Jenalyn: Disconnected (#5) [Complete]

Chapter 61: Tyler

Sat. 2/14/09 • 3:36 P.M. PST
Two weeks later...

I feel especially anxious today as I sit in my car outside of Hayden's place waiting for her to come grab the baby. It's Valentine's Day; Supposed to be our first one together as a couple and parents to our beautiful baby girl... Instead, I'm sitting here feeling guilty about having sex with my ex during our separation.

Why do I feel so terrible about this? Hayden and I aren't together, but I thought after some time working on ourselves that we might be able to work everything out! That was the plan, right? How am I supposed to make this all work now?

Hayden would never forgive me if she knew I was not only staying with, but hooking up with Sophie, of all people! It's not even like I could play it off as an accident at this point because it has happened far too many times! I guess the guilt of what I've been doing these past few weeks is finally deciding to settle in.

I don't know why I'm even allowing myself to feel bad. Hayden couldn't stop entertaining other men while we were together, so do I really expect that she's done it while we've been apart? This goes both ways, right?

Then why do I still feel bad?

McKaiden starts to fuss in the backseat of my truck, pulling me from my mind to question why Hayden hasn't come out to grab her yet. Part of me automatically tries to support my theory that she has been messing around with other people too, but another part doesn't even want to find out.

What if he's in there right now, though? My mind can't help but taunt. What if he has been in there every time I've been at this house to either drop off or pick my daughter up? It's not like I would know it... Hayden and I had to agree pretty early on that the baby exchanges would happen in the driveway to avoid any unnecessary hookups. We were trying to do this "temporary separation" the right way, but what if this was just a ploy for her to start seeing someone else from the jump? And this whole time I've been feeling bad about Sophie for nothing!

That, along with the fact that Sophie is at her place with the baby waiting to celebrate Valentine's Day with me, is all that it takes to convince myself I have to walk the baby in myself.

I hop out of my truck, heading to the backseat to unwrap McKaiden and grab her diaper bag before heading to the front door. I open it quietly, and immediately hear the faint echo of Hayden talking to somebody coming from her bedroom behind the balcony upstairs.

I have to take a deep breath before I force myself to head up there; What if I actually find some dude living comfortably in my spot? Could I even be upset about it? The decision to take a break was a mutual one between me and Hayden, but what if I was the only one who didn't think it'd be the actual end? The only one who thought it was just time for us to heal from some of the turmoil we'd been through so we could remain together?

I still couldn't be mad... not after everything that's happened between me and Sophie...

I make it to her room all too fast and take a moment to try to regain myself outside of her bedroom door, cracked open. I don't mean to eavesdrop but can't help from hearing her words, her tone all too familiar.

"Okay, we'll see you soon!" she giggles. "I'm sure she'll be just thrilled to finally meet you!"

She's on the phone. Pausing for a few moments of silence, she then lets out another giggle before saying goodbye.

I should be relieved that I didn't have to walk in on Hayden with a new boyfriend, but part of me can't help think that the person on the other end of that phone call may have been just that. I recognize that tone in Hayden's voice; It's the same one she used to have with me before things got out of control.

McKaiden squirms in my arms, threatening cries that'd expose my secret eavesdropping outside of Hayden's bedroom door if not addressed immediately. I have to think fast, but beat her to the punch by clearing my throat loud enough for Hayden to hear me, and then gently pushing open her bedroom door.

"Knock knock?" I say, acting as if I'd only just made it up her long set of bifurcated stairs. "Special delivery! You in here?"

Hayden almost jumps out of her skin as she turns around to face me. "Oh wow!" she gasps. "You scared me!"

It's hard to look at her. Between everything I've done with Sophie and the fact that I'm now pretty sure she's seeing somebody else? Anxious doesn't even sum it up anymore.

I'm beyond anxious, and somehow still can't look away.

She has a glow to her. I don't know if she has actually been working on herself like we agreed on when we decided to take a break, but if so? It's really working for her!

Either that or this new guy has her glowing, I can't help myself from silently sneering.

"I'm sorry," I stutter, shifting McKaiden from one arm to the other as she notices Hayden and begins to squirm uncontrollably. "You- You didn't meet me in the driveway, so-"

How am I blubbering like a fool? This is Hayden I'm talking to! We have a past, we love eachother, we have a fucking kid together!

How does she still do this to me?

Hayden inturrupts me, closing in on the space between us to grab McKaiden, who whimpers with each second that passes without her mother's touch. "Oh, my bad!" she exclaims with a shrug and small laugh. "I got caught up on the phone, I didn't even realize the time!"

Why is she so beautiful? My guilt sets in a thousand times stronger as I watch her gently bounce our daughter in her arms, a motherly smile across her face. All these weeks I've been shacking up with Sophie, and I could have been where I belong...

Here, with my girls.

What was I thinking, letting us "take a break?" We don't need time apart, we need eachother!

A few silent moments pass between us, Hayden busying herself with the baby while I rack my mind for what to say next.

I have to fix this! I have to fix us. But how?

"Oh! I uhm- I made sure my schedule was clear for Harper's surprise party!" I blurt suddenly, my mind instantly falling back to the fact that nobody but eachother even know we're apart. She needs me to go to that party with her to keep up the facade. I guess that is as good a time as any to bring up maybe getting back together? "What should I grab her for a gift? I can put both of our names, or-"

Hayden inturrupts me again. She props the baby up between three pillows and turns to me, her face slightly uncomfortable but nonchalant.

"Oh, it's okay..." she exclaims shaking her head. "Don't even worry about it, I've been thinking I could just come clean to Mama Gold about us and save us the trouble of having to work around stuff like that."

Oh... okay...

I feel like everything inside of me just deflated. This is not how this "break" was supposed to go... I thought part of the reason we never told Mama G about the break up was because we knew it wasn't final!

Hayden stops primping her bed to turn toward me, expecting a response. I don't really know how to respond. I feel like the floor just got ripped out from under me but I have to make myself seem okay.

"R-right... cool," I say as I try to shake it off. I nod my head, pulling my phone out as a distraction. I hope she didn't notice any of that.

I'm embarrassed enough as is.