strawberries | brendon urie

33: "because im fucking scared!"

me and justin haven't spoken in a week. my inner conflict was getting worse. i hated it.

brendon was very happy to be with sarah but worried about me. i told him i was fine and that if i needed him i'd let him know. he was not convinced. i was too scared to text justin. he had to know though. i sighed and put my phone down. how would everyone react if they found out? brendon? justin? nicole? jake? the fandom? dammit. i was aware they were all very supportive and kind but i the last time i told someone i was publicly humiliated - i never told a soul anymore.

i brushed my hair and styled it then i looked at my outfit: i was wearing short black dungarees with a white t shirt. i slid some socks onto my cold feet and headed downstairs. brendon had made us breakfast. i sat down and started eating. i was feeling so low and i hated it.
"hey strawberry" i looked up at brendon. "whats up?" he asked. there was no way in hell i was telling him whats going on.

"nothing" i replied.
he sighed. "please tell me whats upsetting you"
"im not upset" i lied.
"don't even lie to me. everyday it gets worse. and it hurts" i didn't reply - i didn't know how to. "it fucking hurts. to see you upset. everyday" he added.

"you said to me this whole secret had nothing to do with you getting hurt. but you are hurt" i just wanted to cry. brendon was upset now. because of me.
"brendon please can we not do this now?" i begged.
"no. im not leaving it. you gotta tell me whats going on darling" he said.
"im not saying anything" i got up and left the room, my heart beating fast.
"dylan wait please. im sorry okay, i'm not tryna pressure you but you need to talk ti me" i stopped.

"why should i tell you brendon?"
"because im fucking scared! everyday you're getting worse. you don't wanna talk about it. you don't wanna hang out with me. heck, you don't even wanna eat! what if i lost you huh? what if something terrible hap-" i cut him off.
"look im fine! you gotta calm down!" i exclaimed.

i knew he wouldn't give up.

"i wont. not until i know whats going on" he folded his arms.
"brendon this is ridiculous"
"the fuck? no its not! dylan, i know almost everything about you. you tell me everything, i tell you everything...whats going on?"
"it'll ruin everything!"
"dylan you're fucking scaring me" he said.

"brendon its a no"
"why not?" he asked.
"because im fucking scared!" why did i swear? i never swear! now he's more worried, god dammit.
"you can write it down? say a word? you gotta be okay" he said. "i cant let you beat yourself up anymore"
i took a deep breathe.
"girls" i said.
"what?" he furrowed his eye brows.
"girls" i repeated, shaking a little.
"what does that even mean?"
"brendon...

im gay"

OOPS