strawberries | brendon urie

80: "if i hear her voice im going to lose it"

tw attempt

"how you feeling?" it was saturday. week one without brendon had been the worst. sarah was back in three days so thank god but i missed my dad so much. no hugs. no talks. no screaming to bring me the horizon while making sandwiches. i was so annoyed that he hadn't called or texted in days. how was i supposed to know he was okay? sarah texted me everyday and called when she could. i told her how upset i was about him contacting me and she said she'd ask him about it.

"very pissed at my dad. happy that im with you and that sarah gives a shit about me. and anxious as fuck" i had a swearing habit due to all the anger i had inside me. well, thats what molly said.
"there must be a reason why he hasn't called or anything. sarah said she'd ask right?" jessica asked. i nodded.

"im sorry we haven't hung out much lately" i sighed.
"health comes first. my dpd has been fucking with me a lot lately"
"you okay?" i asked. she nodded.
"i will be. i believe in myself. and you" she slipped her hand in mine and we walked on.

we got some japanese food then headed to her house. her three brothers were playing xbox while her mom was on her laptop. she said hi to me and asked how i was and i shrugged. they all knew i was a mute.

we went to her room and cried. i cried because brendon didn't care about me. i cried because sarah was so sweet to me and i wanted her to be my mom. i cried because life didn't feel worth it anymore. jessica cried because i was crying and because her dpd was fucking with her.

it was 8:30am in new zealand. i decided to call sarah ans she picked up straight away.
"hey. how are you?" she said.
"ummm... i wanna die. what about you?" jessica clutched my hand.
"please don't" she whispered.
"everythings just so hard right now"
"i know, but i'll be back in two days. i could ask my mom if you could spend a day with her" she suggested.
"who you talking to babe?" i heard a voice in the background.
"dylan. your daughter who you haven't called yet!" sarah seemed angry.

the voice was brendons.

"brendon do not leave the room!"
"i have to shower!"
"do not give me that bullshit! why haven't you called her?"
"i-i've had things to do"
"oh thats always your excuse!" she was practically yelling now. i was scared.
"babe-" she cut him off.
"don't you 'babe' me! she needs someone! shes all by herself in america having panic attacks and crying episodes because her dad wont bother to fucking ask how she is!"
"look im sorry-"
"sorry!? is that all you can say? she just told me she wants to die and here you are not even giving a fucking glance!"

"what?"
"yes brendon. your child wants to die. now talk to her!"
"i-i cant"
"and why can't you"
i heard him sob. "its just so hard. being away from her and not being able to hold her and tell her everything's okay"
"brendon..." his sobs were louder.
"if i hear her voice im going to lose it"
"you've already lost it just talk to her" nicole said in the background.
"is she gone?" he quivered.
"why don't you find out for yourself?"

she thrusted the phone at him.
jessica went to get me some water.
"dylan?" he whispered.
"so now im important?" i said bitterly.
my dad bursted into tears. "god im so sorry. i hate being so far from you"
"i've been so pissed at you. i didn't know your anxiety was this bad. im sorry"
"its okay...i just...im such a failure"
"don't fucking say that"
"i just wish you were here. i miss you so much. im used to not seeing you for one day or something but its been to long" he sobbed. i started crying too.
"i miss you too. i hate this so much"
"no darling please don't say that"
"i do though! i just...i hate...living. i just want it all to be over" i was practically bawling.
"don't say shit like that. you can do this, i know you can"

"i can't. im sorry" i ended the call. jessica came in with some iced water and cookies.
"im gonna clean up" i lied before running downstairs.
"your phone-" i didn't listen. i went into the kitchen and looked for what i needed. i held it to my deepest cut, tears rolling down my cheeks.
"babe no!" jessica grabbed the object and tried taking it from me.
"no! please!" it flew across the room and skidded under the counter.
"no!" i fell to the floor and bursted into tears. "please don't leave me" she sobbed, holding me close.

"he won't care. just let me do it" i begged.
"no!" she exclaimed, not letting go of me. i spotted my phone in her pocket...it was brendon. thats the last thing i remembered before everything went black.