Jenalyn: Disconnected (#5) [Complete]

Chapter 78: Hayden

Mon. 3/16/09 • 8:57 P.M. PST

I knew this would happen...

Jena did what she had to do to convince herself she felt better, or that we got Tyler back for the way he hurt her, but... 

Nothing has changed for either of us. 

We're both still upset about Tyler and Sophie, we're both feeling guilty about what happened with Gage, and now we both beating eachother up as we sit here trying to figure out how to handle things from here.

I don't even want to talk to Tyler anymore; Fuck him! As soon as Jena finished with Gage, she left me to deal with the guilt we both felt having done that while being in a relationship with Russell.

Russ stands across from me, arms patiently crossed over his chest as he waits for me to finish putting McKaiden down. He came over a little while ago to spend the night, and picked up on my odd demeanor within ten minutes of being here. I told him what Harper told me about Ty, but was too ashamed to mention what happened with Gage just yet...

I have to tell him; I have to tell him and end this all before it gets worse. I know Jena, and I know that this won't be her last attempt at acting out to try to cope with everything that's happened with Ty. I don't want to put him through that... I can't. 

"How did you feel about it? Are you upset because, well... he's supposed to be your baby daddy?" He asks, his voice trying to be understanding though I can already sense a hint of jealousy in his words. "Or like... do you still love him or something? You've been through a lot with him; I couldn't blame you!" 

I let out a small sigh as I lower Kaiden into her crib and turn toward him. I don't know how to respond to his question because the answer isn't nearly as simple as he would be able to comprehend. I can barely comprehend it, and I'm the one going through it!

"He already has a kid with her," I mumble with half a mind. "I'm not upset, it's just... it's just a shock, I guess. I didn't know he was seeing her again. I- I didn't think he would knowing how I feel about her..."

We turn off the light in the baby room and start heading down the hall and back to my room. 

"I get that... It makes you kind of wonder if he got back with her just to hurt you? That's messed up, I get it!" Russell says understandingly before cracking a smile and turning to me. "I uh- I know it doesn't amount to much but... you still have me, beautiful! We can runaway with the baby... start a new life where nobody knows who we are, or what we do! I can- I can give you more babies, you know... I'd love to, if you let me..."

I should feel flustered by his words. The warm feeling he always gives me should return to my chest, and the butterflies he always causes me should flood into my belly. My guilt only grows stronger though; my chest just hurts and my stomach feels twisted. 

I have to tell him... I think to myself again. I just can't bring myself to do it! Not yet...

I'm not ready to lose him... I can't! I'll spiral out of control, and lose everything! I just need... I need a little time first... I need a little time to get myself together, and I need a little more time with him before I lose him forever...

"Do you still want to go on that vacation?" I quickly ask, trying to change the subject before my guilt convinces me I don't deserve any more time. "We should just like... head out tomorrow morning! I can play it off to my family like I'm just exhausetd from work, and want to be alone... We can get away for a day or two! Go off the grid as you say!"

Russ turns to me when we make it to my room, his brow raised before another smile cracks across his face. "You serious?" he asks, cocking his head to the side. "I can book us a room! Definitely! That'd be... that'd be great! I have a few things I wanted to tell you, just been waiting until we could get away from... you know... all of this craziness! You want me to book it?"

I force a laugh despite my guilt gnawing away at my stomach watching his excitement. "Go ahead! Book it!" I tell him, trying to match his elated tone. "I'll have Evelyn watch the baby; I'm sure she won't mind the company! I have no idea how she's managed being so lonely these past few weeks I was gone most of the time!"

Russell's face drops a little, his demeanor shifting uncomfortably before his brows furrow together. "Evelyn? Why Evelyn?" he asks, her name coming out as if it tastes like acid in his mouth. "I thought we said the baby daddy could watch her? I feel like that's- you know... It's probably better, right? I mean, Evelyn is... she's a brat..."

Ty is supposed to pick McKaiden up on Wednesday but I honestly don't know if I can bring myself to allow that anymore knowing what I know now. Not only was he going behind my back to sneak my child to a woman's house he knows I would not allow, but he possibly knocked the woman up too! With their second child! 

McKaiden isn't even his. Maybe I should just tell him that, and let him run off into the sunset with his perfect little family... 

I don't know yet; I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. 

"She's a brat, but she's okay with the baby," I tell him after a moment, shrugging my shoulders as I climb into my bed. "I don't know what I'm going to do about Tyler yet, but the baby stays with me or my family until I figure it out... I just feel better that way."

I don't know why Russell's laugh seems nervous, but I don't have any time to question it before he clears his throat and responds. "I get that..." he says, seemingly concerned though I can't really tell why. "Are you sure Evelyn is okay to watch her though? For such an extended time? I just- I just don't want anything bad to happen."

What's up with him? I've left the baby with Evelyn plenty of times while I've hung out with him, and it has never been a problem before! It's just a day or two, I'm sure she can handle it! 

"She's fine, Russ!" I laugh, assuming his reason for being so concerned about leaving the baby with Evelyn stems from his obvious dislike for her. "Just book it! C'mon, let's do this! Where are we going? Palm Springs?"

I can tell Russell wants to argue about the baby situation more; He still wears a look as if to say that he doesn't agree with my decision, but that he doesn't have a right to dispute it. He cleans it up after a moment, a small smile returning to his cheeks as he nods.

"The L'Horizon Resort and Spa in Palm Springs," he confirms, clicking through what I assume to be the webpage on a flip phone, the phone he uses for work for some reason. "I can grab us one of the bungalows from... the 17th to the 19th? That sound good?"

I know I don't deserve to go on this trip with him, but it sounds perfect. I nod my head, pulling my own phone from my nightstand while I wait for him to book it. 

Gage texted me, but I quickly swipe to delete it before anymore guilt can seep into my system. I need it keep it at bay for now...

"I think you'll really like this place," Russell says after a few moments, still scrolling on his seemingly prehistoric phone. "The bungalows have outdoor showers on private patios, marble baths, the whole nine yards! I think it was like... a celebrity hotspot in the 50s and 60s. They've done a lot of renovating, but you could still step where Marilyn Monroe has! Fancy, huh?" 

I nod my head, plastering a smile on my face to keep up a perfect facade. A few more minutes pass before Russ let's out a satisfied sigh, turning to me to let me know our bungalow is booked. 

Okay... okay! So I'll tell him after the trip then... 

I have to tell him...