Jenalyn: Disconnected (#5) [Complete]

Chapter 21: Gage

Mon. 12/29/08 • 11:10 P.M. EST

Hayden sloppily lowers herself in front of me, the alcohol clear in her eyes as she glances up at me. I can't get her words out of my head.

"I messed up letting you think I love your brother like that, it's a different kind of love... You know I love love you; I don't have that with him..."

It made my stomach flutter to hear her say those words, but I can't let her do this.

"Hayden, what're you-" I sigh, cutting myself off because it's very obvious what she thinks she's doing. I told Ty he needed to cut her off before some stupid shit started to happen! Now I'm sitting here trying to peel her fingers from my zipper. Great. "We not doing this-"

Hayden inturrupts me before I can continue, her big brown eyes finding mine with her brows flattened in dismay. I expected this reaction the moment I knew I had to stop her from doing this, but it doesn't make it any easier. I've wanted her so bad, for so long; She knows it, too.

"What, you still don't want me?" she asks, raising her eyes to mine to just her bottom lip out. "You really don't love me anymore? Because I can't help being attracted to somebody who could have literally been you had he wanted a little extra room in utero? I love you, okay? Why can't that be enough?"

For a moment, I'm confused. Still don't want her? Love her? When have I ever stopped? Sure, it sucks that she chose my brother, but that doesn't mean I want to sit here and have sex with her behind my brother's back...

"Where is this even coming from? You know I love you, okay? There, I said it!" I exclaim, uncertain of anything else I could say. I try to peel her hands from where they sit attempting to undo my button. "You're drunk, Hayden. Come on, get up..."

Hayden pulls herself to her feet, stumbling but catching herself so she can glare at me with her eyes showing hurt and frustration. "Are you really going to do this to me again?" she snaps, tears welling up in her eyes despite the anger written on her face. "Don't you fucking get it by now? There is something wrong with me! I can't fucking control it, okay?! You think I want to be doing all of this? You think I want to fucking ruin a relationship I used to fucking fantasize about just because I'm fucking horny? Get real! It's a lot deeper than that, and you know it! Stop punishing me for something I can't control! How can you say you love me, and then deny me instead of helping me? I'm trying to fix us!"

I've never been good with Hayden crying. Seeing the tears from in her eyes instantly sends me into a panic, and my brain works overtime trying to find something I could say to make this better.

I know that there is something going on with her... I can see the switch in her eyes sometimes. One moment she's Hayden, America's sweetheart, and the next she's the girl I met in Philadelphia after a concert, living her life on a ledge because it's the only way she knows how to do it. I'm not trying to punish her, I just... I don't think this is the answer she's looking for.

She's not ready to leave my brother.

I reach my hands out to her shoulders in an attempt to comfort her. "Hey... there's nothing wrong with you, okay? You're good! We're good!" I try to comfort her. "Why does... this have to be the way to fix it? It's just... not right... Not right now, not this way. I love you, but I love you enough not to let you think that this will fix anything!"

Hayden rolls her eyes but covers it by letting out a sigh. "You know why this has to be the way to fix it. If you love me..." she says, lowering herself back down in front of me to start unbutonning my jeans again. I roll my eyes, but can't bring myself to stop her in fear of a breakdown that I don't know how to fix. "Then you will let me make it up to you..."