tw / mention of suicidal thoughts
wooyoung was quiet. too quiet for san's liking. he sat at the edge of the older's bed, hugging himself as san shut the door behind him.
"woo," san whispered. "what's going on, love?"
san could feel his anxiety rising as he waited for wooyoung's response, nervously playing with his sweater sleeves as he sat down beside the boy.
"i-i don't understand..." wooyoung muttered.
"understand what?"
"why is my brain like this? i-it's like i'm constantly at war with myself, sannie..."
"woo..." san spoke softly, gently taking the boy's hand in his own. "it's okay... keep going."
wooyoung gulped a bit, his eyes welling with tears as he looked into san's eyes. he felt awful for feeling the way he did, especially now, seeing the love of his life in front of him.
"i-i want to die, san. so bad. i-i'm so sick of this... all of it."
san nodded in understanding, squeezing the boy's hand reassuringly.
"a-and yet... i-i want to live too. i have moments with you a-and with sangie and hwa a-and then i find myself wishing for times like those to be forever. i-i want to spend the rest of my life with you, i-i want to spend my years being best friends with yeosang and growing old together, just like we promised when we were kids. i-i want to make my dreams come true and be a professional dancer, i want to teach little kids how to dance and watch them find their love for dance the same way i did all those years ago. i-i have so much to live for... but he ruined me."
san stayed quiet, knowing that wooyoung was not done just yet, and he carefully pulled the boy closer.
"he ruined me and n-now i want to die. i want to f-fucking kill myself, san. i constantly feel disgusting, like he's still always around... l-like he's going to hurt me a-again, a-and every single thing i-i do is still dictated by his existence. i-i want to free myself from these feelings... b-but there's no way out... n-no other way..."
wooyoung broke down to tears, his head buried into san's chest as he cried. san was at a loss for words, wooyoung's confession shattering him. he couldn't lose wooyoung, that would destroy him.
"hey... woo?" san started a few minutes later.
"hm?"
"i can't say i understand, because i haven't been through anything like you have... but i can say this. your feelings are valid, my love. every single one of them. and i will do everything in my power to give you a reason to want to stay. i know things feel hopeless right now, but i'm here for you, okay? we'll find you some hope, and we will make life seem worth living. does that sound good?"
wooyoung nodded shallowly, beginning to play with san's fingers as his head rested on the boy's shoulder. things grew quiet again, the quality time being spent together bringing a slight smile to the younger's face, although it was a weak one.
"thank you for telling me, love... for coming to me instead of suffering alone," san whispered some time later.
wooyoung took a shaky breath and nodded, looking at where the two's fingers were laced together.
"i-it felt right to... y-you caught me the last time i really felt like this a-and made me feel s-so safe despite the thoughts in my head. i-i had a feeling you could help again."
san nodded this time, kissing wooyoung's forehead and then adjusting the boy so that he was fully facing him in his lap.
"i love you, woo. i'll always do my best to help."
wooyoung smiled small, wrapping his arms around san's neck and pressing a soft kiss to his lips.
"i-i love you too..."
san pressed his lips to wooyoung's again, the two boys passionately holding onto each other as their lips danced. within minutes, wooyoung had his hands under san's shirt, the older with his hands securely on his lover's hips.
"off," wooyoung whispered in between kisses, pulling at san's shirt.
and just like that, san's shirt came off and wooyoung let his hands roam the boy's body. san continued to hold wooyoung, rubbing small circles on his hips and allowing the younger to have full control over the situation they were in.
"sannie..." wooyoung breathed out.
"yeah?"
"h-help?" wooyoung muttered, struggling to get his own shirt off.
san let out a soft chuckle, kissing the boy's nose and nodding before helping the boy get his shirt off.
"you're beautiful, woo."
"mm... thank you, sannie," wooyoung whispered. "now kiss me, silly..."
san laughed softly and cupped the boy's cheeks, kissing him lovingly.
"i love you," san mumbled between kisses. "so much."
wooyoung felt all fuzzy and warm inside hearing such sweet words spoken to him while the two were making out. it was overwhelming to realize how different things truly were, to the extent that wooyoung started crying into san's kisses.
with this, san gently pulled away and tried to look at wooyoung, but the younger only panicked and begged for more.
"n-no! don't... d-don't stop, please..."
"baby... baby, what's wrong? talk to me, love," san whispered in worry, gently holding the boy's hands in his own.
"i-i'm s-sorry! p-please d-don't leave... i-i'm sorry i wasn't good..."
"wooyoung... woo, look at me, angel... sannie's here," san reminded, squeezing the boy's hands.
"s-sannie... p-please... j-just kiss me, i-i promise i'll be good..."
"wooyoung, love... i can't. you're upset... what's wrong?"
"i-i'm sorry... i-i'm sorry, i—"
"wooyoung. baby, please... look at me, yeah? let's take some deep breaths..."
nervously, wooyoung made eye contact with san and followed his breathing.
"there you go... you're doing amazing, my love. can you tell me what's wrong now? or do you need some time?"
"i-i'm sorry..."
"it's okay, angel. you don't have anything to be sorry for, i'm just worried, yeah?"
"i-it felt good... feeling and hearing how much you really love me?"
"ahh..."
"i-it just got overwhelming... how different things are? i feel good. you make me feel good... i-i'm just... i'm not used to it."
"that's okay, woo. we'll take it little by little, yeah? you'll get there. we'll get you there. i promise."
"r-really?"
"really."
"t-thank you, sannie..."
"always, my love."
"c-can we cuddle?"
"of course, angel. just like this?"
wooyoung nodded, resting his head on san's shoulder.
"just like this."
the two tangled their bodies together, wooyoung laying on san's chest. wooyoung was quick to close his eyes and melt into san's embrace, tuning in to how it felt to be held by someone who truly loved him.
he could get used to this, he knew he could. it would take some time, but san was patient. it would be okay.
everything would turn out okay.
-
woooo 3 days of updates !! i think i'm going to do 1-2 more days of consecutive updates, then i'll go back to updates every week :)
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begin again | woosan
Fanfiction"i didn't think i'd ever feel safe again..." "do you feel safe now?" "choi san... you make me feel safer than i ever have in my life." - in which wooyoung has recently gotten out of an abusive relationship and struggles with finding the feeling of s...
