Jenalyn: Disconnected (#5) [Complete]

Chapter 9: Hayden

Thu. 12/24/08 • 11:18 P.M. PST

One of the pills I take at night makes me really sleepy. I was never one for going to bed at a normal time, but ever since being prescribed them at Miermont I've been, for the most part, always asleep by 11 P.M.

I told Ty that I was just too tired to cum.

But I've noticed after a couple of quick flings at Miermont, that cumming just isn't a thing anymore...

Maybe that's the meds too.

I guess in one of my more zonked out sessions with Dr. Song, the leading Psychiatrist at Miermont Springs ever since their change of management, I was properly diagnosed with a sex disorder. Well- addiction, I suppose. And maybe not exactly me... but definitely a part of me.

I don't know. The specifics are still a little hazy but the fact of the matter is, I'm pretty sure they've got to be drugging me with a libido blocker or something. I've never had a problem cumming for Ty.

When I was in Miermont, I chalked it up to the fact that the flings I had were with, what Dane would call "little boys who just didn't know how to use their dicks yet."

Earlier with Ty while we were at Mama Gold's place, I chalked it up to the interruption. So I tried again, and nothing.

There's really nothing left to chalk it up to. Sex just... isn't even remotely fun now. Not even in a situation to where without Jena, it'd still be fun.

That's... honestly a little disappointing to me. And obviously not even because of the monster living inside of Jena. Just because... I mean- well how long could I keep this up with Ty?

He knows when I don't cum, and there isn't always going to be an excuse.

I know I told him that I wasn't ready to be with him, but if I have to be here, doing this Hayden thing? Despite whether or not I deserve it?

I want to do it with him by my side...

If I'm not going to commit to being with him yet, the sex is the only thing that's going to keep him interested. I mean- yeah, "we've got a baby together..."

But look at him and Sophie...

I let out a small sigh, snapping my eyes open to glare into the darkness of my room.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Ty... " I say suddenly, only realizing after the fact that he may not even be awake anymore.

The bed rustles beside me though, assumingly as he turns to face me despite not being able to see me through the darkness.

"I thought you knocked out," he says his voice raspy in the way it always was when he was falling asleep.

I shake my head though he probably can't see it.

"Nope... I'm up," I say, again letting out a small sigh. I turn over on my side to face him, knowing that we're only inches apart because I can feel his soft breathing against my face. "And... I wasn't with the crazy ex like that when I ran away... he's got nothing to do with why I can't be with you right now..."

Ty leaves a few moments of silence before he responds.

"So... then why can't you?" he asks.

I was expecting that response. I know I probably don't make any sense to anyone anymore, including Ty. I didn't have a response planned out in my head because my head is pretty hard to control when I take these meds, but once I start talking the truth somehow manages to make its way out of my mouth without effort.

"Tyler I'm literally just not ready," I say after a deep breath. "I can't even be with myself, let alone try and be with you, okay? Like- I've got a million personalities just running around my head, right? But I can't hear a single one of them anymore! And the person thats left here? In all of this silence? Just doesn't feel stable enough to take on everything coming back here has loaded onto my plate. I... I need to talk to Mama Gold about having my dosages reevaluted- I don't know."

Ty takes a moment to process everything I said. I replay it all in my head to make sure I don't have to prepare for another one of his freak-outs.

I think I'm in the clear...?

"Thanks for at least taking to me about it... I can work with you, Hayden! But you have to talk to me..." he says after a few moments, the tone in his voice showing that he's not fully sure how to respond. "You want me to remind you to talk to Mama G about it tomorrow? If that's what you feel like you need, I'm sure it won't be a problem..."

I nod my head, sure Ty will know without having to see. For a little bit, neither of us can finds the words to say- so we just lay here in silence, probably both fighting off sleep because of the thoughts trying to storm our minds.

For Ty, he probably can't sleep because the thoughts are too loud and demanding his attention though he can only focus on one at a time.

For me though? I can't sleep because all of the thoughts are muted. I can feel them there, I just can't hear them there...

And despite Ty being right next to me, I just still feel... a little lonely.