CoCo Pops." "I think these are cornflakes," said Mia. "I can't eat CoCo Pops," said Richard, "They give me indigestion. Actually, I can't eat cornflakes because they get stuck on my teeth and make my gums bleed." "I'll make your f*cking nose bleed if you don't shut up," snapped Trudy. I popped Leo on the floor, returned to the table, reached for an empty bowl, filled it with cornflakes, poured some milk over them and started eating my cereal. "Look at Leo," said Mia, "He's so cut. How old is he now? Eighteen months?" "No," I exclaimed, "He's not that old." "Is eighteen months like two years?" asked Mia. "No!" I annoyingly exclaimed, "How the f*ck can eighteen months be like two years?" "Luke, your hair's growing," said Trudy. "Yeah," I bluntly said, "Hair tends to do that." "You should get it cut," said Trudy. "Yeah well I might shave some of it off," I said. "Someone tried to shave my cat once," said Mia, "It came back with a bald stomach." "I don't like shaving, it makes me itch," said a dull sounding Richard. "My friend at school had itchy hair," said Mia, "Haemorrhoids." "What? She had piles too?" said Trudy. "No, that was her name," said Mia, "Emma Royds. I always wondered why people used to pick on her. I used to hang around with their family all the time when I was a kid." "I used to hang around with my mates Mum and Dad when my Dad was being a pr*ck," said Trudy, "I loved going round to their house and plating on their Sega. My mate had really long hair and I used to plat it for her and her brother would show us how to nick sweets from the shop without getting caught. It was great. He was my brother from another mother and she was my sister from another mister." "What were you then?" I bluntly said, "Slapper from another papa." "You f*cking what?" snapped Trudy. "Please, let's not fight" said Naomi. "I'll drown your f*cking head in those b*stards cornflakes," snapped Trudy. "In two inches of milk?" I said, "That'll be a job."  "Let's talk about something nice," said Naomi. "Good idea," I said, taking a mouthful of milk and cornflakes, "What shall we talk about?" "Fisting," said Mia. My eyes widened and I spat my cornflakes out in horror. "Ugh you dirty b*stard," snapped Trudy, "You have a go at me for keeping my p*ss under the table but it's alright for you to gob your breakfast all over the place." "Sorry," I said in shock, looking at Mia with absolute horror on my face, "Did you say fisting?" "Yeah," said Mia, "What's wrong with that?" "Well it's not something I think we should talk about over breakfast," I exclaimed, "I mean, do you actually know what fisting is?" "Of course I do," exclaimed Mia, "I'm not stupid. I just wondered what the best way was to get fisted and give a good fisting?" "Jesus Christ," I exclaimed. "My old boyfriend tried to fist me once," said Trudy. "What happened?" asked Mia. "Well I told him I wasn't having any of it," said a firm Trudy, "I wasn't going to let his fist come anywhere near me." "Good for you Trudy," said Mia, "Did he have big hands?" "Not half," said Trudy, "It was like getting into bed with the BFG. If he'd have fisted me he would have probably killed me." "My boyfriend told me he wanted to fist me once," said Mia, "But I told him straight. If you fist me, I'll fist you. The weird thing was that he seemed up for it. I never understood why he wanted to be in a relationship where both people beat each other up." Naomi leaned over to me and gently put her hand on my knee. "I think she means punching," Naomi quietly said. I suddenly felt very relieved. "You're on about punching," I exclaimed to Mia. "Yeah," said Mia, "Punching. Fisting. It's the same thing isn't it?" "No it's not the same bl**dy thing," I exclaimed, "They're two very different things." "Well what's the difference between punching and fisting?" Silence fell and everyone sat round the table looked at me with a humorous but expectant stare. I suddenly felt very put-on-the-spot. "Err.... Well....," I nervously stuttered, "Fisting usually involves a man, taking his fist and.... you know. Doing stuff to a woman." "Eh?" said a confused Mia. I started mimicking the act of fisting by inserting my fist and lower right arm through the hole I'd made with my thumb and index finger of my left hand, twisting it back and forth in a repetitive motion. "There," I said, trying to explain things to Mia, "That bit's the man and that bit's the woman. Do you get it now?" Mia looked confused, as if she had no idea what I was talking about. As I continued my mimicking of fisting I noticed Roz, stood to the side of me with a disapproving look on her face. I suddenly stopped my action and returned to my cereal. "You're disgusting," said an appalled Roz, "Women are not just sexual toys for you to objectify." I continued eating my cereal and gave Mia an angry stare as Trudy and Naomi tried to hide their laughter. Mia stood up and walked over to the sink where she started washing up some mugs. "Oh Luke, you always manage to get yourself into some sort of embarrassing situation," said Naomi, "It's amazing." "Oh yeah," I said, rolling my eyes, "Really amazing. Making a tw*t of myself, looking at a bucket of p*ss, giving fisting demonstrations. Wa-hoo, I'm on fire!" All of a sudden I felt my head, back and shoulders being engulfed in a wet and warm sensation. Mia had quickly thrown Trudy's bucket of smelly p*ss over me. "WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU DOING!?" I loudly yelled at Mia, standing up from my chair, dripping in Trudy's urine. "You said you were on fire," said an innocent sounding Mia. "IT'S A SAYING, YOU STUPID COW!" I loudly snapped. "Well I thought you were on fire," exclaimed Mia. "Fire!?" I exclaimed, "Where's the f*cking fire!? Do you see any fire? Do you see any smoke or flames ANYWHERE?!" "I just wanted to put you out," said Mia. "I'll put you out, you stupid cow," I snapped at Mia, "Oh Jesus Trudy, this absolutely stinks. What he f*ck have you been eating?" "Oh I'm very sorry," Trudy sarcastically said, "But we can't all have sweet smelling p*ss like you." Roz returned to the table with a glass of orange juice in her hand and looked at me like I was some sort of weirdo. "WHAT, are you doing?" she bluntly asked. "Don't ask me!?" I loudly exclaimed, pointing at Trudy and Mia, "Ask these two daft b*stards. One of them keeps their p*ss under the table and the other thinks it's OK to chuck it all over me." "Luke, just go clean yourself up," said Roz. "Oh really?" I sarcastically said with a blunt tone, "I was thinking of just standing here for a while, dripping in Trudy's p*ss and smelling like some old man's public toilet." "Oi, my pee doesn't smell of old men," snapped Trudy.  "Luke, just go sort yourself out!" Roz angrily snapped, "It's going all over the floor." "Yeah alright!" I loudly snapped. With Trudy's smelly p*ss running down my face, trickling past my lips and dripping off my nose, I turned round in a mood, exited the living area, walked into the corridor and approached the bathroom. I turned the handle, opened the door, walked into the room and my face immediately became consumed in shock and horror upon seeing the sight before.  TJ had my Mum bent over the toilet with her knickers around her ankles and her t*ts bouncing off the side of the cistern shagging her from behind. They both looked slightly shocked to see me but they were nowhere near as shocked as I was. "AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!" I screamed in horror.