Regret Me

Bigger than the whole sky

"I DON'T WANT TO TALK ANYMORE!" Lizzie screamed at me, flailing her arms around, "I'M DONE TALKING, I HAVE NO MORE WORDS, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE."

"WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO GO?" I shouted back, "this is our home right now, I've travelled across the world to be with you Elizabeth, don't walk away from me."

"I'm done," she shook her head, walking away from me anyway, "I'm done talking and I'm done with this," she added, motioning between us.

"What- what do you mean this?" I asked.

"I can't keep this image up for you Y/N," she expressed, grabbing her suitcase from the wardrobe and throwing it on the bed, "I'm going to stay with- I don't know- someone ... I just need to be somewhere you're not."

"Lizzie stop," I frowned, grabbing her hands and shaking my head, "don't do this."

"It's done babe, I've done it," she replied flatly, "it's done," she repeated, pulling her hands out of mine and agressivly throwing stuff in her suitcase.

Lizzie lost the baby last night.

We were sitting on the balcony when it happened. She stood up to go get another cup of tea and the pale sofa was stained a deep red. I knew straight away, and I think she did too, so we stayed in silence for about 10 minutes before she nodded and sat back down. My mind was still spiralling as she called our midwife from New York and explained the situation. She then sent over a nurse who confirmed what we already knew. We were only nine weeks into the pregnancy so there was no need for surgery, Lizzie was told that she had to sit and let her body do the rest of the work, so for the past 12 hours we sat in silence, not eating, not drinking, not talking. Just in silence watching some stupid fucking Spanish film on the TV. When I finally asked if we were going to talk about it, she shook her head.

"I need to talk about it," I told her shakily, "we can't just pretend this never happened."

"It didn't," she replied, eyes still on the picture screen in front of us, "no one knew so it didn't happen, okay?"

"No, not okay," I shook my head, powering off the TV and forcing her to look at me, "I'm not okay."

"How do you think I feel?" she bit back, "I have a baby literally bleeding out of me - I'm fucking furious Y/N."

"Why are we not crying?" I asked.

"Because we knew this was going to happen," she decided, "I can't have a baby, you need to learn to live with that."

"We can try again-"

"No," she cut me off, switching the TV back on.

"What do you mean, no?" I asked.

"Can you stop asking me so many fucking questions, I can't deal with it right now," she exhaled, anger in her words.

"Please can we talk," I sniffled, wiping my eyes, "please Liz."

"You want to talk?" she asked sternly, switching off the TV again and slamming the remote down on the table in front of us, "let's fucking talk. Let's talk about how persistent you were with the IUI even though we knew the chances of falling pregnant were slim. Let's talk about how it kept failing but you kept my hopes up. Let's discuss the fact you're already saying we'll try again, and it hasn't even been a day since I had a fucking miscarriage. Anything else we should talk about?"

"Let's talk about how you're severely in denial about how much this is hurting you," I replied sadly.

"No," she said again.

"Is that the only word you can say right now? No?" I bit back.

"I don't want to talk about it," she told me calmly, "I want to pretend this didn't happen. I'd rather us forget I was even pregnant in the first place."

"I can't do that Lizzie," I sighed, "that was my child too, you can't expect me not to have any feelings about losing them."

"Well can you feel your feeling over there and stop forcing me to feel them?" she asked harshly.

"You're my fucking fiancé," I reminded her.

"Really?" she asked sarcastically, "god Y/N/N, I'm not asking for much here, I just don't want to talk about ... all of this."

"You have to," I told her honestly, "I'm sorry but you have to talk about it in order to heal from it."

"I don't want to talk Y/N, get that through your head," she bit back, standing up and running her hand through her hair.

"Please talk to me," I sniffled, "we're a team Liz-"

"I DON'T WANT TO TALK ANYMORE!" Lizzie screamed at me, flailing her arms around, "I'M DONE TALKING, I HAVE NO MORE WORDS, JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE."

"WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO GO?" I shouted back, "this is our home right now, I've travelled across the world to be with you Elizabeth, don't walk away from me."

"I'm done," she shook her head, walking away from me anyway, "I'm done talking and I'm done with this," she added, motioning between us.

"What- what do you mean this?" I asked.

"I can't keep this image up for you Y/N," she expressed, grabbing her suitcase from the wardrobe and throwing it on the bed, "I'm going to stay with- I don't know- someone ... I just need to be somewhere you're not."

"Lizzie stop," I frowned, grabbing her hands and shaking my head, "don't do this."

"It's done babe, I've done it," she replied flatly, "it's done," she repeated, pulling her hands out of mine and aggressively throwing stuff in her suitcase.

"I don't want to be alone," I cried, falling to my knees and watching her as she packed up.

"Call Scarlet," she said bluntly.

"I don't want Scarlet-"

"The day you figure out what you do want, let me know," Liz cut me off, "just- don't text me please."

"You're not leaving," I sobbed, "p-please don't leave, I need you here- I need you Elizabeth- I can't be alone- I can't- please Lizzie- please don't go."

"I need some time on my own," she said shakily, her chin quivering.

"Please," I mumbled, shaking my head.

She shook her head too and sealed the case shut, tying her hair out of her face and looking down at my state with her hands on her hips.

"Please," I repeated, not bothering to wipe the tears away.

"Y/N/N stop crying-"

"I can't," I sobbed, "my baby just died."

"They were barely a baby," Liz sighed.

"They were," I cried harder, my hand on my chest, "they were ours Lizzie, I don't care if you don't see that because that what they were ... they were our baby and they just died."

"I know," she nodded, blinking quickly as an attempt to hide her tears.

"I don't want to be on my own," I hysterically expressed, my eyes sealed shut so the tears didn't blind me.

I heard Lizzie sigh heavily and walk toward me, getting down to my level and pulling me into a hug as I cried harder and harder until I physically couldn't cry anymore, and I was left wailing in her arms. She didn't say anything and neither did I. It was one of those moment where there was nothing left to say. There were no words that were going to fix this.

"I'm sorry," was all she whispered after a long while.

It was an apology for a lot of things, I think. How she spoke to me. The loss of our child. How she couldn't feel anything right now. That she wasn't crying with me. That I had travelled across the world to be with her, and she couldn't give me what I needed. There were a lot of things Lizzie could've done differently, a lot she needed to be sorry for. A lot of moments that are pivotal to our story, but a lot of those things aren't even worth a mention. But this ... this is the single worst thing thats ever happened to us.

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A/N - I feel like I should apologise....