strawberries | brendon urie

32: "justin i can't"

"good luck" i hugged brendon.
today was valentines day. and brendon was going to ask sarah out. i was going to tell justin my biggest secret, hoping for the best.

"thanks darling. oh and also i got you something" he ran upstairs to his room to find it. i went to the couch and moved it. i took the present out from behind it. he came downstairs with a bag.
"happy valentines day darling" he handed me it.
"this is so cheesy yet so cute" i smiled and took it. "and you too" i handed him the box.
"aw you shouldn't have" he looked so excited.

i opened the bag to see a box of chocolate, a dominos gift card, a little teddy bear and the new hayley kiyoko album. he unwrapped his present and laughed.
"this is so cool!"

i'd gotten him personalised shot glasses that spelled out PANIC!.
"these are so awesome!" he hugged me. "i appreciate you so much" he added before we pulled away. "thanks for all this. im gonna put it all away"

brendon drove me into town and i spotted justin. i hugged brendon, wished him luck and got out of the car. justin spotted me and grinned.

"hey" i smiled.
"hi" he seemed a bit nervous.
"so...where to first?" i asked.
"lets get drinks" we went to dunkin' doughnuts and got what we wanted.

we walked down the streets of la drinking our beverages and talking. then we made it to the park. we found our special tree and sat under it.
"hey. can i tell you something?" he asked.
"i have to tell you something too" i replied.   "i'll go first" he said. i sat up and nodded.
"i really like you...not just as a friend. its developed into something else. so...i wanted to ask you if you'd like to be my girlfriend"

this was my biggest fear
how could justin like me?
what would i say?
he'd be torn if i turned him down!
would he understand why?
how could i tell him my secret now?

"so...what'd you say?" he asked.
"justin" i began. "i can't date you"
i was screwing up already. i saw the hurt in his eyes.
"im so sorry" i said.
"is it because you don't like me back?"
"a-and something else..." i added.
"what is it?" he grew a little concerned.
"i don't know if i can tell you now" i wanted to cry. "im sorry. i wish i could explain. but i can't" i ran. i ran down the path sobbing. i felt so terrible - the amount of guilt inside me was tearing me to pieces. there was no fucking way i could tell him now.

i got into the house and closed the door behind me and brendon ran downstairs smiling.
"guess what!? me and sarah are dating!" he looked so so happy.
"thats amazing. im so happy for you" i tried to smile but i was beating myself inside.

"whats wrong?" he noticed my tears.
"justin has a crush on me. and i turned him down" i told him.
"but why are you crying?" he asked.
"i was going to tell him something. but i chickened out when i found out. i knew i couldn't tell him" i explained.

"what were you going to tell him?"
"i cant tell you" i knew i was going to cry again. but telling brendon was worse than anything.
"are you going to get hurt in any way?" he asked, holding me.
"i don't think so..." i replied.
"then you don't have to tell me. okay? calm down" he wiped my tears and hugged me.