begin again | woosan

- eighty seven -

wooyoung did try. he tried hard. he wanted to make san and his mom proud. so the first day, he tried doing everything on his own.

he watched a drama in his room, but he only made it through an episode before he started to get anxious that it was too loud. he made it outside for a few minutes with bada, but he had a small panic spell that kept him from spending more time out. as for the cookies, he found himself too overwhelmed from trying the other things on his list to even attempt that.

the next day, he tried again. he watched a couple of episodes of the drama he had started after he woke up, not feeling too bad when he decided to stop, but still feeling a bit of anxiety over the drama's volume.

what worried him the most was going outside with bada, even if he was only just going to the backyard. so, wooyoung decided to take san's advice and ask his mom to go with him.

"mom?" wooyoung asked quietly as he walked into the living room.

"hi sweetheart, how are you doing?"

"not bad... i-it still feels weird being here though."

"i understand, honey. it may feel weird for a while, but you're doing your best."

"everyone always says that," wooyoung sighed, sitting down. "everyone always says i'm doing my best, but it doesn't always feel like it. sometimes i'm just trying to survive."

"and that's okay. sometimes you need breaks from trying as hard as you do. at the end of the day, every little effort you make is important."

wooyoung nodded, then looked at his mother.

"mom? c-can you come outside with me?"

"of course i can, honey. just out to the yard or a walk?"

"yard for now... maybe later we can take bada on a walk?"

"sounds like a plan," the woman smiled.

within minutes, wooyoung and his mother were outside with bada, the dog running around freely in the yard. he wasn't anxious, which was good, but he wasn't feeling good. he couldn't help but feel guilty. he felt like such a burden, it was hard for him to take in that everyone around him couldn't think of him as such.

"m-mom...?"

"yeah, honey? how are you doing?"

"i-i'm sorry..." wooyoung whimpered, staring at the ground and trying not to cry. "i-i'm so sorry. that i'm not me anymore, t-that you had to see me like that in the h-hospital, that i'm such a burden. i-i'm sorry..."

"wooyoung... honey, you'll never be a burden to me. if i didn't want to take care of you, i wouldn't have had children," she laughed softly, trying to help wooyoung relax. "yes, i'll admit... it was hard to see you like that in the hospital. i was worried though, i wasn't upset. i don't want to lose you, sweetheart."

"i-i'm sorry... i-i shouldn't have tried."

"wooyoung, if there's one thing i know about you... it's that you wouldn't have done that if you didn't feel like it was the only option. san and yeosang told me everything. they told me about how you've been going to therapy, about how you still felt like you needed something more and how you got diagnosed with ptsd and panic disorder. they told me that you were stuck in denial over having ptsd. i can't say i wouldn't be the same way if i were in a similar situation.

"i don't know the details of everything you went through, honey. but i don't need to in order to know it was bad. yes, we all want our wooyoung back. we all want you to feel confident again and light up the room with your smile. but it's going to take time. it won't happen overnight, and we're all willing to be patient. you're still you, wooyoung... it's just being hidden."