Jenalyn: Disconnected (#5) [Complete]

Chapter 73: Tyler

Sat. 3/14/09 • 8:24 P.M. PST

McKaiden fusses in the backseat of my truck, but calms herself down by the time we make it to Mama G's front gate. I punch in the code without hesitation; A code that'll forever be burned in the back of my mind because of how much time I've spent here over the years. Harper is supposed to meet me out here to pick the baby up.

"I'm outside," I speak into my apple watch, sending her a message to let her know that I'm here as the gates open. 

Hayden has been in New York for the past few days, so the Golds have been helping me out with McKaiden. I don't particularly need the help; I am completely capable of caring for my daughter myself! The pick up and drops off are a good excuse to catch some away time from Sophie though, so I dont even argue it.

I've been feeling pretty guilty about everything that's happened between us lately... I know it's my own fault but I think I am only just now starting to realize what I've been doing. Not only did I lead myself on, allowing myself to think I had the perfect little family, but I lead Sophie on too. 

That's not what I want with her; I can't want it with her! 

My heart is set on Hayden... it has been. As much as I'll always have love for Sophie, I can never love her in the same way.

She deserves better than that...

My phone rings from the cup holder pulling me from my thoughts. Speak of the Devil; I pull it from the holder to see a picture of Lily and Sophie filling the screen. I've been gone for an hour, at most! Is she really calling about where I am?

I have to resist the urge to roll my eyes. Again, it's my own fault if she is. I shouldn't have lead her to believe this was anything more than... this. 

"Yo," I answer, checking on McKaiden in the rearview as I pull my phone to my ear. She mindlessly sucks on her chubby little fingers, her big gray eyes taking in all of the colors that dance outside of our open windows.

"Hey Tyler," Sophie says on the other end of my phone, her voice seemingly reluctant though she tries to play it off. "Are you busy? I wanted to talk to you about something, but don't want to do it if you're in the middle of something."

Talk to me about something? Oh boy... what did I do? What did she do? 

I check my watch again; Harper should have been out here by now, but it's also very Harper-like to be just a few minutes late to everything. Oh well, McKaiden is just hanging out and I'm really not in a rush to get going...

"What's up?" I respond after a few seconds, quickly adding on when I realize how short I'm being. "I'm not too busy, just dropping the baby off at the Gold's. Everything okay?"

Sophie is silent for a few moments; I can tell it's the type of silence that means she's trying to think of how to word her response. This is how she always gets before dropping a huge bomb.

Is this about the new 'relationship' she thinks we have? Is she, once again, trying to talk about officiating it? That would be just my luck. I'm sitting here feeling guilty as all hell about it, trying to think up a way I can end it without hurting her, and she's going to try to have this talk again?

"Uh- yeah! Yeah! Everything is okay!" she exclaims after a moment, her tone deceiving before she corrects herself. She grows more serious as she continues. "Well- I mean... depending on how you look at it, I guess... but I'd like to think everything is okay. I hope it is, at least!"

Huh? What is she trying to get at?

The confusion I feel on the inside easily makes it way to my face. Sophie must sense it because she quickly follows up before I have a chance to respond. 

"Okay so nothing is set in stone yet-" she says with a deep sigh, her words rushed but intentional. 

A pit starts to form in the depths of my stomach; Her words are all too familiar to a conversation we had one single time before. 

"-But I'm late, Ty," she hurriedly continues, her voice both anxious and excited. "I am a couple days late, and I know that doesn't seem all too concerning when I lay it out like that but my cycle has always been very regular... like- OCD with timing..."

No...

No no no no no! She's not saying she's pregnant, is she? I bury my head in my free hand, my mind instantly aflame with a billion thoughts and emotions. 

"You're late?" I spit before she can get another word in. I can't help the callous tone from finding my voice. Was this all a part of her plan? Try to lock me in with another fucking kid?! "What do you mean, you're late? Have you- did you take a test? See a doctor? Maybe you're just late! That shit happens, doesn't it?"

McKaiden squeals happily in the backseat, but I can't even pay her any mind because it's too hung up on Sophie's fucking bombshell. I hope to fucking God that she's just late. I can't have another fucking kid with her! I love Lily to death, and I wouldn't change our decision to follow through with that pregnancy for the world, but I can't go through that again! Especially not now!

"Jeez Ty, don't sound so thrilled about it..." Sophie says sarcastically after a second, her tone deflated completely. "I- I'm sorry. I didn't think it was that bad... We already have a baby together, sheesh."

I can tell my reaction hurt her feelings, but can't seem to calm myself enough to acknowledge it. Instead, I mindlessly blurt the next thing to come to my mind. "That's the point, we just had a baby!" I exclaim, my head still buried in my hand. "I have two already! I don't- I can't have another one! Not right now! Are you sure? Did you schedule an appointment with your doctor?"

Sophie let's out a nervous laugh; I can tell she doesn't know where to put her emotions right now. I'm sure she's just thrilled to possibly be carrying my child again! I'm also sure she thought I'd feel the same way after everything we've been through these past few weeks...

It's my own fault. I fucked up. I fucked up so bad! 

"I have an appointment on Tuesday," Sophie finally says, her voice showing the disappointment I've filled her with. She let's out another sigh before continuing. "I'm sorry if you're upset, but... we're adults here, Ty. We knew what we were risking when we did it... And it's not like you can't financially support three kids. I- I don't get why you're so mad, I thought we were-"

I cut her off before I have to hear anymore. I know what she thought; I'm the asshole who allowed her to think it. I wish I didn't care. I wish I didn't care how she felt so I could try to runaway from this like I have been everything else in my life right now.

I do care though; I have too much love for Sophie not to care.

"I'm not upset," I lie, my guilt consuming me from the inside out. It's as if guilt is the only thing I am capable of feeling anymore. "I'm just- I'm shocked, is all. I'm sorry for how I reacted. We'll uh... we'll talk about in person, okay?"

Sophie agrees, apologizing for bringing it up over the phone in my first place and reassuring that everything is still okay. I let out a groan the moment I hang my phone up. When I finally pull my head from my hand, I'm shocked to see how long that conversation lasted.

Where the hell is Harper?

Almost as if on queue, she emerges from behind my truck to snake her head into McKaiden's open window. McKaiden squeals at the sight of her. 

"Hi babygirl! Hi Ty!" she sings as she reaches her hand through the window to gently bop Kaiden's nose. She rushes to my window next. "Sorry it took me a few to get out here; Mom's dogs completely tore apart a pair of her heels. It was a mess in there!" 

I can only imagine the hectic scene. Mama G doesn't play around at all, let alone with her heels. I'm sure it's got nothing on how Hayden would react if Sophie were actually pregnant with my baby again though...  

The thought makes me uneasy, but I play it off for Harper's sake and swiftly move to help her carry McKaiden and her bags to the front door.