The Mess We've Made | Minsung

chapter one-hundred one

"Han?"

I threw myself into his arms, "Felix, oh my god. You're here."

Felix hugged me back hesitantly, "You don't want to hug me, I'm sick."

"I don't fucking care."

Hearing this, Felix hugged me tighter, "I've missed you so much. I'm so sorry about what I did. I get why you lied about forgiving me."

"I don't care about that right now," I shook my head. "I just need my best friend."

"I love you so much, Han," Felix pat the back of my head as he hugged me. "I can't believe I did that."

"I love you too, Felix," I rocked us back and forth. "You're the only person that's gonna understand. I don't know what got into you when I first told you about this but I don't even fucking care right now."

"I was jealous," Felix pulled away from me, still holding me in his arms. "I was jealous because your life is so much more interesting than mine. It's fucking stupid, but-,"

I blinked a few times, "Are you an idiot?"

"Yes-,"

"No, honestly, are you an idiot?" I asked him.

"I don't know what I was thinking. I was just going through some shit and I was bitter about the way my life is going. It's boring and yours isn't. I wanted to downplay your shit to make myself feel better."

"Why? You have a great job, you're gonna buy a house with your boyfriend, and you have other friends. Your life is amazing."

"What do you want me to say right now? That I'm not grateful? You're right, I'm not. I want more. I want the life I was supposed to have."

"Is this about gymnastics?" I asked.

"Of course it's about fucking gymnastics," Felix huffed.

"Oh my god," I put my face in my hands. "You've got to be fucking kidding me right now."

"We were supposed to be in this "fame" thing together."

"You told me that you'd accepted that it'd just be me!"

"I lied! Okay? I lied! Are you happy!?" Felix shouted at me.

I slammed his apartment door shut and walked inside, "You have to talk to me about this fucking shit."

"How the fuck am I supposed to do that? You're busy all of the fucking time! I spend my days in a lab while you get to live out your wildest fucking dreams! My dreams are stuck in my head!" Felix exclaimed as he followed me.

I turned around to look at him, "If your life is so fucking boring, how the fuck are you so self-involved? You haven't even asked me why I'm here!"

Felix sighed, "What is it?"

"You know that thing you downplayed to quote unquote make yourself feel better? Yeah, I think someone's dead because of it and I came to you for comfort but instead you made it about yourself."

"Wait, what?" Felix asked, his voice dropping.

"Yeah. That's what's going on in my fucking life, if you even fucking care. Or are you just going to turn this back around on me and-,"

Felix cut me off and walked up to me, grabbing onto my arms and staring me dead in the eyes, "Han, did you kill someone?"

I shrugged his arms away, "No, I didn't kill someone but I think I'm about to."

"What's going on?"

"I was fucking right, that's what's going on. I was right and while you've been busy worrying about yourself, I've been losing my fucking shit. Now I'm not even sure if I should tell you because I'm half-convinced I'm just gonna hear the same shit I did last time."