Freedom Fighters League of the Exiled

Jean's Outburst

I sat on Eren and Levi's bed trying my damnedest to stop from just breaking down. Ilsa was a close friend and as heartless as this may sound her death wasn't what broke me. The thing that broke me the most was seeing Eren reduced to nothing but a sobbing mess on the floor and Levi an emotionless and stiff from shock.

I'm not even sure what happened. All I know was everything was fine and we were about to all be home free and all of a sudden my ears were ringing and everyone was running and shoving. I remember trying to push my way back to the back to get back to where the rest of the team was. Marco and I were swept up by the crowd, but when we managed to get back to the rest of our team I saw Ilsa on the ground with a hole in her forehead. Eren and Levi didn't even seem to notice since they were still trying to stop her bleeding elsewhere.

My only instinct was to nod to Marco to grab Levi as I ran up and grabbed Eren. I knew I would be able to take his punches better than Marco. I grabbed him and tried to keep us moving towards the portal room without tripping over any of the other bodies that were lying dead on the floor.

The whole scene kept replaying over and over in my mind. She was fine one second and dead the next. I shook my head and blinked a bunch of times to clear the stinging feeling from my eyes as I looked up at Eren Levi and Marco. We were all in our own heads fighting our own battles. Marco was staring at his own lap Levi was still staring at his hands and Eren was curled up in a ball with his head covered, but he wasn't moving.

Levi and Eren are usually the ones who check in with everyone mentally and are there to listen if mom is away or talking to someone else, but for once they are the ones who need the emotional help the most. I'm not good at this, but I'm the only one who can step up at the moment. Everyone else is busy dealing with their own emotions and grief, but if I just push mine aside and help them through it now then I can grieve later. Who knows helping them might help me too. I don't know, but I need to do something.

I went to scoot closer to Eren but he stood up and walked away from the bed. Everyone else seemed to be out of it to even notice that he left. He walked over to the wall and before I knew what was happening I watched him punch it as hard as he could.

Fuck fuck fuck. I jumped up and ran over to him. He managed to punch the wall three times before I could pull him away.

He stared me right in the eyes before yelling, "We could have saved her. She didn't have to die if only I paid more attention. If only I would have just had planned to block off the doors from the start."

"Blocking the doors from the start wouldn't have worked. Guards had come through each of the doors a few times through our mission. Team B were the ones to take them out when they went to the control room. If they were blocked they would have sounded the alarms and the hundreds of guards outside would have stormed the place. We would have been caught or worse.

Eren let out a deep breath as his legs shook beneath him. I looked at his hand and even in the dimly lit room, I could tell something was broken. I need to get him to Hanji first thing in the morning. If I try and take him now I don't think he would go, not to mention I don't think she can even use her powers with how much she had to sue them earlier.

I led him back over to the bed and sat him down before taking a deep breath and pulling him into a hug. He instantly wrapped his arms around me and just held on tight.

I took a deep breath feeling the tears prick at my eyes again. I blinked a few times before looking towards Levi. I needed to snap him out of his thoughts. I can only imagine the events in his head playing on loop right now and with every loop I knew would come more guilt.

Levi and Eren have always been ones to take things to heart. If something happens they blame themselves even if there wasn't anything they could possibly do because their mind always comes up with what-if scenarios that no one would ever be able to predict. In those what-if scenarios, there are always other ways to go about things that would have led to different outcomes, but these what-ifs are just that, what-if. An impossible question that brings nothing but guilt and regret.

There's no point in asking what-if because we will never know if there ever was another our come all that's left now is to process and pick ourselves back up and continue the fight. This is war and war breeds casualties. There have been hundreds, even thousands of casualties, just never one this close to home before.

I took another deep breath to clear my thoughts that got a little off track. I can't think about that stuff right now all I need to focus on is helping everyone grieve in a healthy way.

I nudged Marco's knee with my knee and he looked up at me. Can you snap Levi out of it I mouthed to him. He took a deep breath and nodded. I watched as he looked at Levi and then down at his hands where he was still standing. He put his hands in both of Levi's hands. Levi looked up at him or I guess right through him would be more accurate.

"Staring at your hands isn't going to bring her back," Marco said through a shaky voice.

"Her blood is on my hands," He said plainly. "I could have-."

"Cut that shit out," I felt myself say. He seemed to snap out of everything and stared me right in the eyes.

"We are all feeling guilty; we were all tasked with watching that door. We were all distracted and caught up with a premature victory that we let our guard down. So if you are going to sit there and blame yourselves then be fair and blame us too," I said before being able to control the rage that came out of me. I took a deep breath and snapped for a moment and when I tried to reign it back in it didn't work.

"So go on then, tell me it's my fault, tell Marco it's his fault, tell Eren it's his fault, go find Sasha and Rico and tell them it's their fault," I blurted out. Oh, my god shut up this is not what he needs right now. I yelled at myself mentally.

"No, that's exactly what I needed to hear," he said, giving me a weak nod.

"It's not your fault Levi," Marco said putting a hand on his shoulder, "no one thinks it's your fault. Hell, I can tell you for a fact everyone is too busy blaming themselves to blame anyone else."

That's what I wanted to say, I don't know why mine came out with rage. I just wanted to reassure him not yell at him.

"It's fine Jean," Levi said looking up at me. I guess he's in my head at the moment. "Everyone grieves differently, and anger is a part of grieving for some people. I know it is for me at least," He mumbled the last part.

I felt as Eren's grip on me loosened as he let go with one hand and reached out for Levi. Levi gave him a weak smile and scooted in next to us and he wrapped one arm around Eren and one around me. Levi looked to Marco and gave him a nod, "get over here," he said and Marco scooted in and wrapped his arms around us.

"Why do I always get stuck in the damn group hugs," I rolled my eyes and teased. I was hoping to brighten the mood a bit. From my outburst and all the crying, we needed a moment to catch our breaths. I know damn well the tears are far from over, but a few minutes of a calm atmosphere is what everyone needs at the moment.

"You know you secretly love them," Eren said with a small laugh that seemed to drain his energy.

Eren went dead quiet for a moment and then looked around. "Did one of you just touch my head?" he asked.

"No." We all answered.

"Someone just did," he mumbled. "I can't tell if it's Ilsa or mom," he mumbled, closing his eyes. "How do I know who you are?"

Levi's head shot up and he let out a sigh, "I think it's your mom, cause Farlan and Isabel just touched me."

"How can you tell?" I asked. "I feel two sets of hands and it's usually where Farlan and Isabel touch me to let me know they are here.

"It's definitely mom, I felt something on my forehead. When I was younger she used to kiss me on the forehead when I was upset." He said before taking a short pause to think. "Do you think Ymir sent them to make us feel better?" Eren asked.

"No, I think they are here trying to comfort us out of their own free will." He mumbled. Before whispering out a "thank you guys," to them.