CAPTURED UNWILLINGLY BY HEART Season 1

Chapter 79

Zen's POV

Find a small thing that makes you happy and work your way forward from there. Tiny changes. Everything will start to fall back into place if you can gradually work your way up. If you need assistance, ask for it, and lean on others if you want to. People probably want you to be happy because they care about you. When you're feeling down, allow yourself to be cradled by another person.

I have no idea how love works. You've done so much to hurt me, and yet I'm still the most "in love" person I know.

The pain you cause me pierces my chest, and my love for you continues to grow at an alarming rate in my heart. What makes you think that's humanly possible? How is it possible that the person who brings me the most joy in life is also the one who causes me so much pain, and why wasn't I taught that love is so painful?

It's that it takes hurting and almost losing someone you care about to bring them closer to you, and it's heartbreaking, but real. Even though my love for you is undeniable, it took you hurting me and me contemplating leaving to realize that you need me just as much as I need you, and I'm perplexed.

The sadness you cause me is the equivalent of breaking all of my bones, and I can't bring myself to say I love you less because it's not true. I want to push you away as much as I want to pull you in and cry into your neck as your hands wrap around my back. I hate you as much as I love you right now, and my heart and mind are racing.

Loving you this much while hating you furiously for hurting me is one of the most difficult feelings I've ever felt because there is no way to sort things out when your mind is this jumbled.

It's perhaps because the world is in grayscale when you're going through a traumatic event or grieving. Some days are brighter than others, but it's always drab. You're always carrying a heavy burden on your shoulders. I'm not sure when I relinquished control to the darkness, but I know I wouldn't want that to win.

I make every effort to be strong. To put on a brave face in front of others. Even when someone hurts me, I manage to ignore the pain and try to keep moving forward. And, at the end of the day, that's what I want to be remembered for-showing strength and compassion even when my heart is tired.

I don't always know how to deal with the challenges that life can throw at me. I try to keep everything in its proper place, but one of the pieces always seems to fall out of place. When I'm reminded of something I've lost, it's easy for me to get caught up in it. I'm back on the floor, trembling, and my heart feels like it's breaking again and again. That's fine, though. I believe I'm beginning to realize that I need to break in order to be whole again. I need to give myself permission to feel like myself again. I think I'm finally ready to snap.

I'm starting to realize that it's okay for me to be unhappy. That I should never apologize for crying or for expressing my feelings. When I need to be weak, I am allowed to be weak. I am a human being, and no one expects me to be cheerful all of the time. Perhaps things would deteriorate, perhaps even become more serious. But, now that I think about it, that's fine. It may knock me down, but I'll get right back up. I'll wake up and realize that my heart is capable of enduring anything. It's fine to take your time with something. It's fine to give yourself permission to take some time to heal. It's perfectly acceptable to cry when you see something that reminds you of someone who is no longer in your life.

When I'm feeling overwhelmed, I try to push myself to do more, move faster, and keep pushing. I'm always under the impression that I have a million things to do and that if I don't, I'm letting everyone down. So, even though I know I should rest, I fight through mental and physical exhaustion. I'm attempting to relax, take a step back, and worry about myself as well. It's fine for me to say no to people when I've reached my limit and need to prioritize myself. It's fine if every now and then I need a mental health day. It's fine to reflect on your sadness and losses for a few moments. You can't deny yourself your emotions indefinitely. You can't tell your heart what's going on beneath the surface, what's breaking you. That will only lead to self-destruction and failure.