strawberries | brendon urie

47: "IM NOT SUICIDAL!"

tw mention of the word suicidal

brendon had noticed how weird i'd been acting. me being a mute was painful and i saw people interact everyday normally when i couldn't.
"dylan" me and brendon were eating lunch at that moment.
"mm?" my mouth was full of pasta as i gave him my full attention.
"i've been worried about you" he said.
"again?" i swallowed.
"no. consistently"

"i gotta ask you something and you need to be completely honest with me"
"sure go ahead" i was a bit scared.
"okay this word could be triggering for you...but...are you suicidal?"
memories flooded into my head. i showed no sign of damage. "no"
"are you sure?"
"yes im sure" i replied.
"you haven't even thought about doing anything?"
"no" i responded.
"im finding it hard to believe you"
"okay...?"
"you promise you're being honest?"
"yes brendon!" i was getting pissed.
"you sure you're okay?"
"yeah"
"look if you're suicidal-"
"IM NOT SUICIDAL!" i yelled.

oops. i got up and ran to my room.
"dylan wait!" he followed me but i closed my door and locked it.
"dylan im sorry. okay? im just scared. i know somethings up. maybe you're not...y'know. but something else is going on. and i need to know if you're okay or not" he said from outside.
"i-im sorry for yelling but...i already told you" my voice was shaky.
"you did?"
i opened the door. "i already told you that i feel crap that i cant be normal!"
"no no darling don't cry. it's okay!"
"i just hate it so much" i started to cry.
he came into my room and pulled me into his arms, holding me tight.

"you're already doing so well, okay? i know that whole fan experience really fucked things up for you. but theres still hope. okay, i can ask a friend for a good therapist. pete or josh may know someone-"
"i hate therapists. you know i do"
"i know but that could be the only way"
"it isn't brendon! i-i know theres something else"
"and im telling you there isnt! okay, im sorry. i know you wanna be more confident - but theres only one way. you need to see someone about this. youre young and you cant do it alone.
"then i'll fucking die" i muttered.

"what did you just say?"
"nothing"
"i heard you" dammit.
"i didn't mean it. im just pissed"
"please don't say stuff like that" he sounded like he was going to cry.
"okay okay" i said awkwardly.
"im serious. okay, i love you so much. and i don't want you to go back there"
i nodded. he hugged me again, sniffling.
"you wanna borrow my shoulder?" i asked him.
"you mind?"
"no" i smiled a little. he did too.
so brendon cried into my shoulder and i did the job of comforting him as usual.