strawberries | brendon urie

19: "i need to see someone"

tw relapse
"you're all making it worse!"

it was band rehearsal. i'd decided to have a nap and woke up crying...then i started to have a panic attack and i was crowded with people trying to calm me. everyone stepped back as a loud noise left brendons mouth. he would never talk with such a cold tone.
"sorry...uh...I'm gonna take her somewhere" he took her hand and pulled me out of the room.

we made it to some closet and he sat me down on the ground.
"brendon i-i cant breathe!" i sobbed.
"you're okay. you're okay i promise." he squeezed my hands. it didn't even feel real. "look at me" he lifted my chin and locked eyes with me. "follow my breathing"

after what felt like forever i was calm. he pulled me into his arms and i cried into his t shirt.
"this is the most heartbreaking thing on earth" he said to me as he wiped my tears.
"why is everything so hard?" i sniffled.
"it gets easier"
"no it dosent! its getting harder and harder!" he realised how bad it was.
"you wanna talk to me?" he asked.
"the other day i had a panic attack" i said. "when?" he seemed worried.
"i had a nightmare a-and" i couldn't tell him. "slowly" he said, as tears streamed down my cheeks.
"i cant say it"

"you don't have to tell me now" he was about to unlock the door when it all came rushing out of me.
"i nearly relapsed!"

brendon froze. i sat on the floor dreading what was going to happen next.
"it felt so real. i went downstairs and was going to...a-and then i saw your piano. i remembered when we sat there a-and you were talking to me and i thought of you...i-i couldn't do it"
i started to cry again.
"oh god i cant believe i didn't know" he ran a hand through his hair. he helped me up and moved the hair out of my face. he held my cheeks with the palms of his hands.

"im glad you told me and that you're okay. but you can't live like this" i was about to speak but then i shut up. i couldn't say it. "no go on! tell me" he encouraged me, wiping my tears again.
"i think its stupid" i sniffled.
"i bet its not" he retorted.
"brendon im a fucking mute!"
"kinda" he added. i sighed.
"i was going to say that...maybe...i need to see someone" damn. i said it.

"wait are you sure? its not anything to do with my mom right?" he asked.
"no..." it was. "kinda" i added.
"you're sure you wanna do this?"
"i think" i felt a bit stupid.
"i'll only do it if its a yes" he said to me.
"yes" i blurted out.