Regret Me

Time

Lizzie's POV

I woke up a good few hours before Y/N so I left her asleep in our bed. After about 45 minutes of tossing and turning, I made my way down the stairs to our kitchen and popped down the kettle. We had officially been trying for a baby for three months now and so far, we've had zero luck. I knew it was going to be hard, our fertility nurse made that very clear, but I didn't think it was going to be this hard. I just assumed that it would take maybe three tries and it would all work out. Turns out that wasn't the case. I'd lost count on how many rounds of IUI we've done now but I've had a few calls with our nurse and decided that we would have a formal meeting about the procedure for the surgery offered to us. Y/N had been amazing, I sell her short sometimes, but she has really been a star with how hormonal and borderline psychotic I've been recently - although I can see that it is now starting to upset her as well as me. She'd never admit it out loud but I've noticed she's lost weight and her hair has started to thin due to stress. All we needed was just a small level of uplifting news. Just something small to look forward to and something to keep us going. No one tells you how hard it is to lose a child you never even had in the first place.

"Liz?" a soft voice groaned behind me in the dark room.

I turned around to see my fiancé in an oversized t-shirt, her hair a mess and her eyes screwed nearly shut.

"Hey, what are you doing up?" I asked, holding my hand out toward her.

"What are you doing up?" she smiled softly, leaning her head on my shoulder with a yawn.

"Couldn't sleep," I mumbled, "tea?"

"Yes please," she whispered, "I had a really lovely dream."

"Was it about me?" I joked.

"It was actually," she laughed out her nose, "we stayed in London instead of moving to America but of course we still ended up together and engaged."

"Of course," I smiled softly, handing her a cup of tea, "what time do you have work?"

"Nine till four," she yawned, sipping the hot drink.

I nodded slowly and shuffled over to the lounge, followed by Y/N/N quickly trotting after me. After I sat down on the couch, she lifted her legs up and extended them out towards me.

"I miss working," I told her, lifting my legs up so they were intertwined with hers, our bodies facing each other.

"You don't have upcoming projects, do you?"

I shook my head, "I feel like I'm in a weird purgatory."

"Why don't you talk to your agent and see if she can get you something to work on for the rest of the year," Y/N suggested.

"Maybe," I yawned, "I just don't want to commit to anything because if I end up having the surgery, I'll be out of action for a while."

"Yeah, I get that," she nodded.

I thought for a moment and let out a shaky breath when my stomach churned with a horrible anxiousness.

"Are you taking your anti-anxieties?" my fiancé asked like she could read my mind.

I nodded and furrowed my brows slightly, putting my mug down. I had been taking my meds. We both had and we'd both started therapy again but I've been so fucking anxious over the past month to the point that I'm throwing up and my hands are always shaky. I can't seem to shake the awful feeling in my gut and Y/N can see that. I didn't have to tell her for her to know either, she just knew somehow.

"I think I'm going to call the doctors today to see if they'll up them because they're just not working," I decided.

She nodded in agreement, "do you want me to come with you?"