Regret Me

Alianovna

Day 5 of my plan started with me crying as I got ready for work.

You know when you start putting on mascara while you're crying and then you end up crying black tears? After my conversation with Lizzie yesterday, she stood and cried for about 10 minutes until I said that I needed to go. As soon as I was in my front door, I too started crying. For the loss of what we had, for the fact she was so upset, for me not being able to do anything to help her. So, I just cried. I drank the rest of the zero-alcohol wine and thought for a split second about ordering a real bottle of wine to dull out the feelings but instead of feeding into those thoughts and falling into that trap, I called Vanessa. It must have been three or four am London time when I called her, but she answered within seconds, worry lacing her tone.

"Y/N/N?" she asked, "are you okay baby? It's really late."

"I need you," I cried softly.

"Hey, it's okay, talk to me," she sighed.

"I really really need a drink, I want a drink so badly," I explained, "I just- I want to forget."

"You've come so far," she reminded me, "you've worked so so hard, and you do not need a drink, okay? There are so many other things that can distract you."

"Please distract me," I nodded, wiping my eyes quickly.

"What's happened?" she asked, now fully awake.

"I reconnected with Lizzie," I told her.

"Olsen?" she checked.

I hummed a yes, "we ran into each other, and we've been meeting up and talking about everything and I went to hers last night and-"

"Oh god please don't say you slept with her," Ness asked softly.

"I didn't, I didn't even kiss her," I explained, "we just spoke, and she wanted to kiss me, she told me that she wanted to kiss me but we just spoke more about everything that happened and then she cried ... then I cried and I left."

"Are you on your own right now?" she asked.

"Yeah," I whispered, "I'm okay, I'm safe, I just didn't want to relapse."

"You're so strong Y/N, I'm really proud of you for phoning me," she smiled softly, "can you switch to Facetime?"

I hummed a yes and switched over the call. Vanessa's gorgeous blue eyes filled the screen. She was being lit up by an orange lamp in her bedroom and her hair was pulled into a messy bun. Wearing one of my t-shirts, she smiled at me sadly and I wiped my eyes.

"I missed your face," I sniffled.

"Me too," she smiled sadly.

"I- I don't know what to do-"

"You're not going to drink," she told me, "say those words."

"I'm not going to drink," I nodded.

"Exactly," she smiled softly, "you're not going to let Elizabeth throw away all of the progress you've made. You're way too good for her but if you do end up getting back with her, I need you to look after yourself."

"She's married, we're not getting back together," I replied.

"But if you do ... you need to put yourself first," she sighed.

"I will," I sniffled.

"I'm going to stay on call until you fall asleep, okay?"

"Okay ... thank you Ness," I smiled sadly, wiping my eyes again as the tears started to slow down.