Regret Me

Chuffed

"And how do you feel now?" my therapist pushed.

I shrugged my shoulders, "I don't know how to feel."

"That's okay too," she smiled softly, "have you and Lizzie spoken through how both of you are feeling about it all?"

I nodded, "a lot actually, we've spoken about it nearly every day this week and cried ... every other day? Usually, she starts crying first and then I cry for a bit and then we both cry for about an hour."

"You're not giving yourself enough credit," she smiled, "you're processing this loss in a very healthy way. The fact you're both talking about it and honestly letting your emotions out means that you're not only stronger as a couple but you're allowing yourself that space to grow."

"First time for everything," I laughed out my nose.

She laughed slightly too and nodded, "there is no rush in having children, there are a lot of options for you, okay?"

"Yeah," I whispered, "I've actually been thinking about adoption."

"Have you spoken to Lizzie about that?" she asked.

I shook my head, "she really wants to carry."

"I think you should raise it as a conversation," she pushed, "for all you know, she might be feeling the same."

I hummed and nodded, "thank you."

"Of course," she smiled back, "your time for this week is just about up but remember if you need anything, we can make an emergency appointment."

"Thank you ... again," I laughed slightly, standing up and shaking her hand, "I'm going to ask Lizzie about adoption soon I think."

"Good idea," she winked, letting me go and closing the door behind me.

As I let out my weekly post-therapy exhale, I put in my air pods and started my walk-through downtown New York, past my old apartment and into the coffee shop that was my regular when I first moved here. A whole lot has happened since I first set foot in this huge city and there's a lot, I probably would've done differently but every step I've taken has been worth it because of how far I've come as a person as well as a girlfriend and now fiancé and hopefully future mother. Since Scarlet had her daughter, my urge to be a mother has only grown and I can only imagine it'll get worse when I meet her new baby who she called Charlotte despite all the feedback she received following the suggestion of a name that sounds an awful lot like her own ... don't get me wrong, she is the cutest little baby but I would really love one of my own. I think Lizzie and I have both realised that it's going to be borderline impossible for us to fall pregnant naturally unless I stop taking my very strong pain meds or Lizzie's uterus decides to stop the self-sabotage.

"Two oat lattes for Y/N?" the barista smiled.

"Thank you," I winked, leaving a tip and walking off towards the train station that led me back home to my fiancé.

Walking through New York in the summer came with an odd sense of clarity and nostalgia and the overall feeling that everything really would be okay because I was loved by Elizabeth and not only that, but I was also going to be spending the rest of my life loving her, all be it shorter than both of us would've liked. With all the stress of the baby and then the miscarriage, I think Lizzie had forgotten about my terminal diagnosis as she kept repeatedly talking about us growing old together and how she couldn't wait to see me with wrinkles. I didn't have the heart to remind her just yet, I had to let her heal from one thing first before I threw another fuck off bomb at her.

Lizzie <3
Are you on your way home? x

Smiling to myself, I pulled out my phone and dialled my fiancés number as I sipped my coffee.