Loyal Love (Kaisoo)

Chapter 44 : Cold morning

i released a shaky breath rather heavily as i stood on my feet my hands tightly squeezing the bars besides me as i took slow steps . foreward. pushing tears to the back because it just fucking hurt so much .

i was practising walking.
well i could walk, it just hurt so fucking much that i would automatically walk in a weird way like talking short steps besides that, even then i wouldnt be able to walk far .

,, you're doing great " jongin chuckled in front of me ..
only a few steps come on .

i walked a little more forcing myself to walk normal until i stepped at a surten angle causing me to cry out and fall foreward .he instanldy catched me lowering myself as i caught my breath .

,, dont worry you did great " he smiled, before he helped me up and sat me back down in the wheelchair turning to the nurse and doctor afterwards and talking with them about something i didnt bother to listen . i didnt bother to listen a lot , i only seemed to bother when its jongin whos talking .

jongin has been helping me non stop .he was always there for me . he would try to push me to do it but it the most sweetest way .he would tell me some weird stories and walk with me through the gardens well try but most of the time i end up collapsing and he would carry me on his back
back .

i'm glad that he has been happier ever since i decided to show a few smiles .whenever he enterd the room or he woke me up for medicine .

unfortunatly havent i been able to open my mouth to anyone yet . i still couldnt speak and the thrapist told me something about mute . is that what i am now ? mute ?

i never wanted to be mute .. i never imagened that .and i honestly dont want to at all .there are people out there that realy cant speak and here i am not speaking because i'm such a fucking pussy ..

thats probably why i'm sitting here again . leaning against the walls of the hospital bathroom the sciccior for the bandages in the drawer was in my hand and i was watching how the blood drops before me and mixes on the tissue with my tears that kept falling onto it aswell.

each blood drop was just so beautiful.. and i hated myself for thinking that way . i hated myself for making me even uglier with the new created scars on my stomach .i decided to do it on my stomach this time because this time i wasnt thinking of suicide . but simply of the pain and the blood i needed it. it made me feel calmer .

but i hated myself that i was such a freak to not be sure if i wanted this or not .

theres a part of me who loves seeing the cut , the other hates it .
one part loves seeing the blood
the other hates it .
one part loves the pain . the other is scared of it .
one part is proud of seeing the white flesh from my arm
the other is disappointed
one part loves the scars
the other hates it .

and i dont understand .. why ?
does this make me an attention seeker ? because a part of me loved seeing that it was deep enough to create a scar .. but then again the other part just want to ripp the skin away and not let any scar shown .

i sighed closing my eyes . jongin wasnt here ..
after he noticed that i've been better he asked me if it was ok if he sometimes visited his mother ,ofcorse i said yes .. altho i didnt know if that was the right choice because he would always return rather sadly because he always argued with his father .

hye called a few times with jongins grandma and hearing her small voice made me smile . she was still so cute. and her singing lullababys to me was just precious .

she was precious .

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