Double Down Demons (A Ghost Adventures/Zak Bagans Story)

Chapter 73: Reasons to believe

"Well that fucking explains it all doesn't it?" I recoil from his raised voice and the sudden movement as he jumps up from the couch.

"What? I don't understand." I take hold of his wrist but he pulls it violently from my grasp.

"This is why you're with me! I thought it might be because you wanted to show off with your famous boyfriend but who would you show off to?" He spits and I suck in my breath and feel the tears prick my eyes, it would have hurt less if he had slapped me. "Then I thought maybe it was my money, but you got paid a good amount for the show, you've always insisted on paying your own way and get uncomfortable if I try and spoil you so that wasn't it. So I thought maybe, just maybe you wanted me for me! That I'd finally found someone who just wanted and loved plain old Zak Bagans." He ranted and I couldn't stop the tears from flowing.

"Zak! That's exactly it though, I love YOU, not what you are or for what you have. I have fallen in love with who you are!" I reach for him again but he pulls away and paces the room.

"No!" He shouts making me jump, "Don't you get it? Its not you! You're not feeling that, its Delphyne projecting her own feelings onto you. She loved Aiden, well here I am with Aiden in tow! Hooray for her, she has what she wants by making you feel like its what you want. You don't really love me at all." He ends in a harsh whisper but he might as well be screaming it in my ear as it rattles through my head and pierces my heart. The hurt and anger rises to my throat.

"How fucking dare you!" I shout at him, clenching my fists not feeling the wound on my palm open up once more. "You're being ridiculous, stupid, pig headed and downright cruel! Oh woe is you Zak Bagans! If that's your logic how do you know your feelings for me are real huh? Did you think about that? Is it not Aiden projecting on to you? It would certainly explain why you've suddenly fallen for someone as plain and ordinary as me because Zak, I can't see any other reason for it. The great unobtainable Zak Bagans falling for the plain Jane English girl, yeah I doubt it! So do you really love me? Think about it, really think it through. Look at me Zak! I'm no model or porn star, I'm nothing special at all, you wouldn't ordinarily fall for me!" I accuse as the tears stream freely down my face.

"But I do love you, no question. I know it. That's all me!" Zak insists.

"How can you be so sure? I would tell you the same, but would you believe me? Truly believe me? Because I think I know my own mind, this feeling in my heart." I thump my chest, "Its all so fucking real to me! I feel it physically, I love you so much that sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode because I can't contain it. I felt that way the whole time Father Gwynne was cleansing me, the whole time I have been wearing these," I flick the rosary that lays between my breasts. "You know better than me, would her influence on me be able to survive that?" I'm sobbing by now, desperate for him to believe. "All I know is it feels real to me Zak, I love you, me, Tracy, loves you Zak, not Delphyne loves Aiden. Just me and you, the cute, loving, protective, clever, handsome, dorky Zak Bagans that I have gotten to know. But I don't know how I can convince you that its real. What would it take to make you believe me? I'll do anything." I say in desperation unable to look at him for fear of only seeing distrust in his eyes.

All of a sudden he is in front of me and with his finger beneath my chin he lifts my face so I have to meet his gaze. I try to pull away but he holds me still.

"Look at me." He demands quietly as I avert my eyes. "Please look at me." He begs and my heart shatters as I watch a single tear drop run down his cheek.

"Please believe me." I whisper, "I can't bare it if..." He cuts my words off with a kiss.

"I believe you! Oh sweetie, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! I know you were never with me for any of those things." He holds me to him. "And I should know you better, you're too stubborn and strong willed to let someone manipulate you like that for so long. Its just I find it so hard to understand why you've put up with all of this, its hard to believe that its just to stay with me." I look up at him and never have I seen him look so vulnerable, the last remnants of his confident hard man facade having slipped away.

"You are why Zak! Just you. I would do anything to stay with you, anything and everything." I pull him to me and hug him hard. He nuzzles into my hair and sniffles. My heart swells in my chest, I want to keep him safe from the cynical world that has made him feel like he can't be really loved. He kisses the top of my head and takes my hand making me hiss through my teeth. He turns my hand palm up and winces as he sees the fresh droplets of blood from the angry wound. Leading me to the bedroom he sits me on the bed, fetches the first aid kit from the bathroom, kneels on the carpet in front of me and tenderly cleanses and dresses my injury. Once it is tightly wrapped in a protective bandage he kisses my palm and I place my hand gently to his cheek.

"This is why I love you Zak, you care for everyone before thinking of yourself, you're hard man persona doesn't fool me. Nobody has cared for me the way that you do. I see you ya know, always checking to see where I am, the release of tension in your shoulders when you find me and see that I'm ok. I notice that you always walk in such a way that I'm guarded from the world! You make sure I always have access to food and water, you see to it that I'm comfortable before you can even begin to settle, you reach for me checking on me every time you wake up, you keep me safe as best you can. All reasons for me to love you more, I just hope that one day you'll find similar reasons to believe that I love you too." I sniffle, hating that he doubts my feelings for him.

Zak looks at me with wide eyes a shade of turquoise I had never seen before, he bites his full lip as I watch the cogs turning in his head as he thinks about what I had just said. I hold my breath waiting for him to respond, my thoughts tumultuous, what if he doesn't find those reasons, what if he tells me its over?