Loyal Love (Kaisoo)

Chapter 45 : Voices

please dont kill me

,, how are you today ?"

fine

i write down onto the writting pad that was on the table .

i didnt bother looking at doctor joon or picking the pad up to write .
it was just the basic visits to the therapist . i stoped freaking out .
it was useless .
like everything else .

i havent seen yixing since last week and jongin has been asking me none stop if i wanted to talk about my nightmares that i've been having ever since yixing came ..

he knew what happened to me ,the doctors told him i know it .and thats whats making me feel even more disgusting..

jongin held my hand as we slowly walked back to my room . every step i took was shaky and we were moving so slow as most of my weight got supported by the hand of jongin which i tightly held to steady myself .

i felt like a grandpa .
i felt like jongin was like my fucking grandchild while i'm the annoying grandpa he just wished would finally die .

this always makes me wonder how long it would take him to admit that he's tired of walking around in the slowest pace
of visiting some stupid gardens only to talk to himself because i couldnt answer,
of sleeping in an uncomfortable hospital bed,
of waking up just to calm me down from another nightmare,
of getting into arguments with his father because he'd rather stay by my side than visit his braindead mother.
of helping me to shower and eat . count the pills of my medicine. bring me to the therapies and get me back to bed,
tell baekhyun and chanyeol on the phone of what happened the day. because i could bearly handle more people than jongin .

when does he admit that hes tired of me.

i hate feeling like a burden . this feeling is killing me . everything is killing me .

its like i'm walking through a dark tunnel trying to fucking find even the smallest spark of light .
but there was just nothing .

nothing but darkness that seemed to go darker and darker by everyday that passed .

i tried to be positive .
giving myself little things to archive . like walking without falling, finishing the food they gave me . or at least smilling once a day .making jongin smile, happy
proud ..

jongin was my light . these little archivments were my light .
but the more i thought of it .
the more i realized that its

useless.

everything was useless including me .
those little "archivments" were bullshit . i heard it myself . i'm no where near to getting better .
they think i'm insane . they think i'm a freak and its not destroying me but its destroying jongin .

the dark circles under his eyes grow darker with everyday .
his skin is getting more pale and he in general just looks sad .

hes breaking and i'm the one whos breaking him . every fake smile and laugh that i used to see as my light .was now nothing more than the reminder of how i'm breaking him .

i was tired of this and he was aswell .but what was i suppose to do ? if i leave he would be even more broken .and if i stay .he suffers .

there was no ending its like a circle of suffering and it was all my fault..

,, hey " he spoke quietly and i turn my head to look at him .

we finally made it to the hospital bed and i was as always laying in it while jongin sat on his chair looking at me .he looked even sadder today and i knew something was wrong ..

so i grabbed my writing pad and slowly wrote
whats wrong ?

he sighed quietly looking down as he grabbed my hand and looked back up at me .
,, i wanted to talk to you about something "

i just blinked at him and he sighed again playing with my cold hand

,, you know.. i'm m-missing a lot of school lately .. and the teacher talked to my father about it and to me himself . unfortunatly i have to go back to school soon again ."

school, thats something i havent been thinking of for a while now .
i rememberd when i used to save money for college .
i was acually believing that i could make it .. i wanted to go with baekhyun .far away to a college and never come back .

but the money was all gone. my future like i had planned ut was aswell but thats not impotant now

i somehow felt like that was not his problem at all . he looked sad and exhausted .
there was something else. he wasnt telling me .

,, i will always make sure someone is with you ok .. you wont ever be alone , and i'll try to visit you as much as i can "he almost sounded despred and i felt sorry that he was stressing so much about this .

jongin

i wrote down onto the writting pad showing it to him before i erased to write again and he paciently waited

its fine, concentrate on school
i'm ok .

i smiled at him and he held my free hand tighter .
,, i love you "
he whisperd and kissed my temple

hes been saying that alot still .but i never realy felt like saying it back .
i was somehow afraid ..
i always am .

-{-}-{-}-{-}-{-}-{-}-{-}-{-}-{-}-{-}-{-}-{-}-

i sniffled as i ran the blade slowly over the side of my stomach .

more tears rolling down my cheeks because i just hated everything so much . but i hated myself the most .

i didnt want to be like my mum but sometimes i realy wished i was like her .

dabbing my wound until it stoped bleeding and cleaning the blood away i stood up again and looked at myself once more in the mirror .before i let my pullover fall back over the scars and cuts hiding it perfectly .

but that didnt change that i was so fucking ugly .. its hard to look at myself.
i've gotten fat ..
realy fat my cheeks never looked like this, they never were this full .

you just eat to much look at you. its only a matter of time until jongin realized that he deserves better

i sighed empty closing my eyes for a second to not end up having a breakdown in the middle of the night again, before i made my way back out of the bathroom to go to jongin still sleeping on my hospital bed .

trying to not wake him . i got into the hospital bed and carefully snuggled against him.

his arms soon found their way around me and he sighed tiredly
,, where were you ?"

i only shook my head
,, bathroom ?" i nodded and he held me tigheter kissing the crown of my head as i had long hidden my face in his chest .

so he pulled the blacket more over us both and soon fell back asleep .

i didnt tho .i just closed my eyes and listened to the voices in my head ... i acualyl thought i was getting better .

i thought i was strong.

faggot,
babyface,
ugly,
fat ,
mistake,
disgusting ,
stained ,
weak,
freak.

a tear rolled down my temple and i snuggled even closer to jongin .

trash