Luke's Diary: An unlucky man in a zombie apocalypse. Days 601 - 756

Day 721: Friday 17th August 2018

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Day 721
Friday 17th August 2018

OH. MY. GOD! Finding out my ex-wife was here was a shock; finding out she was a lesbian and going out with Roz was a shock, but today I have had the MOTHER of all shocks. I don't know if my heart can take any more of this.

The day was going along quite predictably; TJ making lesbian jokes, Trudy describing her bowl movements, Auntie Meryl thinking Harold Wilson was still prime minister and Mia asking why Curries is called Curries if they don't actually sell curries and why Boots is called Boots if they don't actually sell boots. Give me strength!

Everyone was getting on my nerves so I gave Leo to Auntie Meryl and went for a walk on my own. I ended up bumping into Mike who was sat on a bench overlooking the dried up pond and trying to sharpening his weapon. "Alright?" I said, "What you doing?" "Sorting out my chopper," said Mike. I sat next to him and started talking about all the recent goings on. "I had to get out of that place," I said, "They were starting to do my head." "Everyone seems to do your head in," said Mike. "I know," I bluntly said, "It's like I'm being tortured. The drama of the last few days hasn't helped." "If Caroline hadn't have turned out to be a big lesbian and she'd have ended up taking you back; would you have really got back together with her?" asked Mike. "Oh don't worry about it, Mike," I said, "Like I told Caroline that was a moment of madness." "Yeah but if she'd have taken you back, would you have actually gone back to her? Like, would you be together as a couple now?" "Well I suppose if she'd have said yes, then yeah, I guess I would have gone back to her," I said, "But it wouldn't have lasted. I wasn't thinking properly. Me and Caroline would never have worked. I don't know what was going through my mind." I noticed Mike looked a bit sad. "What's up?" I asked, "Why are you asking all this?" "I sometimes think there isn't a place for me anymore," said Mike, "You've got Leo, Naomi's got Sophie, Trudy and TJ have got Primark. Not sure where I fit in?" "Of course you fit in," I said, "You're Primark's Uncle and you're like an uncle to Leo. Where's all this coming from?" "I just feel left out," said Mike, "Ever since you got Leo; you've hardly spoken to me. Don't you want to be my friend anymore?" "Of course I want to be your friend," I said, trying to reassure Mike, "I just have to spend time with Leo. He's only a baby, Mike. He needs looking after." "Yeah but you need looking after too," said Mike, "I used to look after you all the time. Now we hardly talk to each other. It's like you hate me." "Oh Mike come on," I said, "I don't hate you, now you're being stupid." Mike turned and gave me a tense look. "I'm not stupid," he said in a tense tone. "Yeah, OK," I said, "Sorry. I know you're not stupid, but you don't need to think like this. When you have a baby you have to manage your time differently." "I sometimes think it's better if you never found out Leo was your son and then we could still spend lots of time together," said Mike, "I suppose I get jealous." "Mike, don't say that," I calmly but assertively said, "Leo is my son and I love him but it doesn't mean there's no room for you. It just means we have to manage our times differently." "That baby gets more attention than me," said Mike, sounding sulky. "Oh Mike, for God's sake," I said, getting annoyed, "Of course he gets more attention than you. He's a baby, you're not." "So you still want to be my friend?" asked Mike. "I AM your friend," I exclaimed, "Stop being silly. We've got enough on our plate; what with us trying to keep secret that Trudy's immune to the infection and that the organisation that created the virus are hunting us down, and that's before we even start on my b*tch of an ex-wife here Caroline." I heard a gasp. Mike and I turned round to see Kyle stood right behind us. He's heard everything. I suddenly panicked as my body became flooded with adrenaline. SH*T! I thought to myself. "OH my f*cking God," said Kyle. Mike and I slowly stood up as we maintained eye contact with Kyle. "OK," I slowly said, "Kyle. Don't freak out. We can talk about this." Kyle gave me an angry stare and stuck his middle finger up at me. "You're a prick!" he angrily snapped. He then quickly turned round, jumped on his skateboard and started zooming off into the distance. As quick as a flash I leapt into action and started running after Kyle with Mike not too far behind me.