The Mess We've Made | Minsung

chapter twenty-four

"Okay, it's been a week. How do we feel about Dylan?" I asked everyone, clapping my hands together.

"I don't know, I still get vibes," Avalon said.  "I made that joke about him being one of us but he's still...yeah. I don't know."

"I don't know how I feel about him either," Kimk shrugged. "He's nice and now that he's shown his actual personality we all appreciate him more but I know we pick up on the same weird vibe."

"We most definitely do," Nelson said. "I want to like him but he's yet to give me a reason."

"He acts like a normal person now but he still sucks up to Han, it's weird. I don't know why he won't just let it go," Niyah said.

"The way he sucks up to you is weird considering how far back we go," Veronica said to me.

"His job here is secure. He's fantastic. I just fucking hate talking to the guy when he's all over me," I said, then laughing. "God that sounds so horrific but I am just so tired of it. I'm not anyone's superior."

"Well..." Avalon trailed off.

"I mean I am but it doesn't feel like that," I said.

"Whenever we sit here and hang out in the burnout room I'm always scared you're going to make comments in evals about how we just sit here," Veronica said.

"Are we not all burnt out?" I asked.

"Everyone is but her," Nelson said, pointing at Veronica.

"Yeah, we're all mentally drained as fuck," Avalon said to Veronica. "He's not overworking us or anything but what the five of us all have in common is that we get overwhelmed very easily and it drains us easily. We come here to relax and take a break."

"Meow." Veronica remarked in response. 

"I don't mind that you come here, Vee, but she's right. We all have shit going on. Look around, we're not the only people here. We could be in one of the break rooms but we're not," I said to her.

"I've purposefully dissociated myself from any  negative emotion I could possibly feel. It's manifested itself into numbness. I can't feel anything and yet everything hurts all of the time. There's a void inside of me that's aching to be filled but I don't know what by," Veronica admitted. "I think I have a vague idea of what might begin the recovery process but I'm scared of what that's going to feel like. I've been stuck like this for years. I force the state I'm in to protect myself but all it's done is hurt me. I've always pushed my feelings down but when something really bad happened to me, I fully dissociated. Everything about me is fake except the things I say. And, yet, I think I'd rather be in pain by my own hand than by the hands of the person who forced me to do this to myself in the first place."

"Oh, wow," Niyah mumbled.

"Your vulnerability is truly beautiful," Kimi said to her.

"Nobody's gonna ask what happened to you but if there's a place to share it and the right people to share it to, it's here," Nelson said.

"No pressure, obvi," Avalon said. "We just want you to feel like you can be yourself with us."

"Han already knows about it," Veronica took a deep breath. "It's by far the worst thing that's ever happened to me. If it wasn't me it would've been him so I think I prefer it this way."

"I have no idea where this could possibly be going but I have a horrible feeling," Kimi admitted.

"Nobody here is easily triggered, right? That's not a bad thing but I have to ask before I say it," Veronica asked.