Regret Me

If you need me

Do you want to know my biggest pet peeve about having panic attacks? The day after when you're fucking wrecked and can't do anything apart from feeling numb.

Lizzie left last night after making sure I was okay on my own and after ordering me a pizza for dinner because I 'deserve it'. Although that meant now I was simply a few hours away from Vanessa landing in New York. A few hours away from her coming over and us talking properly in person for the first time since we broke up. I was working from home today, so I didn't have to worry about going into the office, but I did have to worry about cleaning my apartment and making sure I looked good for when she arrived. The last thing I needed was her coming in to see my empty pizza box and my Netflix open on Bridget Jones. So, I made my bed, and I sprayed the whole house in a room spray that smelt vaguely of lavender and cardamon before getting dressed for the day. Yes, it was noon but better late than never. I threw on a pair of dark grey tracksuit bottoms and a black bodysuit that sinched my waist and made my boobs look amazing. Brushing my hair out, I left the loose day 3 curls hanging down by the sides of my face and applied a light cover of makeup. Just enough to make it look like I had slept and not been crying periodically for the last few days. When I felt like I looked decent, I reappeared in my kitchen and popped down the kettle, leaning back on the kitchen side and taking some deep breaths. As it appeared fresh in my mind, I took my meds and turned back to the kettle, placing my mug in front of it and watching as the sound of water boiling filled my quiet apartment.

"Alexa, play Teenage Dream by Olivia Rodrigo," I spoke up.

I'll blow the candle, happy birthday to me.
Got your whole life ahead of you, you're only nineteen,
But I fear that they already got the best parts of me.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't always be your teenage dream.

"They all day that it gets better, it gets better, the more you grow. They all say that it gets better," I sang with a break in my voice, "it gets better but what if I don't ..."

As I screamed the lyrics of songs that hurt a little bit more at the moment, I turned the volume of my music up all the way and then leaned back on the kitchen side with my mug of tea, closing my eyes and feeling all the lyrics. Just when I went to start the next song, my neighbour above stomped on the floorboards, a subtle way to tell me to shut the fuck up. Turning down my music slightly, I moved over to the lounge and sat down, looking forward at the blank TV screen, thinking about today and how unprepared I felt to see the girl I devoted my life to for the past half a decade.

The day went way too quickly for my liking. Within no time, there was a knock at the front door and my heart jumped into my throat. Taking a deep shaky breath, I stepped towards the door and opened it to see Vanessa standing in front of me with a small smile. Her hair was straightened and hanging down by her breasts as her body was covered by an all-in-one tight black jumpsuit. A black North Face puffer on top and her Ugg slippers covering her feet. She was rocking a huge duffle bag and had the biggest sunglasses ever pushed on top of her head.

"Hey," she exhaled.

"Hi," I whispered, "c-come in, sorry for the mess."

There was no mess, I made sure to clean.

"You cleaned, didn't you?" she giggled.

I nodded and took her bag off her shoulder, placing it on one of the hooks by the door and then following her into my home.

"It's very ... you," she nodded slowly before turning back to me, "how have you been?"

"Can I have a hug?" I asked.

She laughed out her nose and nodded quickly, walking towards me and wrapping her arms around my neck, taking me into a tight hug. I hugged her back instantly and buried my head in the crook of her neck, breathing in the scent I missed so much.