A Little Bit Of Something (On-Going)

#14

(Cace)

Kakauwi ko lang galing Malaysia for a four-day seminar about hotel management. Nasa labas nga ako ng bansa nang tadtarin ako ng messages sa social media accounts ko kaya napilitan ako'ng mag-private. Wala ako'ng sapat na pasensya para sumagot o mag-explain. I find it annoying, lalo na't ginawa lang naman namin ni Jonnie 'yun to help Sica. It was for pure entertainment, it was for fun. I just didn't realize it would blow up like this.

   Now, I got messages from my ex's friends, accusing me of having a third party. Kaya daw ba kami naghiwalay dahil lang sa may iba na ako'ng nakita? I told them it's not true and I will never cheat myself out of a relationship.

     "You're always out of touch. Always so serious. And I got suffocated, with the depth, with the silence. I just always feel like I cannot talk to you."

   Almost four months after the break up and I'm still haunted with Phoebe's words. She's a great girl, she tried hard to fight for our relationship. Siguro hindi nalang din niya nakaya kasi kahit na ano'ng effort niya, wala pa rin'g nagbabago. Maybe I really did make her feel that she's alone, and I know the main reason why we broke up was because of me and how I handled our relationship.

   What I want to do now is to get to know about myself and improve, eliminate all my toxic traits and learn how to take care of the people I love. I should learn how to be more open about my thoughts and be as vocal as I could. Dahil mukha'ng sa parte'ng 'yun ako palagi'ng nagkakamali, kaya siguro hindi nagtatagal ang mga past relationships ko maliban nang kay Phoebe. And I couldn't help but feel sorry for her, she had to endure my traits for a long period of time.

   Tama si Jonnie, I should better myself first. I should stop seeking love from other people and not having any idea on how to cultivate it. At bago ako maghanap nang pagmamahal sa iba, kinakailangan ko muna'ng kilalanin at matutunan'g mahalin ang sarili ko.

     "Naghahanap ang kaibigan ng girlfriend ko nang kausap. Gusto mo ipakilala kita?" Gary, a civil engineer; naka-assign siya sa water and sewage facilities ng Hotel de Romero. Nasa iisa lang kami'ng department, at madalas magkapareho ang shift namin. So you could say we're pretty close.

     "Sa iba mo nalang ipakilala."

     "Usap lang naman, sir."

     "Wala ako'ng oras."

     "Bakit, chief? Ah, dahil ba ron sa kaibigan mo? Jo...Jonnie ba 'yun?"

     "She's a friend. Hindi rin kami talo nun."

     "Sabagay, ang tagal niyo na nga rin'g magkaibigan. Kung magkaka-something man, sana noon pa diba?"

     "Whether it be Jonnie or your girlfriend's friend, hindi pa rin ang sagot ko. I have better things to do right now than flirt around."

     "Hindi ka pa rin nakakamove-on kay Phoebe noh? Masyado ba'ng malalim ang sugat?"

     "Kung ano man ang nangyari sa'min ni Phoebe, tapos na 'yun. Nakalaya na siya at ang mahalaga ay masaya siya."

   Gary deep sighed. By the looks of it, he's sympathizing.

     "Alam ko ang ganyan'g pakiramdam, makakaget-over ka rin, chief."

   And this is the part where I think why most of the people misunderstood me. Pwede ko'ng sabihin sa kanya ang totoo'ng rason ng break up namin ng ex ko. Pwede ko rin'g sabihin ang dahilan kung bakit ayaw ko pa'ng magkaroon nang panibago'ng relasyon. I could clear everything if I want to.

   Pero ayoko.

   Dahil hirap ako'ng ipagkatiwala sa iba'ng tao ang mga bagay na nasa isip ko. And I guess it's one of my flaws, hindi ako komportable na maging ganoon ka open sa mga tao sa paligid ko.