strawberries | brendon urie

55: "you gotta tell me this stuff"

"mouthing is a good start. a few people i've previously helped have done so" molly told us. i took it in, glad. "then you start with a word. slowly we can build it up from there"

we left the clinic twenty minuets later. i was feeling a little better but brendon looked stressed. "whats wrong?" i asked timidly, as we got into the car.
"nothing" he started driving.
we made it home and he went to smoke. i went to my room and cried as usual. then justin came over and i cried on him...i'd forgotten he was coming over.

i told him to wait in my room while i went to get us snacks. but really, i went into the garden and sat outside the studio eavesdropping. brendon was on the phone.
"im just so fucking worried. she means the god damn world to me. she's made progress which is good. but i hear her crying everyday. i see her struggle on a daily basis. and it hurts. it fucking hurts" damn. then it was quiet.

the studio door opened and brendon was there. i was found.
"i'll call you back" he ended the call.
"im sorry i-i didn't know you felt-" he cut me off
"first. don't do that again. please" i nodded. "second. you didn't know. and its not your fault"
"i just want all this to be over. i remember how easy everything was"
"look. i know this is all to do with what my mom said" i could never lie to brendon. heck, i could never lie at all!
"uhh what?" i was terrible at it too.
"and it makes me feel like shit. okay? my mom. my fucking hero. the women saved my life." what have i done!?
"she just opened my eyes to reality"
"no. she was worried for you like she was for me. then that impacted you"

he was right...
"but she didn't mean to. she's just a nice person!"
"yeah but just because she wants you to do this and that doesn't mean you have to do it! its your life"
"brendon. my whole life i haven't been able to do what i've wanted. okay, i never wanted to call the cops and tell them my mom was dead. i never wanted to tell them why i had bruises and scars. i never wanted to be in that adoption home for years-" i was nearly crying. "what the fuck am i doing..."
"hey its okay" he said quietly, moving my hair out of my face. "it's good to vent"
"im sorry" i sniffled.
"when you cry its heartbreaking but the cutest thing ever" he giggled. "but seriously. you gotta tell me this stuff. okay? you gotta trust me. now go back to justin and have some fun"
"okay"