Jenalyn: Disconnected (#5) [Complete]

Chapter 11: Hayden

Thu. 12/25/08 • 7:17 A.M. PST

I don't even realize I spent all night in a horrible string of dreams until I'm awoken the next morning to the sound of a baby crying on the baby monitor.

I wake up about as confused as I've spent all night in the dreams being and there's still this lingering feeling I can't really put my finger on carried over from it.

"Oh, I'm coming! I'm coming!" Ty groans beside me, still clearly between the state of being asleep and awake. "You got to learn to sleep in, babygirl- this is the only time in your life you can do it!"

I feel the mattress shift beneath me as he pulls himself from the bed.

I should probably let it be known that I'm awake, but can't bring myself to do it. I'm just...

Not ready? A voice sarcastically asks in my head, surprising me to all hell only because it's just been so silent up there.

I wonder where that came from? Surely these mind muting meds don't just wear off after less than 12 hours since taking them...

"Want to get your first mommy morning out of the way?" Ty asks suddenly, pulling me from my head instantly only for me to regret letting myself wander in the first place.

I didn't even realize he was still here.

Only for a few moments do I still lay silent with my eyes closed pretending to be asleep. It's kind of a natural response though he clearly knows I'm awake.

The voice in my head, though silent now, is what makes me turn over to face him though. I'm not going to have who, or whatever is up there mock me... I'm not ready, yeah- but I haven't really been ready for anything in my life... so what's the difference now, right?

"I guess I better, huh?" I ask after a moment, letting out a small sigh as I pull myself from my bed. I throw on the pajama shorts I intentionally never put on last night, and turn back to face him.

"You don't have to if you don't want to," he says, still half asleep. "Mads and I been at this crap for four long months. I'm sure we could make it one more day. I just thought you'd be more-"

"Be more excited?" I can't help interrupting him to finish what I knew he'd eventually ask. I knew from yesterday at Mama Gold's party that he'd caught on to my lack of excitement when it came to the baby. It was only a matter of time before he brought it up.

"Well, yeah- something like that..." he says, shrugging his shoulders before reaching over the bed to grab the baby monitor and turn the volume down. "I mean, you've been away for four months, Hayden. You literally got sent away because you wanted them with you so bad, it kind of made you crazy! I just don't get it, honestly."

I wish my mind worked enough to where I could think up a different excuse for why I'm so distant with the baby, because I know my honest answer probably isn't going to be acceptable.

But I don't have a mind anymore, so the truth is coming whether I like it or not.

"I wanted them with me so bad, Ty," I say, "Them. Not her. And honestly, if it was just a 'her' I wanted with me? It would've been McKaiden! The baby I fought for! The baby that fought for me. I had six months to love McKaiden, Ty. I had... I had three minutes with Madison or whatever. It's... it's different!"

Ty looks dumbfounded for a moment. He just stands there staring at me as if I said the dumbest thing in the world.

I get it. I really do... this probably wouldn't ever make any sense to him. He doesn't know what I know, so in turn he doesn't worry about what I worry about, and doesn't feel what I feel...

"Hayden, they're both your fucking babies though! You- you can't even logically feel that way! They were twins, she's literally an extension of McKaiden!" he exclaims, suddenly wide awake with his voice bordering a yell. "Just because you didn't know she was there, doesn't mean she wasn't there! She's known you all along, and she wants her mother, Hayden! She needs you!"

There's so much wrong with what he said, but even lacking a mind, I still know better than to correct him on it.

That'd just open doors with him that, honestly, should never be opened.

I don't think they were the same though. I think they were basically forced to be born on the same day, yes- but I don't think they were twins...

I think there was a reason why Madison wasn't even detected until my third ultrasound. And why, even when detected, she wasn't even formed enough to be considered anything but a mass.

I think there's was a reason why only McKaiden had a strong connection to my blood supply, and Madison was kind of... an afterthought as far as my body was concerned.

And I think there was a reason why Dane left her alive, instead of the baby he could confirm wasn't conceived at a time where I was only fucking him...

"You're right," I say with a sigh once the thoughts get too overwhelming. "I- ... I'm sorry..."

It doesn't take long for them to get too overwhelming. I... I don't know what I would do if I ever got confirmation that this baby living in my house wasn't Rob's.

No- not even that she wasnt Rob's. Just if she, someway somehow was Dane's...

I think I'd lose my mind. I don't ever want that kind of connection to him. Not after what he did.

All I can do is just hope I never find out...

"You're... sorry?" Ty asks after a moment, almost in disbelief. One eyebrow sits raised on his face as he scopes me out, probably for any bits of sarcasm behind my apology. "You don't have to come, Hayden. I'm... sorry I pressured you. This just isn't how I imagined things, you know? I thought we were just going to jump into happy family mode- I don't know. I thought that was how this goes. We- ...we lost McKaiden, I know that. It was hard, it still is hard! But... can we at least pretend or something that we can all be happy? Can we pretend that everything is okay, for more than the cameras? "

I can tell this means a lot to him. I always knew he'd be a great dad, and that if I was going to have a happy family with anyone, that'd it be him...

Harper's voice from my dream last night, oddly nonchalant for the crazy words she was saying, plays through my head almost as if on a loud speaker.

"Would it make you feel better to pretend the couch was a chair?" she asked me.

I had no fucking idea what she was talking about. No fucking clue.

Now though? And I have no idea how- but it makes sense...

"We can pretend."