idontwannabeyouanymore {B.Barnes}

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by trashm0uth-h

by trashm0uth-h

-TW: CUTTING, MURDER AND DEPRESSION-

It all started with one cut. It was accidental, really. You smashed the glass and you picked it up the wrong way and it cut your hand. It felt like a relief. It was a relief from the lifetime of pain you cause families and friends of pain from the time you were at HYDRA. When you were rescued, Bucky made sure that you knew that whatever you did under HYDRA, was not your fault. But no matter how many times he told you, you could never get your head around it. You thought the nightmares were bad, but then when your memories slowly started coming back, you weren't prepared for the guilt that would start eating you alive. So when you opened that cabinet in your bathroom to look for the painkillers that Steve was looking for. But all that you were faced with was a white box with one word plastered on it.

Razors

Silence. It's the silence you can here. You sit crouched in the stuffy closet, your weapon clutched tightly in your grip. The serum in your veins had enhanced your senses, so your vision was clear, even in the pitch black. The door leading into the room opens and light from the hallway floods into the room. You watch as a man enters the room, his phone held up to his ear.

"Yes Director Fury, the plans for the New Avengers Initiative are safe" He says. You watch intensely as he rummages through his cabinets, searching for the plans. When he finds them he places them on the table beside his bed, you note that in your head. You manage to move your arms up and aim your weapon at him, the small pistol creating a clunking sound. "Yes Director I underst-" He pauses. He wearily walks over to the closet, and he swings the door open. You stand up to your full height and right hook him, sending him to the floor. You get out of the closet and stand over him. "Please! Please, I'll give you anything!" He begs. You aim your gun at his head.

"What I want, you've already given me," You say, no emotion distinct in your voice. You pull the trigger and send a bullet into his head. You grab the manilla folder and get your gear ready to leave. Before you can climb out of the window, you hear a little gasp. You turn around and see a little girl, around the age of two years old.

"Dada?" She says to the lifeless body of her father. She waddles over to you. "Dada!" She cries. You furrow your eyebrows, not sure how to deal with the situation. "Wakes up dada!" She cries. She starts hitting your leg with her tiny fists. You pick her up by the collar and she starts wailing. You turn her around and wrap your arm around her neck. She stops trying to kick her way out and she falls limp in your arms.

You wake up with a blood-curdling scream, tears running down your face. Your dad busts into your room, a weapon in his hand. He hides it when he sees you have a death grip on your pillow and you're hyperventilating.

"Y/N, look at me. You're okay, I promise" He says. He takes your hand and gives it a light squeeze. You're thankful you decided to sleep in a hoodie, otherwise, you could be having a completely different conversation right now. You take a few deep breaths. "What happened this time?" He asks you. You swing your legs over the bed.

"I don't want to talk about it" You say. Bucky sighs as he sits on the edge of the bed.

"Maybe you should talk about this, Y/N. It always helped me when I would have stuff like this" He suggests. You shake your head and roll your eyes and you walk over to the bathroom door.

"I'll pass, but thanks for the offer anyway dad." You say, walking into the bathroom. You pull the cabinet door open and grab the small white box that you've called your best friend for the past month or so. You open it and pull out the small blade, giving it a little twirl between your fingers. You hold back tears as you remember the feeling of the little girl falling limp in your arms. You move the sleeve of the hoodie down and look down at the cuts and scars littering your arm. Some new scars, some old. You often find yourself cutting over and over again because of the serum in your system. It heals your wounds quicker. You drag the blade across your arm. You clench your teeth, but you feel the buzz you were so desperately begging for. It's almost like an addiction. You cut over and over, and over and over. Until you cut too deep. That's when you freeze. A droplet of blood splashes onto the floor and your breath catches in the back of your throat. You hold onto the wall for support and stumble out into your room. You make eye contact with your dad and he stands up from your bed. "D-Dad? I-I don't feel good" You say, your skin paling. Bucky walks towards you with his arms out, ready to catch you in the likely case that you'll pass out. Your eyes roll into the back of your head and you pass out, Bucky rushing towards you to catch you before you hit the floor.

"Y/N?" He says, hitting your face lightly. He looks down at your arm and his heart nearly stops then and there. He looks down at them in shock as blood pours from the wounds. "Y/N! No no no no no!" He says. He moves you so you're laying more comfortably and he runs through the halls of the compound, the only light being that of the rising sun, the light reds and oranges mixing together. He runs to the med bay, where he sees Bruce slumped against his desk, his eyes closed. "Bruce! Bruce, please wake the hell up" Bucky pleads. Bruce jumps awake and he looks over to Bucky, whose shirt is now stained red from your blood.

"Oh my God, what the hell happened to her?" Bruce says, getting up from his desk and walking towards Bucky.

"S-she's been cutting her wrists and she went too far tonight. Please help her Bruce" Bucky says. Bruce takes you from Bucky's arms. He lays you on a table and attaches you up to machines and an IV Drip. "Is she okay?"

"She needs blood, do you know her blood type?" Bruce asks Bucky.

"She's the same as me," Bucky says. Bruce says nothing, but he grabs Bucky's right arm and drags him over, hooking a needle that'll carry blood from his body into yours.

Your eyes squint as you open them. You look to the left and see your dad passed out in one of the chairs of the med bay. He looks pale, almost like he's lost blood. You try to move, but the wires bringing fluid into your body restrict you from moving any further than sitting up.

"Dad?" You say, your voice quiet. "Dad!" You say again, this time more audible. He jolts awake in surprise. He groans as he sits up.

"Holy shit, Y/n you're awake," He says, a smile gracing his features. "You scared me doll, I didn't think you'd wake up" He continues, his voice breaking at the thought of you dead.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think that I'd cut that deep." You say, avoiding making eye contact with your dad. Bucky slides the chair over to nearer the bed.

"Why? Is someone telling you to do this? Is someone hurting you?" He asks you. You nod your head. "Who? Who's hurting you Y/N?" You look up at him, tears in your eyes.

"Me." You say. Bucky frowns. "Everything I did is out there, and everyone thinks I'm a monster. You shouldn't have brought me back from HYDRA, you should have left me for dead just like they had planned. I don't deserve to live if I killed so many people." You finish. Bucky gulps and shakes his head. He grabs your hand gently.

"Y/N, please. Please never, ever think that you're a monster. I know it's hard. believe me, I know how hard it is. But you can talk to me. I will never regret saving you from HYDRA, you're my daughter and no matter what you've done in the past, I will always love you. Even if no one else does." He says.

"You promise?" You ask him. He smiles and nods, letting go of your hand and holding up his pinky.

"Pinky," He says. You lift up your pinky finger and link it with his. "Don't fall asleep, you've been out for 2 days already." He says. Your mouth drops open.

"Oh shit, really?" You don't mean to sound so casual. "Wait, fuck! I missed Supernatural." You whine, crossing your arms and pouting.

"That's where you're wrong. I recorded it for you" He says.

"That's the real reason you're a superhero"